Quotes
1000 total quotes
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“No good. I guess—”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“I’m really hungry.”
“Aha!”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“Drat.”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“…What was that?”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag...”
“Curtains.”
“Darn.”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“No. No!”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“That time again? Two hundred years already? I might as well. It’s courteous.”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“Did I just level up?”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“…I hate this world.”
“Got it. Message received.”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“Just a coincidence? An accident? I don’t know, and I didn’t get anything to latch onto. Whomever it is, they’re gone. I—I shall be watchful.”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“Ow.”
“At least, from strange young women appearing out of nowhere. She had to have been the subject of—of some chance. Maybe a [Gambler] or whatnot. Otherwise, I would be either dead or have been contacted by whomever it was. It cannot be Demons; they’re far too unsubtle. Who else? If it was the Quarass, I’d be dead. Djinni smell of magic. And that leaves…my kin, who wouldn’t do that.”
“You…stupid tree!”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“I’m tired.”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“Are those…trees?”
“Like hell it does!”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“Boo!”
“G-goblins?”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“…Am I going to die?”
“Need [Shaman].”
“Well? Come on!”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Hahaha.”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“I hate this world!”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Get back!”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“Ha. Haha.”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“Huh.”
“Eat this!”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Aaaaaah!”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“It hurts.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“Bandage.”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“But I won.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“Still hurts.”
“…Huh?”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“…Bath time.”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“Was that me?”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“Feel sick.”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Huh.”
“Stupid Goblins.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“The stream!”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Water!”
“It’s really hot.”
“W—wh—”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“And hey, I need food. So it's time to chop stuff up.”
“Goblins.”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“…Sushi?”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Where—where was it?”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“Right, food.”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Weird.”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“…Ow.”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“Wow. Magic.”
“Is that…flour?”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“Oh. Oh!”
“What the—”
“It’s gone.”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Either way.”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“Here. Here…they’re everywhere.”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“Not knives.”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“No, nonono—”
“That’s not right.”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Go to hell!”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“That’s butter.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“…It’s probably flour.”
“Damn it.”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“It does look like—smoke. Maybe it’s a traveller. Or bandits. Or whoever’s been robbing the farmsteads.”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“At this rate, I'm going to start a collection.”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“It could just be nothing, Senior [Guardswoman].”
“I’m an idiot.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“Skeleton? Goblins.”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Hot!”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“Dammit.”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“That’s for all of you.”
“You. Get off.”
“Feels like it's worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“Eggs?”
“Yes, [Guardswoman] Beilmark.”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“Ow.”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“That’s Senior Guardsman Klbkch to you, rookie. Send a street runner to tell the Captain.”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“Not a full one, and that’s not our call. I’ll tell the Captain. You just keep an eye on it. I think she’ll put our best patrol on it. Punishment detail for breaking all those windows yesterday.”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Ahh! Owowowowowow!”
“What's that smell?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Or Goblins. I’ve seen them creeping around now and then. Do we send out a patrol?”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“Greetings. May we come in?”
“Blue juice?”
“Relc!”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“I will accept the pasta and water as well. But may I inquire if you have any more meat-based dishes? Corusdeer, perhaps?”
“In a moment. Let’s eat first. This looks good!”
“Oh. Right. Sorry.”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“I told you. It’s flattering, but I’m not a Drag—oh.”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“Good evening, Miss Human. I was wondering if my colleague and I could take up a moment of your time—”
“Now what? I do not believe breaking and entering would be appropriate at this moment.”
“Or inflict other forms of bodily or mental harm upon you.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t have to kill her.”
“I am sure it is.”
“What?”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I'll feed you two again if you want—”
“Maybe it was a bad time?”
“Hello? Miss? We’re not dangerous.”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“Food’s over there.”
“A pity.”
“…So someone on the walls spotted the smoke and called it in. Since it didn’t seem like a grassfire and since we knew this place was abandoned years ago, the Captain decided to send someone to check it out.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“Razorbeaks. Go on, Miss.”
“Indeed. And I must apologize again, but our true intent in coming here was to ascertain the danger posed here.”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“Indeed.”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“What about it? Oh, are you wondering about mine? I’m a [Spearmaster]. This idiot’s a [Swordslayer]. We both have levels in [Guardsman] as well, but not nearly as much as our primary classes. Pretty cool, huh?”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“Actually, I would like to correct you on that point. While the thinking races may level, animals and even creatures such as Dragons are not capable of leveling. Which is common knowledge.”
“Inquiring into others' personal affairs is only a matter for the Guards while we're on duty. Respecting another's personal space is a principle of social interaction.”
“You are correct in at least one definition of the word. But speculation is pointless in any case. We investigated the smoke, and now we can make our report. She is not breaking the law since the inn was abandoned nearly ten years ago.”
“Is that wrong?”
“Like what?”
“Please, I mean no harm. But your hand. May I see it?”
“Oh, definitely. Right after work?”
“Is she female? I could not tell with complete accuracy. She sounded so, but I have met few Humans in social settings.”
“I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“Klb! That’s so devious! We can waste hours and say it was all an investigation! Now you’re thinking like a Drake!”
“Move over. Let me show you how it’s done.”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really...really cool!”
“You sure? It doesn't feel like—”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“Thank you very much.”
“Ooh! Pasta! This is good stuff!”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“To put it succinctly: we saw the fire and decided to investigate.”
“Sorry, but can we ask you a few questions about where you’re from? It’s pretty odd to find a Human out here, let alone in an abandoned place like this. Not that we mean to pry, it’s just that it’s kind of our job to ask these questions.”
“Um, I don’t know?”
“I will endeavor not to in the future.”
“So...okay, let me think.”
“See? She gets it. Told you it was cool.”
“There is a fish in the rivers near here. It secretes a mucus that damages the area it touches. Such as in this case. I have seen several similar afflictions as a guardsman.”
“Thank you—ow!”
“I have no sexual attraction towards Humans. Unlike you.”
“You idiot. I told you this is why I should have opened the door.”
“What, are you crazy? Let me talk. That was just a misunderstanding caused by seeing your face. I’ll straighten all this out.”
“Shut up. Are you trying to scare her?”
“Good evening.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Miss?”
“Oh, so are you…lost? Or travelling maybe?”
“Do you mean to say you found a Dragon? Somewhere around this area? And you—survived the encounter. Unharmed?”
“Oh, right. Those annoying things. What’re they called, Klbkch?”
“And this blue juice tastes good!”
“The plague. This location was once a small community until everyone here died. Horribly. Admittedly, this was a decade ago, but it was evacuated and has been condemned since then.”
“Right.”
“But you cooked it, then? Do you have levels in a [Chef] class, then?”
“So. Leveling. Classes.”
“…You mean you don’t level in this Michigan place?”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“Yeah. You, um, called me a lizard person, right?”
“You’re just an overgrown ant. You be quiet. Anyways, we’re special. Those guys are just amphibians that learned to walk on two legs. We’re related to Dragons. We’ve got special powers.”
“Ooh, nasty. What happened there? Looks like a bad cut. Were those Goblins?”
“Of course not. Why would anyone make a healing potion that hurts when you use it? But look at that!”
“What a lonely girl.”
“A Dragon? Really?”
“...Yeah, sorry.”
“It—sorry, it's a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“No, no I'm not. And how can I—I can't thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Yeah, I'd bet on it. I'm not sure why a Human would be out here anyways, let alone in that place.”
“Bastard.”
“That was my assessment.”
“We may be able to fit checking in there as part of our duties if we convince the Captain it is necessary.”
“Right. Well, let's be going. Um, sorry about that, Miss. Here, let me just pay for the food...”
“Even if she was, who'd hide there? You'd have to be mad, or be a [Warrior] or [Survivor] to want to live by yourself. Plus, the plague! Do I look sick? Am I oozing?”
“She was not lying, at least not intentionally. But it is possible she was mistaken.”
“Pass.”
“Mm. It's not very interesting. They are very fleshy.”
“Hello, Miss. Sorry if we—”
“Am I a Dragon? Aha. Haha. Well, that’s just—oh, Ancestors bite me. I mean, do I look like one? I’m not even Oldblood, but maybe I do. Klb, buddy, what do you think?”
“…Hi.”
“Good job not scaring her.”
“You are blushing.”
“Go roast yourself.”
“Hey, what did you just call—”
“Yeah, it's awesome.”
“You have? I mean, it's not an infection?”
“I insist. That blue drink is really good, by the way.”
“It was almost certainly safe as I and Watch Captain Zevara assured you repeatedly, Relc. Besides, that young woman's presence is proof enough. She would be dead within the day if the disease were still present.”
“Yeah. A Dragon? Really?”
“Would you have had me tell her the true value?”
“Ew.”
“Sorry, sorry, Miss. We’re not here to hurt you, I promise.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“You said it poorly. I am merely rephrasing your words for the benefit of all.”
“Well, to begin with, may we inquire where you come from?”
“Oh, a [Teleportation] spell? Was it a misfire or did someone target you? That’s a Mage’s Guild issue.”
“Goblins. And by the way, some Wyverns breathe fire too.”
“Indeed. We would not violate our duty as guardsmen.”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“And not oozing.”
“Shut up. This is your fault. I told you I should go first. I’m not a horrific Ant.”
“Yes, but I have my badge on. You have not brought yours. Again. For the eighth day in a row. Therefore, I was the most logical choice to—”
“Be quiet. I’m in a good mood now.”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“Well, I’ll gladly accept. Klbkch, you want any?”
“See, this. This is why no one else is willing to be your partner. Along with you being, y’know, you.”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“Not if they did not cause it. Intriguing. Was it a magical duel, perhaps? Some high-level spellcasting?”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with you staying here. Aside from dying, that is.”
“Excuse me? I’m not a Dragon, Miss Human. I’m just an incredible Drake in service to the City Watch. Me and my idiot partner were on patrol when we noticed the smoke. May we come in? I promise we won’t bite.”
“Um, sure.”
“I’ll have a glass if that’s alright.”
“I will pass for the moment. We should get down to business rather than partake of food.”
“Your hurtful remarks are unnecessary. Besides which, I believe we are getting off track. We are in the presence of a member of the general public, remember.”
“Michigan? I’m not familiar with that city. Or is it a nation…? Is that north of here? Over the mountains, maybe? On this continent?”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“A what?”
“Our pardons. We have not introduced ourselves. Allow me to correct this mistake. I am Klbkch, Senior Guardsman in the employ of the City of Liscor. This is my partner, also a Senior Guardsman.”
“Dying?”
“Indeed. There is no law against occupying this area.”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“It’s very annoying.”
“So four levels in…? That’s too bad. But you’re young; leveling takes time after all.”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“Um. Sorry about that. Really. But, uh, can we talk about that name?”
“Shut up. I’m still sorry. But yeah, there’s a big difference. I mean, sure, Humans say we look similar, but we’re totally different. They have those neck frills, and they’re way too colorful. We build cities out of proper stone, but the Lizardfolk live near water and can breathe underwater too, some of them. They have Naga and, like, jungles in Baleros. Whereas we Drakes like drier climates. We enjoy warm sun, open spaces…”
“Only a few Drakes can do it, okay? Not breathing fire is perfectly normal. And some of us can, so there.”
“Please, believe me. It will heal you.”
“Or, and hear me out. Or…we could have more food and stay here longer.”
“I would prefer that you call my species by their proper name.”
“So, a lesser healing potion of no worth, huh? You know, I’ve never heard you lie like that.”
“Really? So that means—”
“What, this? It's nothing, it—”
“Please, do not be alarmed. This is treatable. Allow me.”
“Thanks.”
“I would gladly partake of nourishment if offered. However, we would not wish to deprive you of your meal.”
“Oh, thank you. It’s…blue.”
“That’s what I said.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“Of course we wouldn’t eat you! That’s barbaric, and besides, it’s illegal. I mean, okay, sure, it happens sometimes in distant villages, but we wouldn’t do that. Right, Klbkch?”
“Not you, specifically. Really, it could be anything. We thought it might be a random fire or a few Goblins. If there were some stupid kids, on the other hand, we’d be dragging them back right now since it’s dangerous to stay here. Bandits on the other hand…”
“Why don’t you shut up and let me talk? Look, Miss Human. You’re probably not sick if you’re still walking around.”
“Oh, sure.”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“Uh—thanks. [Spearmaster]. Me. Him—[Swordslayer]. No, it’s cool. We’re [Guards]. Yeah.”
“That is unusual. I was under the impression levels worked uniformly across all species. However, I too understand the issues of communicating leveling and the system of classes. Even so, it is odd to think there is a nation that does not teach it in some way. Unless you are referring to a cultural difference in classes?”
“They can level. Now, about what you just said. I’m not a lizard—”
“I believe it was my turn to do that. Apologize to the Human for your rudeness.”
“What? It’s a great power!”
“It is poison. Of a sort.”
“Please, it was nothing. That was merely a low-grade healing potion of no great worth. Let us call it payment for the meal. Unless, of course, you object?”
“Mammary glands? Breasts, I think they’re referred to. Or maybe the word is tits.”
“You’re a regular do-gooder, huh? Trying to level up your…[Good Person] class? Is that a class?”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Again, apologies. But could I trouble you to remove the bandage?”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“Well, we'll be off then. Good night to you.”
“What do you think? I bet she's some kind of runaway or a child that got separated from her clan. Do Humans have clans? Or is it all [Lords] and [Ladies]? Maybe she's not even from this continent.”
“Plus, we'd know if a Dragon lived around here. They're pretty obvious.”
“...Perhaps.”
“Deviant.”
“Look. It’s getting sort of embarrassing. I’m not a Dragon. I’m a Drake. And yeah, we’re distantly related cousins, but Dragons are…there’s no way. That would be huge. You said you saw one? You sure it wasn’t a Wyvern? It was probably a Wyvern.”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“From what? Me?”
“Actually, the plague symptoms manifested themselves as—”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“Oh, I see, I see. That’s convenient. Did you earn them here?”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“They have to teach Humans how to level? Weird.”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“…Yes. Yes, it is. I’m a Drake, not one of the Lizardfolk. There’s a big difference.”
“We can breathe fire. Some of us can, at least.”
“It is not an infection.”
“Apologies. It is unwise to hug those with exoskeletons. Please, are you hurt?”
“I can. It’s the things on her chest.”
“So, shall we return tomorrow?”
“You know fully well that I have no levels in any class of the kind. I was merely being kind.”
“Uh, don't apologize. Look, maybe I overreacted a bit. I'm not, uh, mad...”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
“Are you alright?”
“That is what I heard some small Humans saying once. But she's female. And young, correct?”
“Her being a runaway would be most likely. I find it hard to believe any Human would wander so far into the grasslands by accident, and she did not seem to be looking for directions. Her magical teleportation story is also possible, but why would she not have asked to be taken to the Mage's Guild? It is clearly a cover story.”
“So...scared Human female? Not a threat? Probably a traveller? Makes good pasta?”
“How are you going to explain that to the Captain, huh? That's supposed to be special-issue. We won't even get another shipment of that quality for months, probably! All the way from Pallass once the Blood Fields are frozen.”
“Shut up.”
“It’s just a possibility. This, uh, place is sort of bad. For your health.”
“Good. Thanks?”
“That would be a preservation spell. It is quite common among higher-class establishments.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“Oh, that. New classes without an apprenticeship, you mean? Simple. You must have satisfied the requirements for the class, that’s all. I know it’s sort of weird gaining a new class suddenly, but it happens. I knew a guy who gained four levels in [Farmer] just because he kept growing carrots in pots next to his window. Not [Gardener], [Farmer]. I guess it was because he grew lots of carrots. Leveling is weird that way.”
“N-name?”
“Nice rocks to laze about upon while we should be performing our duties.”
“We’re still cool, right?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“I am sure you would prefer that. But we are being paid to work, not to enjoy ourselves. Moreover, you are eating all of this Human’s dinner.”
“Fine. Antinium. Happy?”
“I will accept gladly. But for now I am full, and I believe it is time to be going. We would not wish to intrude upon your hospitality for too long.”
“Do you believe she is a lawbreaker or fearful for her life?”
“What about the Dragon? Do you think she made that up?”
“Agreed. And it is very restful. You should attempt it sometime.”
“Me? I don't like Humans. They're scaleless, hairy, and they smell funny. I mean, this one's nice, but I definitely wouldn't want to see what it looks like under those clothes.”
“Shut up. Ahem. We were just sent here to make sure no Goblins or nasty creatures started living here. We’ve got no problem with Humans. Well, at least the non-violent kind.”
“This really is quite good. How’d you make this all the way out here?”
“It did.”
“Um, no. No.”
“That’s pretty much how it works. What were you confused about?”
“Hey!”
“Only a few differences, but the animosity between their cultures is—”
“Shut up, Klbkch!”
“Yep. Good thing it’s meant to treat light infections too. Klb, are you going to…?”
“We are still on duty, if you recall. The Captain will be expecting a report. If we do return, we will have more time to socialize.”
“Shut up. She just seems lonely, that’s all. Why else would a Human female want to hang out with a Drake and an overgrown bug?”
“Bet she didn't know. And her expression when we walked in—she's never seen a Drake or an Ant before in her life. Well, the Ant part makes sense.”
“It seems more likely that she was hallucinating. However...she may have run into a fire-breathing salamander. I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“No, no. It's for the best. Mind you, I think she figured it out.”
“—It's not that I'm not interested. I have an open mind! I wouldn't mind looking. If I was offered. They've got nothing on good scales, but I could get over the fleshiness. Maybe.”
“I will have another as well.”
“Not bad! Especially if you just got here a few days ago. Did the notification wake you up right as you were falling asleep? I hate that.”
“And you’re an [Innkeeper], right? Got any other classes?”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“Indeed. It is part of our shared past. Once, of course, all races fought with tooth and claw and magic, but then they divided. Those who decided to forsake their natures and pursue a different truth received the gift of leveling, while those creatures who stayed true to their nature kept the might of their natures instead. According to historical records, at least. It is the subject of some studies, but that is the consensus.”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“I feel I must mention that you, personally, cannot breathe fire, Relc.”
“This is a low-grade healing potion. If you pour it over your injury, it should heal your affliction.”
“We wouldn’t?”
“Right, right. Let's tell the Captain and get some sleep. Or rather, I'll sleep and you do—whatever Ants do to sleep. Sitting-sleeping or whatever.”
“Sure, suuuure you were.”
“Really? I thought those were birds.”
“I did not believe a lesser one would be worth the risk. I shall make do with a replacement, and I will deduct the cost from my pay. Besides which, it was used to protect a civilian.”
“She was quite interesting in any case. It was pleasant talking to her.”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“No.”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“Stupid thing.”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“They must be busy.”
“But—we’re signed out—”
“I know, I know. But I was going to eat more pasta and—”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“I do not wish to become angry.”
“It matters not. I require sustenance. Food. Provide that to me, and I shall be on my way.”
“No?”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“Almost.”
“…Jerk.”
“Alright, let’s go. Man, I really hate Captain Z.”
“What—what was that?”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“Are you done logging out for the day yet?”
“We’ll count your hours later, move!”
“Relc!”
“Maybe the poison is making the fruit like—wetter? Or it’s making the fruit weaker?”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“I leveled up again.”
“A pity. But I will have you provide me with sustenance nevertheless.”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“Whoa.”
“Mistress. All I ask for is a bit of food. Provide me that and I shall be on my way.”
“A visitor.”
“Do not fret. The Human will not be going anywhere.”
“Shut up and get moving! I need everyone there, now.”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“What? Some idiot had to start a fight now of all times? We were going to go back and—”
“Aw.”
“Senior Guardsman Relc, belay that! There’s a brawl in the marketplace. Get over there and stop the fighting!”
“You know we will be called upon to go after those who got away. And there is damage assessment, guard detail, investigating any burglaries during the violence…”
“After you.”
“Do not anger me further. If you refuse my simple request, I will—”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“This is unwise. Your insolence will only bring about more punishment.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“Great. Thanks. Now, wanna go check on that Human? I hear—”
“Okay. How about…”
“What a pain. Let’s smack some scales-for-brains quick. Maybe we’ll still have time to go to the inn afterwards.”
“She can eat my scales. Let’s go and get this over with.”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“Give me what I desire. Or I shall—”
“A pity. Let’s be on our way.”
“Don’t insult the Watch Captain while we are within earshot.”
“I will not be denied. Open this door or face my wrath.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“There. I have signed us both out. Again.”
“Some people don’t like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“Come back here and I’ll feed you.”
“Highly. The core of the Amentus Fruit causes painful death within hours if eaten. While the outer rind is safe for consumption, the inner seeds are toxic. You are aware of this, right?”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“Fine. I suppose there’s no use attempting to impress anyone who actually has the rudiments of an education. But my question remains: what’s a young g—woman like you doing out here alone?”
“How’d you guess? Actually, you’re only half-right, but how’d you guess?”
“Yeah. It’s been fun and games ever since.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it’s so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“Me? Oh, I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“Ah.”
“If I say it’s a pan, it’s a pan. The important part is that I’ll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“So. You’re gonna hurt me if I don’t give you food, huh?”
“Ow!”
“How astute. She’s quite intelligent for an [Innkeeper].”
“I-I see?”
“Ah. Of course. Well, as a practitioner of the mystic arts, I feel it is always wise to be…generous.”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I’ve also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I’ve checked them.”
“I suppose the toxicity would be acceptable if it were just the fruit. Well then.”
“I got lost.”
“It’s common. Well, not common exactly, but it’s the only explanation I can think of. Back in the Academy…it was not an unheard of phenomenon. I suppose you could have also been carried off by one of the local avian species, but they tend to drop their prey and chew their bones.”
“Fascinating. That has to be a very high-level phenomenon or artifact. Seamless teleportation without any visual cues and even sensation at that range? Not even our Archmages could…fascinating indeed.”
“Me?”
“Here.”
“Just answer the question.”
“Me?”
“I’m not. But I’ll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“This area is known as the Floodplains of Liscor. It’s because of a lovely natural phenomenon of the geography and—but you aren’t from here, if you don’t know about this area. But I would have guessed as much since you are Human. As far as I can tell.”
“So, if I might inquire, what is a delicate flower of effervescence doing in such a locale?”
“You struck me? Me? How dare you! I will have you know I am a mage of great power, and I will not be—”
“Try that again and I’ll hit you harder.”
“Ahem. Well, I shall be going. I am—terribly sorry for all that. It was just, ah—a spell which I—desperate times make fools of us all. And clearly, not you. Which is why I shall depart and not trouble you again.”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn’t have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“Ah. Am I supposed to eat this?”
“I see.”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Well, eat this.”
“Lost? It takes quite some skill to wander this far into the Floodplains. Or are you a local? I very much doubt you are, though.”
“Do I have the option to refuse?”
“And I suppose if I don’t, you hit me with that pot, correct?”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I’m sure mages are really scary when they’re far away, but wands aren’t good at blocking frying…pots.”
“So. You’re paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“I know what plebian means.”
“This. This is a pan.”
“Now look here, there’s no need for violence, Miss. I can see that you are no ordinary plebian fool but an extraordinary plebian. Believe me when I say that is a high compliment from a practitioner of the arcane such as I.”
“My apologies, good [Innkeeper], for all these misunderstandings. Please accept this recompense for your wasted time.”
“In fact, good Mistress, that is in point of reality—”
“Pisces, practitioner of magic, student of Wistram Academy, specialized in the Elementalist and Illusionary schools of magic with additional competencies in multiple spell schools.”
“You would not be so quick to judge if you knew more about the people you’re defending. Especially this city.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I’ve met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn’t try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“Yes, you. I told you why I’m here. What’s a raggedy mage doing scaring people for food?”
“Fascinating as in ‘I know what spell that was?’”
“They grow that big? No; don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But you’re right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn’t feel like a spell, but…”
“…Necromancy.”
“I see I’ve overstayed my welcome. Well, your meal was quite adequate, good Mistress. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude.”
“My physical appearance has nothing to do with—”
“No, no. I have no clue what kind of magic would be capable of that, if any. That sounds like a spell which—well, suffice it to say I know of only a few living mages who might even attempt such a feat. But if you were the target, it still makes no sense. Why would anyone waste such a powerful spell on someone as mundane as…as…”
“And you’re an expert on [Teleportation] spells? I see.”
“Floodplains? What are you talking about?”
“My thanks.”
“What the—”
“Oh really?”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I’ll break something.”
“You’re sweating.”
“I, uh, hope this is sufficient, good Mistress. I am of course willing to pay any dues to—to make amends, but I’m slightly low on coin at the moment.”
“Where are you going?”
“Are you aware that, ah, this fruit is poisonous?”
“Shall we just say I accept your word? I wouldn’t dare question your authority on the subject, good Mistress, it’s just that—”
“How rude. My advanced lexicon and diction is merely a result of my education, not a façade that—”
“The locals don’t like Humans that much. Which is a fact anyone in a hundred miles would know. This is the border to the Drake lands to the south. But you…didn’t know that, did you?”
“And anyways, I didn’t see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting ‘abracadabra’. And there aren’t wizards where I—I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“It’s not mine. I just found it and somehow became an [Innkeeper] by cleaning up around here.”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“Um. Thank you.”
“…Want one?”
“Yeah. It’s food.”
“Ah, but money is so…mundane. Where would the enjoyment in life be without variety?”
“Ah, this is understandable. But may I remind you that traditionally those who practice magic are beings of great power that should not be crossed?”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you’ll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I’ll feed you. Try to scare me and I’ll hit you harder next time.”
“I, ah, came here to expand my horizons. This part of the continent—well, the local collection of city-states are quite hospitable to those people trying to avoid undue attention. Besides, food is plentiful if one has certain skills.”
“…Huh.”
“Hey, stop that!”
“You—you could tell it was an invisibility spell?”
“Am I? Terribly sorry. Let me just, ah…”
“Would, ah, this do?”
“Well, if you have no further need of me…I did pay for my misdeeds, after all. Rather handsomely, I might add, given that no harm was actually done except to my person. So I won’t intrude any fu—”
“Poisonous?”
“Oh come on.”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“You truly didn’t? Well, well. A traveller who doesn’t know anything about where she is…teleportation spell? Amnesia magic?”
“Really? You just turned a corner and you were in a completely different place?”
“Indeed. That is quite often the case. However, you seem to have taken to it well. This area is inhospitable to most Humans.”
“One does what one must to survive.”
“It occurs to me that I never asked your name.”
“Yes, well. I see you’ve established yourself quite nicely. This is—is quite a lovely establishment you’ve founded. Very quaint.”
“…Perhaps.”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“Look, it’s safe. I’ve eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you’ll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“What are you talking about? I’m giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Only on occasion. And I quite understand your irate feelings. However, since I believe all is settled, I shall just…”
“Fair point. Let me just amend my fee.”
“Harshly put, good Mistress. But yes, I would like to make amends. Let us be quits with no further unpleasantness! Or violence. And I am sure this payment is quite acceptable, is it not?”
“What—who dares—?”
“Behold my p—”
“What else could it be? I’ve played D&D.”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“Klbkch, got anything to tie him up with?”
“You multiplied. Can Humans do that?”
“Ah. Eh. Um, what I meant was—”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“Nice customer you’ve got here.”
“The fee was extorted under duress.”
“Yeah, it’s great! Hold on.”
“We’re no soldiers. We’re [Guardsmen]. And we’ve been looking for the bastard who’s been robbing homes with illusion spells.”
“Gotcha. Tried to run from me, did you? No one ever gets away.”
“[Detect Guilt] is a basic Skill most [Guardsmen] get. I can sense your guilt, which is enough for me to justify this arrest.”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Yeah, but he called me a common thug. I want to punch him for that.”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“Doesn’t stick so well on scales. Anyways, we’ve gotta pay a fine if we lose it, so why risk it, right? I only need it when I want to prove who I am or pull rank, anyways.”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“Okay, that’s it. Close your eyes, Miss—”
“Such as?”
“Please pardon our intrusion. Is this establishment open for business?”
“I paid no attention. The plebian masses are a burden to be endured; I bear no ill will to the misinformed or ignorant for their rudeness.”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“Shut up. Do you have to ruin everything I say?”
“Sorry.”
“And you didn’t think to report him to anyone?”
“How about you do the magic spell where you turn into a monster? I’d love to see that. Or better yet, do you have a spell to get out of trouble? Because you’re going to need one now.”
“Y-yeah.”
“A pity. But we shall do without.”
“Actually, I would prefer—”
“Yes, we wouldn’t want to ruin the enjoyment of mindless thugs like yourself.”
“What?”
“Look, I’m not sure what Humans do, but in our city, the city watch isn’t like mercenaries or personal bodyguards. We don’t just sign up. We have to be voted in.”
“Right. Good. Anyways, we’re the ones with weapons, and you’re just a [Mage]. Not a high-level one either or you’d be teleporting away.”
“He’s not my friend.”
“Peh. You should drink. It’ll be the last tasty thing you eat for a long time. Actually, what am I saying? This stuff’s way too good for you. Just remember what you’re missing when we lock you away.”
“Well, well. Theft of a corpse and reanimation, no doubt. That’s another big mark on the list of charges. But necromancy, well, that also means we don’t have to bring you back alive anymore.”
“No. I’d be able to sense if he were within a few feet of me. This was an illusion spell. A damn clever one, too. He pretended he was here and walked off while we were busy chatting. Most idiot spellcasters aren’t that stealthy or…when did he creep off? Klb, it was when you let go of him! I didn’t even see the chair move—damn, the chair’s an illusion too! Normally I can hear idiots skulking around even on the battlefield! This bastard tricked me! Me!”
“Hey, you!”
“Ah.”
“My specialization lies in other areas.”
“Plus, we already know all about you and your crimes.”
“Do we have rules like that?”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“Signed up? Can you believe this? Humans.”
“Fascinating. But it’s still the elevated status of a common enforcer when all is said and done, isn’t it?”
“A keen observer would discern his opponent’s weaknesses and strengths and make assumptions based on their actions and ability. These two, on the other hand, are just using a Skill.”
“Relax. I would prefer not to damage this establishment. Nor would the owner or even you, I suspect.”
“I have studied countless schools of magic. You see before you a practitioner of the elements, a weaver of illusions, a refined chanter, a master of alchemy, pyromancy, aeromancy, geomancy—”
“What the—”
“Oh, he’s probably as dangerous as a frog in a fight. That’s not the problem.”
“So we’ve gotta go. Why? Are you worried he’ll attack you?”
“Well, yeah. Isn’t it obvious?”
“I believe Humans have more limited eyesight than you or I.”
“Well then.”
“Alas, I did not anticipate an arrest, and my gear is signed out at the barracks. I am without manacles or spell-bind rope. We shall have to be attentive with its lack. Unless Miss Solstice has anything to bind him with?”
“We’ve been looking for you, Mister Mage. Or should I say, the scary creature that threatens travellers and people living by themselves? You’ve been stealing food and money for nearly a month. There’s even a bounty on your head, which I’d love to collect.”
“I believe that may be a Human standard.”
“Ten a what?”
“Perhaps if you explained our function more properly there would be no need for outrage. Clearly, the nature of guardspeople differs culturally. I thought Humans did it quite similarly in the north, but…elaborate, Relc.”
“Oh, good. I got worried there for a second.”
“I believe she is saying insults to our position are quite common.”
“Right, well. It’s still not—okay.”
“Pardon me. I would not dare to interrupt such august personages such as yourself. Please, proceed.”
“My scales aren’t itching, so your Human friend here isn’t that good at magic. They always itch when I’m in danger. That’s not a Skill, either. But your friend can’t even trigger my [Dangersense]. Not even a little ring.”
“No—no need, good Mistress Solstice. I am quite satisfied at the moment.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Why?”
“You’re still under arrest. I can hit you. It’s only because I’m being considerate of Miss Solstice here that I don’t. But I will. If you don’t shut up.”
“Well, he’s right. We do have Skills. They’re part of our classes, although in my case I’ve got [Dangersense]. But I’m also a former soldier. And Klb? He’s the Slayer. We can tell you’re not hot stuff, Human.”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“And necromancy.”
“Gone.”
“We thought he was just an illusionist. That’s annoying, but really all he can do is scare folks into giving him things. But a necromancer’s worse. Far worse. We could let him go if he was just a normal [Mage], but we’ve got to find him now, and he knows it.”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“I am a powerful [Mage] far beyond your capabilities. Even if your paltry Skills cannot detect my—capabilities—you would do well to be wary of my hidden…capabilities.”
“Regardless if you know my identity or not, I still believe you will find capturing me no easy task.”
“Thank you for informing us of his class, Mistress Erin. Although he posed no threat to either Relc or I, he is far more dangerous than we had believed. I did not notice the illusion spell. I have grown inattentive, lax. Relc as well, but this is a critical failing on my part.”
“Humans. You’re so arrogant and crazy. It’s almost funny. If you’re so full of powerful magic, dodge this.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“We should be able to cover the distance in approximately ten minutes if we run.”
“A rogue [Necromancer] on the loose does nasty things. Even a low-level one can bring down villages if you give him enough dead bodies, and they level fast when that happens. Damn, I’m not going to be the one who let the next Az’kerash get away, Klb. We’re gonna have to hunt this guy down. If we can’t catch him today, I’ll have the Captain send out multiple patrols once we get back to the city. Erin, we have to go, but I think you’re safe if that guy didn’t do anything last time.”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“The city? What about it?”
“It’s not a rock. Why are you having a hard time believing me? Can’t you see the buildings?”
“Look, the city’s that way. It’s only a twenty-minute walk, and there aren’t many monsters along the way. Besides, once you get within a few miles, the area is regularly patrolled, so you won’t have any problems. And if those idiots at the gate stop you—which they won’t—just tell them you know me.”
“…What tab?”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“No, I can’t.”
“Or me. However, you should encounter no problems. Only those with past records of crime are unwelcome in Liscor.”
“Yeah. We've got to keep it on us at all times. Some guys wear it on their chests, but it can get ripped off. Besides...”
“Don’t be snippy. But it’s easy to spot. Look, you can even see it out the window here.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“Indeed. It is unfortunate we must leave so soon. Our apologies, Miss Solstice.”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“Don’t mind Klbkch. He’s ugly even for an ant. But you really can’t see the city from here?”
“No—no problem.”
“I do not believe she can, in point of fact.”
“And speaking of which…we’ve gotta go. It’s my day off, but we’ll report that annoying Human maggot-mage back at the barracks. If we move fast, we might get him before he runs too far.”
“What? That’s stupid.”
“Oh, sorry we forgot to pay. We’re in a hurry so—put it on our tab!”
“Hey, Klbkch, coming?”
“Um. Uh…”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“Well…stop it.”
“Sorry. Again. But…you said rob? As in, that guy over there tried to rob you?”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Oh, but it is, it is! And you’re wrong, by the way.”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“I am completely innocent—utterly so. These baseless accusations are false and—”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“Don’t worry, miss. We’ll do the punching outside where you don’t have to see.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“Really. See, we’ve gotta get at least fifty ordinary citizens to vouch for us before we’re sworn in. And to become Senior Guardsmen like us, you’ve got to get at least four hundred. Impressive, right?”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“That’s—”
“Last I checked, you were within arm’s reach. That means your fancy spells aren’t going to do a thing before I hit you hard enough to make your brains pop out. Trust me. I’ve done it before.”
“Oh, really?”
“Right, right.”
“Less than an hour, but we won’t be able to stay. Sorry. I’ll try to get the patrol out faster, but you know how it is. We’ve got to shift around guardsmen on patrol, set trackers, get armed up, etc.”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“Do not be alarmed. I mean you no harm.”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“Can you?”
“…You mean, you don’t know? By the way, things look smaller in the distance, Miss Solstice.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“Relc.”
“Oh.”
“That’s quite useful! Most craftsman and artisan classes get that early on. I guess [Innkeepers] are sorta like that, right? Got to take care of the inn, repair windows, fix tables, and all that.”
“If we’re done with the lovely chatting, my glass is empty. Isn’t attending to one’s customers part of my service?”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Very true. Our absence was most lamentable. But allow us to perform our duty now. Incidentally, Mistress Solstice, the pasta was delicious.”
“About what?”
“Good, good.”
“You are lying.”
“Wrong? Why would it be wrong?”
“Who?”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“With magic, how else? Some shortsighted fool must have cast a localized weather control spell. Impressive, I suppose, but clumsy in execution. As for magical rain—have you never observed glowing rain in any color? Magical typhoons? Ah…raining toads?”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“It’s not just a job. It’s a highly prestigious job! Not just anyone can be part of the city guard, let alone a Senior Guard.”
“They’re interesting and entertaining, but they don’t have much inside their fleshy heads. I’d never trust a Human to have my back. Drakes stick together and Humans do their thing in the north, am I right?”
“Typical Humans. Walking in here, stinking up the market, and insulting any non-Humans you find. You should be grateful the Guard doesn’t run you out of the city! First that damn [Necromancer] comes here, and now this smelly one that can’t even read.”
“Where was that Human?”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Hey, I’m telling the truth here. Little Miss Human isn’t that bad. You should meet her. But let me tell you, she can also be pretty annoying. Remember that [Necromancer] guy I told you me and Klbkch tracked down? She wouldn’t let us kill him even after he blasted us both with a few spells. Just kept saying that he wasn’t that bad.”
“Two gold coins. Eight silver. That will buy you a bag of flour, oil, butter, four sausages, two onions, and a bag of sugar, salt, and yeast.”
“Got you bastards. You can’t run from Relc! Damn, I thought there were three of you? Whatever. If Erin doesn’t love this—now I need to find some wood. Damn. I should be having dinner!”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“It was nothing. They’re no threat to me or anyone with a few levels in any warrior class. But don’t worry about those pests. I said I’d make it up to you, didn’t I? I’ll do something about them.”
“Don’t touch. You’ll stink it up with your Human smell.”
“No touching the food with your filthy hands unless you’re buying!”
“Right at the start. Did you see her expression? Relc’s not gonna have an easy time explaining that.”
“I really didn’t mean it. It’s just—[Necromancers], y’know? They’re dangerous. And it’s best to kill them on sight. You ever seen a thousand zombies trying to eat anything in sight? Even if they’re low-level, even if they play nice, I could never trust a [Necromancer].”
“If you’re done grubbing in the dirt, I have more customers to serve.”
“Two coppers per ear…nah. Stick. Stick. You’ve gotta put them on sticks and—you know what? She can figure out how she wants to mount them.”
“Lism!”
“Still, she’s interesting. Erin, or whatever her name is. She makes a mean plate of pasta, let me tell you. And she’s tougher than she looks—I didn’t think any Human could survive out in the Floodplains that long. She’s funny too.”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“Right, right. Well, if you remembered his face, I could find who sold you all that, but I doubt anyone’d bear witness against him. And there’s not much for me to go on. I mean, he sold you overpriced goods but it was your fault as well. No offense meant, Miss, but how’d you trade a gold coin for a sack or two of flour?”
“It was the last skill I got from my [Sergeant] class. I think you get it in [Spearmaster] as well, but I don’t know. Either way, it’s a life-saver.”
“No. If Klbkch can do it, so can I. Anything that damn bug can do I can do better. But hey, what’s this about a Human? Is it that female one I was telling you about?”
“Hey, Miss Human! Wait! I didn’t mean it!”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“Hey! Slither off, you little bastards!”
“Look, I’m still really sorry about before. I didn’t mean—well, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“But that’s what you think.”
“[Iron Scales].”
“You, Human! If you're looking for a bargain, shop here!”
“Human, I have a business to run and a store to manage! Either pay me my price or be gone. You won’t find a better offer in this market.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“You’ve got no talent for that game. If you didn’t have [Thick Scales], you’d have cut your hand off years ago.”
“I just gave you my price. Take it or leave it.”
“Really? What kind of rotscale sold you—why did you spend that much money?”
“Oh.”
“Okay, okay. So they weren’t that dangerous. And I was just doing my job; true. But I am sorry. Really. I said too much back there.”
“Look. I’m very sorry, Miss Erin. Let me carry your bag. It must be quite heavy, and this way we can talk without one of us falling over.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“I don’t have all day to play fetch for you, Human. Just tell me what you want to buy first.”
“That explains everything. What kind of level do you have to be to get that, anyways? No one else has it, so it must be high level.”
“What does it look like, Human?”
“How long was she here?”
“Where? Two?”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“It’s not often I get to rescue a damsel in distress. That’s what they call Human females, right? Damsels? Anyways, I saw you were in trouble, so I immediately rushed to help.”
“So, how’s my favorite Human doing? Good? Bad? Um. I, uh, don’t suppose you heard what I was saying. It was just a joke, really. I didn’t mean…”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“Oh come on. Don’t be like that. I just—well, it was just me being careless, alright? Let’s talk. Please?”
“Okay. I’ll buy it all.”
“Humans. I don’t know why you’re interested in this one. It’s certainly not the smell, to hear Belsc talk.”
“Then stop flipping. It’s annoying, and you keep nearly hitting people. Remember poor Tkrn the day he signed up? He still flinches whenever he sees a dagger.”
“Well, there are signs. I just can't read them.”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“No. I mean, there’s food in here, but that’s only a few silver coins at best. I’m sure you had more than that, right? How much did you spend?”
“I’ll bet. No wonder you don’t worry about hurting yourself, you smooth-scaled bastard.”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Where?”
“Hey! Miss Erin! Wait!”
“Magic. Either that or they're all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“That looks heavy. Here, let me carry it for you.”
“Hello there, Miss Erin. Fancy meeting you here.”
“Look, I know I was sort of—okay, I was rude, but let’s talk. Hello? Are you listening?”
“So. When did you spot her?”
“Yeah, you get used to that.”
“Sausages. Mm. But hey, why didn’t you buy any clothes? I thought all females loved clothes, Drake or Human.”
“Um. Erin something. Sol? Solace? It was something like that. Erin Solace? Did he mention anything else about her?”
“I still don’t get it. There’s no scales, nothing firm to grab. What’s the point?”
“Stupid Humans.”
“Sorry. Sorry.”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“I…could help you find what you want. Krshia’s Silverfang Goods. Do you have anything you want or—?”
“Hrmf. Suit yourself.”
“Can I get you anything? What are you looking for?”
“Yeah. He said she was really annoying. And she talked too much.”
“Too bad I never got any dagger skills. I can’t understand how this stupid flipping works.”
“Well, what are you seeking?”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“No, I’ll just wander around and—look. Thank you.”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“Oh, bite me.”
“I know!”
“Dunno. She must’ve walked in while you were talking.”
“Sorry.”
“Disgusting. Why’s Relc interested in one anyways?”
“What do you want? Name it and I’ll fetch it for you.”
“Serves him right. But did you smell her?”
“What, really?”
“Oh come on. Please?”
“Anyways, Humans. Haven’t seen one in a long time. Did you see it? So fleshy.”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“Belsc—the guy on eastern gate duty—he didn’t say much other than that he thought it was a Human female. What was the name of the one you met?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“That’s her.”
“Here. Your food. Take it.”
“Now, now. Don’t be jealous.”
“Ow. Ow!”
“Um. Those sausages. How much do they cost?”
“What you see is what I have.”
“Fine.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“Search me. Maybe it’s just Relc. He’s weird.”
“Until later, Miss Erin.”
“I hear they roll around in their own filth.”
“Move it, Human.”
“So. You bought food, huh? Making lots of pasta tonight?”
“Yeah. Humans. They don’t wash.”
“Um. I—”
“Watch it, fleshbag.”
“Oh, um. I'm just looking.”
“It’s right there on the sign.”
“Well, if I’ve got enough, I’d like to buy a few of those. And some onions.”
“Um. I’m looking for a few things, actually. Uh, do you have any butter?”
“Out of the way, smooth skin.”
“It’s fine.”
“Thanks.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I’m—I’ll just look around if that’s okay.”
“You sure? I can carry it in—”
“I’m sure.”
“How many?”
“But I’d like some. Butter, that is.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Hi. Is this a food shop?”
“Right, right. But, uh, good to see you made it to the city. So how’d you like it?”
“Right. Thanks.”
“I can take the bag now.”
“Finally.”
“Ah. Ow.”
“Why do you think?”
“Ow.”
“It is.”
“Anything else?”
“And, uh, I’d like some oil too. Do you have another jar…?”
“Disgusting. Let’s go eat some meat.”
“Oh. Great.”
“So.”
“Okay.”
“Well, I could go back to the market and ask around. But—I don't suppose you caught the name of the store.”
“I can't read the language here.”
“Agreed.”
“So.”
“Not sure.”
“True.”
“Good, good.”