Quotes featuring Erin Solstice
875 quotes (676 spoken, 199 mentions)
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“I’m really hungry.”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“Aha!”
“Darn.”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Okay, okay.”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“No good. I guess—”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Drat.”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“Curtains.”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“…What was that?”
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“Ow.”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“Like hell it does!”
“I’m tired.”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Got it. Message received.”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“No. No!”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“…I hate this world.”
“Did I just level up?”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“Are those…trees?”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“You…stupid tree!”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“At least, from strange young women appearing out of nowhere. She had to have been the subject of—of some chance. Maybe a [Gambler] or whatnot. Otherwise, I would be either dead or have been contacted by whomever it was. It cannot be Demons; they’re far too unsubtle. Who else? If it was the Quarass, I’d be dead. Djinni smell of magic. And that leaves…my kin, who wouldn’t do that.”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“I hate this world!”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“Well? Come on!”
“Get back!”
“Ha. Haha.”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“…Am I going to die?”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Huh.”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“G-goblins?”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“Eat this!”
“Boo!”
“Hahaha.”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“Huh.”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Right, food.”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“Weird.”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“Goblins.”
“...With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“Was that me?”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“It’s really hot.”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“Feel sick.”
“Where—where was it?”
“Water!”
“...Bath time.”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“W—wh—”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“...Ow.”
“Bandage.”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Still hurts.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“...Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“Stupid Goblins.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“But I won.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“The stream!”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“...Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“...Sushi?”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“And hey, I need food. So it’s time to chop stuff up.”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“...Huh?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“It hurts.”
“Still hurts.”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“A really frickin' cold bath.”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Either way.”
“Damn it.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“I've seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“That’s not right.”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“It’s gone.”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“Not knives.”
“What the—”
“Is that…flour?”
“…It's probably flour.”
“That’s butter.”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“Wow. Magic.”
“Here. Here…they’re everywhere.”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“No, nonono—”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Go to hell!”
“No, no. That's impossible. It's not here. It's somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Dammit.”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“At this rate, I’m going to start a collection.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“Or a skill.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Ow.”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“Feels like it’s worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“What’s that smell?”
“You. Get off.”
“Ahh! Owowowowowow!”
“That’s for all of you.”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Ow.”
“Eggs?”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“...Well, finders keepers.”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Hot!”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Blue juice?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Greetings. May we come in?”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t have to kill her.”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“She was quite interesting in any case. It was pleasant talking to her.”
“Good evening, Miss Human. I was wondering if my colleague and I could take up a moment of your time—”
“Hello, Miss. Sorry if we—”
“Good job not scaring her.”
“Hello? Miss? We’re not dangerous.”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“Excuse me? I’m not a Dragon, Miss Human. I’m just an incredible Drake in service to the City Watch. Me and my idiot partner were on patrol when we noticed the smoke. May we come in? I promise we won’t bite.”
“Or inflict other forms of bodily or mental harm upon you.”
“Shut up. Are you trying to scare her?”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“…Hi.”
“Sorry, sorry, Miss. We’re not here to hurt you, I promise.”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Food’s over there.”
“I would gladly partake of nourishment if offered. However, we would not wish to deprive you of your meal.”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“Of course we wouldn’t eat you! That’s barbaric, and besides, it’s illegal. I mean, okay, sure, it happens sometimes in distant villages, but we wouldn’t do that. Right, Klbkch?”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“Not you, specifically. Really, it could be anything. We thought it might be a random fire or a few Goblins. If there were some stupid kids, on the other hand, we’d be dragging them back right now since it’s dangerous to stay here. Bandits on the other hand…”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with you staying here. Aside from dying, that is.”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“Why don’t you shut up and let me talk? Look, Miss Human. You’re probably not sick if you’re still walking around.”
“We’re still cool, right?”
“What, this? It’s nothing, it—”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“…Hi.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Miss?”
“Sorry, but can we ask you a few questions about where you’re from? It’s pretty odd to find a Human out here, let alone in an abandoned place like this. Not that we mean to pry, it’s just that it’s kind of our job to ask these questions.”
“Well, to begin with, may we inquire where you come from?”
“Oh, so are you…lost? Or travelling maybe?”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“Do you mean to say you found a Dragon? Somewhere around this area? And you—survived the encounter. Unharmed?”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“From what? Me?”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“Dying?”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“But you cooked it, then? Do you have levels in a [Chef] class, then?”
“Oh, I see, I see. That’s convenient. Did you earn them here?”
“Not bad! Especially if you just got here a few days ago. Did the notification wake you up right as you were falling asleep? I hate that.”
“So. Leveling. Classes.”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“And you’re an [Innkeeper], right? Got any other classes?”
“So four levels in…? That’s too bad. But you’re young; leveling takes time after all.”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“So…okay, let me think.”
“Hey, what did you just call—”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“N-name?”
“Is that wrong?”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“I believe it was my turn to do that. Apologize to the Human for your rudeness.”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“See? She gets it. Told you it was cool.”
“Good. Thanks?”
“This really is quite good. How’d you make this all the way out here?”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“It did.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Um, no. No.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“Really? So that means—”
“Um. Sorry about that. Really. But, uh, can we talk about that name?”
“Yeah. You, um, called me a lizard person, right?”
“Like what?”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really…really cool!”
“Yeah, it’s awesome.”
“Ooh, nasty. What happened there? Looks like a bad cut. Were those Goblins?”
“Please, I mean no harm. But your hand. May I see it?”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
“Please, do not be alarmed. This is treatable. Allow me.”
“Please, believe me. It will heal you.”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“Thank you—ow!”
“No, no I’m not. And how can I—I can’t thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I’ll feed you two again if you want—”
“Right. Well, let’s be going. Um, sorry about that, Miss. Here, let me just pay for the food…”
“Thanks.”
“What a lonely girl.”
“I can. It’s the things on her chest.”
“Yeah, I’d bet on it. I’m not sure why a Human would be out here anyways, let alone in that place.”
“Shut up. She just seems lonely, that’s all. Why else would a Human female want to hang out with a Drake and an overgrown bug?”
“Even if she was, who’d hide there? You’d have to be mad, or be a [Warrior] or [Survivor] to want to live by yourself. Plus, the plague! Do I look sick? Am I oozing?”
“Bet she didn’t know. And her expression when we walked in—she’s never seen a Drake or an Ant before in her life. Well, the Ant part makes sense.”
“What do you think? I bet she’s some kind of runaway or a child that got separated from her clan. Do Humans have clans? Or is it all [Lords] and [Ladies]? Maybe she’s not even from this continent.”
“Her being a runaway would be most likely. I find it hard to believe any Human would wander so far into the grasslands by accident, and she did not seem to be looking for directions. Her magical teleportation story is also possible, but why would she not have asked to be taken to the Mage’s Guild? It is clearly a cover story.”
“You are correct in at least one definition of the word. But speculation is pointless in any case. We investigated the smoke, and now we can make our report. She is not breaking the law since the inn was abandoned nearly ten years ago.”
“She was not lying, at least not intentionally. But it is possible she was mistaken.”
“It seems more likely that she was hallucinating. However…she may have run into a fire-breathing salamander. I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“Again, apologies. But could I trouble you to remove the bandage?”
“It—sorry, it’s a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“What?”
“You sure? It doesn’t feel like—”
“You have? I mean, it’s not an infection?”
“This is a low-grade healing potion. If you pour it over your injury, it should heal your affliction.”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“Are you alright?”
“Apologies. It is unwise to hug those with exoskeletons. Please, are you hurt?”
“I am sure you would prefer that. But we are being paid to work, not to enjoy ourselves. Moreover, you are eating all of this Human’s dinner.”
“Is she female? I could not tell with complete accuracy. She sounded so, but I have met few Humans in social settings.”
“That is what I heard some small Humans saying once. But she’s female. And young, correct?”
“Do you believe she is a lawbreaker or fearful for her life?”
“It was almost certainly safe as I and Watch Captain Zevara assured you repeatedly, Relc. Besides, that young woman’s presence is proof enough. She would be dead within the day if the disease were still present.”
“What about the Dragon? Do you think she made that up?”
“So…scared Human female? Not a threat? Probably a traveller? Makes good pasta?”
“Would you have had me tell her the true value?”
“No, no. It’s for the best. Mind you, I think she figured it out.”
“Me? I don’t like Humans. They’re scaleless, hairy, and they smell funny. I mean, this one’s nice, but I definitely wouldn’t want to see what it looks like under those clothes.”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“I leveled up again.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“Whoa.”
“Stupid thing.”
“What—what was that?”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“Okay. How about…”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“Maybe the poison is making the fruit like—wetter? Or it’s making the fruit weaker?”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“They must be busy.”
“Great. Thanks. Now, wanna go check on that Human? I hear—”
“Do not fret. The Human will not be going anywhere.”
“Mistress. All I ask for is a bit of food. Provide me that and I shall be on my way.”
“No.”
“A pity. But I will have you provide me with sustenance nevertheless.”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“This is unwise. Your insolence will only bring about more punishment.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“What the—”
“...Huh.”
“What—who dares—?”
“So. You're gonna hurt me if I don't give you food, huh?”
“This. This is a pan.”
“In fact, good Mistress, that is in point of reality—”
“If I say it's a pan, it's a pan. The important part is that I'll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“Oh really?”
“Hey, stop that!”
“Try that again and I'll hit you harder.”
“Now look here, there's no need for violence, Miss. I can see that you are no ordinary plebian fool but an extraordinary plebian. Believe me when I say that is a high compliment from a practitioner of the arcane such as I.”
“I know what plebian means.”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I'll break something.”
“What else could it be? I've played D&D.”
“How astute. She's quite intelligent for an [Innkeeper].”
“Ahem. Well, I shall be going. I am—terribly sorry for all that. It was just, ah—a spell which I—desperate times make fools of us all. And clearly, not you. Which is why I shall depart and not trouble you again.”
“My apologies, good [Innkeeper], for all these misunderstandings. Please accept this recompense for your wasted time.”
“So. You're paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“Harshly put, good Mistress. But yes, I would like to make amends. Let us be quits with no further unpleasantness! Or violence. And I am sure this payment is quite acceptable, is it not?”
“You're sweating.”
“Some people don't like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I'm sure mages are really scary when they're far away, but wands aren't good at blocking frying…pots.”
“I, uh, hope this is sufficient, good Mistress. I am of course willing to pay any dues to—to make amends, but I'm slightly low on coin at the moment.”
“Would, ah, this do?”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“Um. Thank you.”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn't have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“Where are you going?”
“Come back here and I'll feed you.”
“And I suppose if I don't, you hit me with that pot, correct?”
“Do I have the option to refuse?”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“You're hungry, aren't you? Well, eat this.”
“So, if I might inquire, what is a delicate flower of effervescence doing in such a locale?”
“Fine. I suppose there's no use attempting to impress anyone who actually has the rudiments of an education. But my question remains: what's a young g—woman like you doing out here alone?”
“This area is known as the Floodplains of Liscor. It's because of a lovely natural phenomenon of the geography and—but you aren't from here, if you don't know about this area. But I would have guessed as much since you are Human. As far as I can tell.”
“The locals don't like Humans that much. Which is a fact anyone in a hundred miles would know. This is the border to the Drake lands to the south. But you…didn't know that, did you?”
“How'd you guess? Actually, you're only half-right, but how'd you guess?”
“They grow that big? No; don't tell me. I don't want to know. But you're right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn't feel like a spell, but…”
“I'm not. But I'll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“And anyways, I didn't see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting 'abracadabra'. And there aren't wizards where I—I mean, I'm sure it wasn't a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“Yeah. It's been fun and games ever since.”
“Fascinating as in 'I know what spell that was?'”
“Me?”
“It's not mine. I just found it and somehow became an [Innkeeper] by cleaning up around here.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it's so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“Yes, you. I told you why I'm here. What's a raggedy mage doing scaring people for food?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I've met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn't try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“Here.”
“Well, if you have no further need of me…I did pay for my misdeeds, after all. Rather handsomely, I might add, given that no harm was actually done except to my person. So I won't intrude any fu—”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I've also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Yeah. It's food.”
“What are you talking about? I'm giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Poisonous?”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I've checked them.”
“...Want one?”
“Look, it's safe. I've eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you'll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“My thanks.”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“I got lost.”
“Floodplains? What are you talking about?”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“You truly didn't? Well, well. A traveller who doesn't know anything about where she is…teleportation spell? Amnesia magic?”
“And you're an expert on [Teleportation] spells? I see.”
“Really? You just turned a corner and you were in a completely different place?”
“No, no. I have no clue what kind of magic would be capable of that, if any. That sounds like a spell which—well, suffice it to say I know of only a few living mages who might even attempt such a feat. But if you were the target, it still makes no sense. Why would anyone waste such a powerful spell on someone as mundane as…as…”
“Yes, well. I see you've established yourself quite nicely. This is—is quite a lovely establishment you've founded. Very quaint.”
“Indeed. That is quite often the case. However, you seem to have taken to it well. This area is inhospitable to most Humans.”
“I see I've overstayed my welcome. Well, your meal was quite adequate, good Mistress. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude.”
“Me? Oh, I'm Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you'll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I'll feed you. Try to scare me and I'll hit you harder next time.”
“It occurs to me that I never asked your name.”
“Oh come on.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“Shall we just say I accept your word? I wouldn't dare question your authority on the subject, good Mistress, it's just that—”
“What do you want?”
“Greetings, good Mistress. I was wondering if I could impose upon you—”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“Um. Very well. Are you open today?”
“Who?”
“You. This establishment.”
“Here?”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“If I might trouble you for a knife and fork—”
“And a plate?”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“Another drink if you would. My cup has run dry.”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“I would be only too happy to. But I fear I was quite parched, and if you would be so good…?”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“With magic, how else? Some shortsighted fool must have cast a localized weather control spell. Impressive, I suppose, but clumsy in execution. As for magical rain—have you never observed glowing rain in any color? Magical typhoons? Ah…raining toads?”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“The term is mage, good Mistress.”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“Aha. Accept my apologies. But if you are referring to one of my exalted brethren, mage is the best term to use.”
“You don’t have wizards or sorcerers or…warlocks? Witches? You’re all just mages?”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“You asked. I was merely fulfilling my role as a guest.”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“So…?”
“Can you?”
“Like dead bodies.”
“Merely another branch of magic, good Mistress Erin. I note you don’t have the same aversion as a less-informed fool. Let me assure you—”
“Good morning everyone! Weird Ant behind me, friendly Human, and—oh.”
“Please pardon our intrusion. Is this establishment open for business?”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“If you would be so kind. Thank you, Miss Erin. It is Klbkch, but you may refer to me as Senior Guardsman if that is simpler.”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“And me. A second plate and a refill of my drink, if you would.”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Um. Uh…”
“Relc.”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“What? How come you remembered this idiot’s name and not mine?”
“Um, sorry.”
“Aren’t I the better-looking one here? What gives?”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“My thanks.”
“So, how’re you doing? Level up again?”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“Ooh, congratulations! Did you get a new skill?”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“Well, you’ve got the Skill for it, so it’ll be a breeze. And you can buy a hammer no problem. Just head down to the city, and you can get a good one for only a silver coin or two. Tell you what, if you’re ever in the area, I’ll help you get one at a discount.”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“If we’re done with the lovely chatting, my glass is empty. Isn’t attending to one’s customers part of my service?”
“Nice customer you’ve got here.”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“Sorry. Again. But…you said rob? As in, that guy over there tried to rob you?”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“The fee was extorted under duress.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“And…you let him come back for breakfast?”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“And you didn’t think to report him to anyone?”
“Like who?”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Very true. Our absence was most lamentable. But allow us to perform our duty now. Incidentally, Mistress Solstice, the pasta was delicious.”
“Ah. I see the good [Innkeeper] holds a grudge. Well, I’m not sure what she told you two, but I assure you, I have compensated her more than adequately for my…mistake. It’s nothing two soldiers need concern themselves with.”
“Good throw, huh?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Oops. Sorry, did I scare you? I forgot normal people aren’t used to that. Don’t worry—I never miss when I throw.”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“Alas, I did not anticipate an arrest, and my gear is signed out at the barracks. I am without manacles or spell-bind rope. We shall have to be attentive with its lack. Unless Miss Solstice has anything to bind him with?”
“Uh, no. No, sorry.”
“Okay. Here’s what I’m thinking. Me and my friend here will drag you out back, beat you with sticks or rocks for a while, and then drag you back to the city for a reward. Then we’ll give half to our lovely innkeeper here. Sound good?”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“Wrong? Why would it be wrong?”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“Don’t worry, miss. We’ll do the punching outside where you don’t have to see.”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“I believe she is saying insults to our position are quite common.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“Signed up? Can you believe this? Humans.”
“Really?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“You’re still under arrest. I can hit you. It’s only because I’m being considerate of Miss Solstice here that I don’t. But I will. If you don’t shut up.”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“Don’t worry, Miss. He’s no threat or we’d have taken him out when we first realized who he was. He looked more dangerous than he turned out to be. You see, both of us can tell if we’re in danger or the enemy is strong. This idiot couldn’t even use [Flash Step] properly!”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“He’s not my friend.”
“That’s—”
“Okay, that’s it. Close your eyes, Miss—”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“No—no need, good Mistress Solstice. I am quite satisfied at the moment.”
“And necromancy.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“Yes, yes. But we’ll just hit you and drag you back so Miss Erin doesn’t see anything nasty. But you’re in serious trouble now, Mister [Necromancer].”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Thank you for informing us of his class, Mistress Erin. Although he posed no threat to either Relc or I, he is far more dangerous than we had believed. I did not notice the illusion spell. I have grown inattentive, lax. Relc as well, but this is a critical failing on my part.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“Why?”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“Less than an hour, but we won’t be able to stay. Sorry. I’ll try to get the patrol out faster, but you know how it is. We’ve got to shift around guardsmen on patrol, set trackers, get armed up, etc.”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“So we’ve gotta go. Why? Are you worried he’ll attack you?”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“…You mean, you don’t know? By the way, things look smaller in the distance, Miss Solstice.”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“Don’t be snippy. But it’s easy to spot. Look, you can even see it out the window here.”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“It’s not a rock. Why are you having a hard time believing me? Can’t you see the buildings?”
“No, I can’t.”
“I do not believe she can, in point of fact.”
“Do not be alarmed. I mean you no harm.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“Look, the city’s that way. It’s only a twenty-minute walk, and there aren’t many monsters along the way. Besides, once you get within a few miles, the area is regularly patrolled, so you won’t have any problems. And if those idiots at the gate stop you—which they won’t—just tell them you know me.”
“Or me. However, you should encounter no problems. Only those with past records of crime are unwelcome in Liscor.”
“Indeed. It is unfortunate we must leave so soon. Our apologies, Miss Solstice.”
“No—no problem.”
“Oh, sorry we forgot to pay. We’re in a hurry so—put it on our tab!”
“…What tab?”
“A rogue [Necromancer] on the loose does nasty things. Even a low-level one can bring down villages if you give him enough dead bodies, and they level fast when that happens. Damn, I’m not going to be the one who let the next Az’kerash get away, Klb. We’re gonna have to hunt this guy down. If we can’t catch him today, I’ll have the Captain send out multiple patrols once we get back to the city. Erin, we have to go, but I think you’re safe if that guy didn’t do anything last time.”
“Men.”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“Aren’t there some more blue fruits around here? Here? No…here? Yep. Nice and wrinkled. Lovely.”
“So it would appear.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“I am a man in desperate straits. You would do well not to underestimate what I am capable of.”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“He didn’t want to tell you the truth! But he and I both know what happens to [Necromancers]. We—any mage possessing even a single level in the class—are all killed on sight in this part of the world!”
“Please, I beg of you. Just one night. Just give me sanctuary, and I swear I will be gone upon the morrow. It is my death without your aid. Would you kill me? I ask you as a fellow Human. Please.”
“Miss Solstice.”
“Please forgive my rudeness. Are you well? We doubled back and lingered, knowing the criminal may have only pretended to flee the area. Are you hurt or in need of assistance?”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“But he’s—”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“I can’t believe this. Are you defending him? Because he’s Human? Or do you not want the blood in here? In that case, I’ll take him out back and—”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“Then I’ll arrest him, and he’ll be executed tomorrow. Happy?”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“She is correct. Without her testimony, we cannot submit a report regarding his attempted thefts.”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal.”
“I believe Senior Guardsman Relc does have just cause, Miss Erin Solstice. It is true that his personal sworn testimony would be called into question if you were to speak against him. [Detect Truth] spells would settle that matter, but Relc’s history of inappropriate conduct on-and-off-duty does not help his case.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“…I believe I am incorrect. Relc, the Watch has no authority here. This is an independent inn, and the [Innkeeper] is allowed to deny our authority here.”
“And I'm out of ingredients.”
“So I'm in trouble.”
“Ah, but what good innkeeper would deprive herself of such a magnificent guest?”
“Please, please, good Mistress, let's not be hasty!”
“Where did you come from? I didn't hear you come in through the door.”
“I was, in fact, upstairs the entire time. Under a bed. It was the simplest solution given the intelligence of those two brutish guardsmen.”
“Good job, I guess. But they're still going to find you. You're a criminal, and you've got nowhere to hide.”
“Except here.”
“Please, hear me out. Rest assured, I bear you no ill will for reporting my actions to the guard. I fully appreciate the severity of my crimes, however—”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“I assure you I would be a quite convivial guest. And I wouldn't ask for much. In fact, you may be interested to know I am proficient in multiple schools of spellcasting. While necromancy is a—passion of mine, I have extensively studied the elementalist, illusory, and enchanting schools of magic. My level is over twenty in the general [Mage] class. Even amongst my fellow students, you would be hard-pressed to find a spellcaster as widely capable as I am. I can aid in a number of functions that would improve your inn. And I have money.”
“And you're telling me all this...why?”
“In point of fact, I was wondering if I might persuade you to shelter and provide me with my basic necessities while in this moment of dire need. I can provide you with adequate recompense, I assure you—”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I'm barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“Would you turn away an innocent—”
“Innocent? You? You're nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you're getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you'd better be long gone from here. And if you don't leave now, I'll kick you out myself.”
“Antagonizing one of my power is unwise. If you have any sense, you will accede to my request. Or know the consequences.”
“Of course I wouldn't do that. I'm no barbarian—”
“Good.”
“Now, now. Let's not be hasty, good Mistress. I was merely saying—”
“—Allow me to apologize. But if I might say a few words—”
“No. Out.”
“Please, please reconsider.”
“No.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“If I am caught, they will take me to the city. And there I will be judged and killed. This is a certainty, Mistress Erin.”
“Relc never said—”
“Well—well too bad.”
“Even if you're in danger, I'm in danger if I hide you. I'm not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“They will have patrols out around the city. They will scour the grasslands for me. Please, if you were to hide me, I would be sure to survive.”
“No. Go.”
“Please, spare my life. If you have any pity in your soul—”
“What?”
“Are you—what's—I'm good. Good.”
“That is well. Then, please stand clear. We will be going about our business, and I would not wish you hurt.”
“Stop moving! Hey!”
“Desist your actions or—”
“You squirming—”
“My magic—”
“Is useless. Surrender.”
“Surrender?”
“Gutting? Hey, that's—”
“Don't be hasty!”
“Cooperate?”
“I will cease all magic and go with you quietly if you assure my life. I meant no harm to you or your companion. But we are at an impasse until you do.”
“By that? You think a piddly little [Barrier of Air] spell is going to stop me?”
“Still don't care. I don't need money if I can get rid of a stinking fleshbag like you.”
“I—I—”
“Gewil—”
“Hey!”
“Stop that! Put the weapons away and get out.”
“What?”
“No!”
“You what?”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there's no reason for you to arrest him.”
“You can't do that!”
“Can she?”
“But he's still a [Necromancer]! That's a crime no matter what he does! And he attacked us!”
“Prove it.”
“What?”
“...No. Not without an artifact. Klb, you got an [Appraisal] scroll?”
“No.”
“Then go. Now.”
“Are you serious? One word to our Watch Captain and she'll send a patrol back to capture this idiot! And if we don't arrest him, you have a [Necromancer] running around! You want us to let him go knowing his class?”
“Absolutely.”
“I could still arrest him for attacking me. Yeah. I'll just do that. Who cares about testimony or whatever?”
“No, I can't.”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“Klb—help me out here!”
“Hey.”
“However. As Senior Guardsman Klbkch, I will vouch for my partner to take this Human into custody for unlawful practices which include extortion, theft, and intimidation, which we have every right to suspect, with or without your testimony.”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You're all wrong, Klbkch.”
“I do not believe I am.”
“Wait—what did she just say? Jurisdic—we don't do that, do we, Klb? Buddy?”
“What? Then let's arrest her too!”
“That would be inadvisable, Relc. We are off-duty, and Miss Solstice has stated her case. Executing a [Mage] of Wistram might also affect the Academy's relationship with our city. Which the Council and Watch Captain would not be happy about.”
“You take one step in the city and I'll—I'll—you take one step in there and I'll do something about it. If I so much as see you on my patrol—”
“I assure you, you will never see—”
“Shut up.”
“Do not mind him. You are within your rights to enforce law within this establishment as you choose. I apologize for the mess on both our behalves.”
“I don't know how I can thank you, good M—Miss Erin. Please, accept my humblest—”
“Out.”
“What?”
“Out.”
“Males.”
“They lied to me.”
“Rubbery.”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“There.”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“Wow. That’s a big hill.”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“So, what do I need?”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“What’s essential?”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“Hm.”
“Shoo!”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“That’s a big wall.”
“…Hi.”
“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“Go on in, Human. Anyone can enter the city. The gates close at sundown.”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”
“I’ll just be going. Now.”
“Apologies, Miss. Was I in your way?”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“Er…apologies, Miss Human. We don’t see many of your kind around here, yes? A [Trader], a traveller? No need to apologize. [Broader Shoulders] means only I can carry a deer back! Half of one, at any rate. If only I had a bag of holding large enough for an entire deer, eh? I wouldn’t make a Human help me lift one of these!”
“Yes? No?”
“Tribes and tribulations. Excuse me, Miss. Watch the blood. If that [Guardsman] asks…pretend you never saw me. I’ve got to get this to the [Butchers] before the Acid Flies are all over.”
“The…”
“Get out of the way, you idiot!”
“Are you blind? Stay on the sidewalk! I nearly ran you over!”
“I’m sorry!”
“A Human? We haven’t seen one of them in…I wonder if another trade caravan’s getting here?”
“Sorry? Sorry? When this wheel runs over your foot, no healing potion in the world is going to get it back. Do you think I want that on my conscience?”
“S-sorry. I just didn’t see—”
“I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a delivery to run. Sidewalk! Use it!”
“Excuse me, Miss. Are you waiting in line for…?”
“One side, Human! Stop blocking the way!”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“What, the Mage’s Guild? You can’t read, Miss Human? Right, you don’t read Drake script. Are you looking for the Mage’s Guild? Runner’s Guild? Adventurer’s Guild? An inn to stay in? Stables? The Watch, maybe? I’m Drassi.”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet…I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“What kind of store?”
“Uh—I—just looking, thanks!”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“Sorry! We overheard, yes?”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“Ah, hello? We can help you over here.”
“Good day, Miss. How can we help you today? Do you have a bounty or request to post? Or are you registering?”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“Oh, I see! No worries, Miss Human. You’re just in the wrong spot, but I can give you directions if you’d like.”
“Oops, sorry. Uh, where am I?”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“Didn’t they have one back in your city?”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“Wow.”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“…Miss? Excuse me, Miss?”
“Oh, I’m really sorry. What was that you were saying?”
“Are you a traveller, Miss? Or maybe…an adventurer? Are you here to register?”
“Oh no. I’m, uh, an innkeeper. I guess. Or maybe a wanderer? Actually, I’m just new around here.”
“An [Innkeeper], is it? Are you opening up a business here? Humans almost never move to Liscor. I’m Selys, by the way. I should have said so from the start. My apologies.”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“Well, I can’t leave the desk, but I can give you some directions. No wonder you were lost—you can’t read any of the signs, can you? Your people normally stick to the north; Esthelm’s as far as most get. What brings you out so far? Oh, and what are you looking for?”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“Well, if it’s food and general supplies you’re looking for, try the market two streets down from here. To get to it, just take a left as you walk out of here and then turn right, and you’ll be there in no time. They’d also have some clothes there, but I’m not sure if they have any made for Humans. What kind of teleportation spell did that? You mean, people teleportation? Gone wrong? That would be a huge scandal. Anyways, the market will have everything you need.”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“Huh?”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“Do I look like a Wolf Beastkin?”
“N-no?”
“I’m a Gnoll.”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“You’re in my way. This is for adventurers.”
“Right. Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“I don’t like Humans. They smell. You smell like garbage. Like rancid oil and flames and things that turn my stomach. And Goblins and dust and mold.”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“Right. Well. I’m sorry about that.”
“I don’t want Humans in here. You don’t belong.”
“Hold on, now. She’s just lost.”
“If you’ve got a bounty—Shield Spiders—I’ll process it now. But this Human was just asking directions. You can’t just kick someone out who—”
“You. You’re stinking up this place with dirt and filth. I can smell the things you’ve rolled in. You haven’t washed in—dead gods. I’m covered in Shield Spider guts and you smell worse! Take a bath before you come back here.”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“Begone.”