Quotes featuring Erin Solstice
945 quotes (733 spoken, 212 mentions)
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“Darn.”
“Curtains.”
“…What was that?”
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag...”
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“No good. I guess—”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“I’m really hungry.”
“Aha!”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“Drat.”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“Ow.”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“…I hate this world.”
“Did I just level up?”
“Got it. Message received.”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“Just a coincidence? An accident? I don’t know, and I didn’t get anything to latch onto. Whomever it is, they’re gone. I—I shall be watchful.”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“No. No!”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“Like hell it does!”
“Are those…trees?”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“I’m tired.”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“You…stupid tree!”
“At least, from strange young women appearing out of nowhere. She had to have been the subject of—of some chance. Maybe a [Gambler] or whatnot. Otherwise, I would be either dead or have been contacted by whomever it was. It cannot be Demons; they’re far too unsubtle. Who else? If it was the Quarass, I’d be dead. Djinni smell of magic. And that leaves…my kin, who wouldn’t do that.”
“…Am I going to die?”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“G-goblins?”
“Hahaha.”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“Well? Come on!”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“Huh.”
“Eat this!”
“I hate this world!”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Get back!”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“Boo!”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Ha. Haha.”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Weird.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“Feel sick.”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Huh.”
“Stupid Goblins.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“The stream!”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“Right, food.”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“Goblins.”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“It’s really hot.”
“Water!”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“Was that me?”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“…Bath time.”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“…Huh?”
“Still hurts.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“But I won.”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“…Ow.”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“Where—where was it?”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“It hurts.”
“W—wh—”
“…Sushi?”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Bandage.”
“And hey, I need food. So it's time to chop stuff up.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“Either way.”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“Here. Here…they’re everywhere.”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Damn it.”
“…It’s probably flour.”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“That’s butter.”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“Go to hell!”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“That’s not right.”
“No, nonono—”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“Not knives.”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“It’s gone.”
“What the—”
“Oh. Oh!”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“Is that…flour?”
“Wow. Magic.”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“Ow.”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Eggs?”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“Feels like it's worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“You. Get off.”
“That’s for all of you.”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“Dammit.”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“Hot!”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Skeleton? Goblins.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“At this rate, I'm going to start a collection.”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Blue juice?”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“What's that smell?”
“Ahh! Owowowowowow!”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“Shut up. Are you trying to scare her?”
“Good evening.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Miss?”
“Oh, so are you…lost? Or travelling maybe?”
“Do you mean to say you found a Dragon? Somewhere around this area? And you—survived the encounter. Unharmed?”
“So. Leveling. Classes.”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“What a lonely girl.”
“...Yeah, sorry.”
“It—sorry, it's a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“No, no I'm not. And how can I—I can't thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Yeah, I'd bet on it. I'm not sure why a Human would be out here anyways, let alone in that place.”
“Bastard.”
“That was my assessment.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t have to kill her.”
“I am sure it is.”
“What?”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I'll feed you two again if you want—”
“Hello? Miss? We’re not dangerous.”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“Food’s over there.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“Razorbeaks. Go on, Miss.”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“Inquiring into others' personal affairs is only a matter for the Guards while we're on duty. Respecting another's personal space is a principle of social interaction.”
“You are correct in at least one definition of the word. But speculation is pointless in any case. We investigated the smoke, and now we can make our report. She is not breaking the law since the inn was abandoned nearly ten years ago.”
“Is that wrong?”
“Like what?”
“Please, I mean no harm. But your hand. May I see it?”
“Thank you—ow!”
“Is she female? I could not tell with complete accuracy. She sounded so, but I have met few Humans in social settings.”
“I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really...really cool!”
“You sure? It doesn't feel like—”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“Thank you very much.”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“Sorry, but can we ask you a few questions about where you’re from? It’s pretty odd to find a Human out here, let alone in an abandoned place like this. Not that we mean to pry, it’s just that it’s kind of our job to ask these questions.”
“Um, I don’t know?”
“So...okay, let me think.”
“See? She gets it. Told you it was cool.”
“There is a fish in the rivers near here. It secretes a mucus that damages the area it touches. Such as in this case. I have seen several similar afflictions as a guardsman.”
“Right. Well, let's be going. Um, sorry about that, Miss. Here, let me just pay for the food...”
“Even if she was, who'd hide there? You'd have to be mad, or be a [Warrior] or [Survivor] to want to live by yourself. Plus, the plague! Do I look sick? Am I oozing?”
“She was not lying, at least not intentionally. But it is possible she was mistaken.”
“Pass.”
“Mm. It's not very interesting. They are very fleshy.”
“Hello, Miss. Sorry if we—”
“…Hi.”
“Good job not scaring her.”
“Hey, what did you just call—”
“Yeah, it's awesome.”
“You have? I mean, it's not an infection?”
“I insist. That blue drink is really good, by the way.”
“It was almost certainly safe as I and Watch Captain Zevara assured you repeatedly, Relc. Besides, that young woman's presence is proof enough. She would be dead within the day if the disease were still present.”
“Yeah. A Dragon? Really?”
“Would you have had me tell her the true value?”
“Ew.”
“Sorry, sorry, Miss. We’re not here to hurt you, I promise.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“Well, to begin with, may we inquire where you come from?”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with you staying here. Aside from dying, that is.”
“Excuse me? I’m not a Dragon, Miss Human. I’m just an incredible Drake in service to the City Watch. Me and my idiot partner were on patrol when we noticed the smoke. May we come in? I promise we won’t bite.”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“Dying?”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“So four levels in…? That’s too bad. But you’re young; leveling takes time after all.”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“Please, believe me. It will heal you.”
“Really? So that means—”
“What, this? It's nothing, it—”
“Please, do not be alarmed. This is treatable. Allow me.”
“Thanks.”
“I would gladly partake of nourishment if offered. However, we would not wish to deprive you of your meal.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“Why don’t you shut up and let me talk? Look, Miss Human. You’re probably not sick if you’re still walking around.”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Again, apologies. But could I trouble you to remove the bandage?”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“Well, we'll be off then. Good night to you.”
“What do you think? I bet she's some kind of runaway or a child that got separated from her clan. Do Humans have clans? Or is it all [Lords] and [Ladies]? Maybe she's not even from this continent.”
“Plus, we'd know if a Dragon lived around here. They're pretty obvious.”
“...Perhaps.”
“Deviant.”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“From what? Me?”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“Oh, I see, I see. That’s convenient. Did you earn them here?”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“Apologies. It is unwise to hug those with exoskeletons. Please, are you hurt?”
“I can. It’s the things on her chest.”
“Uh, don't apologize. Look, maybe I overreacted a bit. I'm not, uh, mad...”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
“Are you alright?”
“That is what I heard some small Humans saying once. But she's female. And young, correct?”
“Her being a runaway would be most likely. I find it hard to believe any Human would wander so far into the grasslands by accident, and she did not seem to be looking for directions. Her magical teleportation story is also possible, but why would she not have asked to be taken to the Mage's Guild? It is clearly a cover story.”
“So...scared Human female? Not a threat? Probably a traveller? Makes good pasta?”
“How are you going to explain that to the Captain, huh? That's supposed to be special-issue. We won't even get another shipment of that quality for months, probably! All the way from Pallass once the Blood Fields are frozen.”
“Shut up.”
“Good. Thanks?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“N-name?”
“We’re still cool, right?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“I am sure you would prefer that. But we are being paid to work, not to enjoy ourselves. Moreover, you are eating all of this Human’s dinner.”
“I will accept gladly. But for now I am full, and I believe it is time to be going. We would not wish to intrude upon your hospitality for too long.”
“Do you believe she is a lawbreaker or fearful for her life?”
“What about the Dragon? Do you think she made that up?”
“Agreed. And it is very restful. You should attempt it sometime.”
“Me? I don't like Humans. They're scaleless, hairy, and they smell funny. I mean, this one's nice, but I definitely wouldn't want to see what it looks like under those clothes.”
“This really is quite good. How’d you make this all the way out here?”
“It did.”
“Um, no. No.”
“Shut up. She just seems lonely, that’s all. Why else would a Human female want to hang out with a Drake and an overgrown bug?”
“Bet she didn't know. And her expression when we walked in—she's never seen a Drake or an Ant before in her life. Well, the Ant part makes sense.”
“It seems more likely that she was hallucinating. However...she may have run into a fire-breathing salamander. I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“No, no. It's for the best. Mind you, I think she figured it out.”
“—It's not that I'm not interested. I have an open mind! I wouldn't mind looking. If I was offered. They've got nothing on good scales, but I could get over the fleshiness. Maybe.”
“Not bad! Especially if you just got here a few days ago. Did the notification wake you up right as you were falling asleep? I hate that.”
“And you’re an [Innkeeper], right? Got any other classes?”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“Right, right. Let's tell the Captain and get some sleep. Or rather, I'll sleep and you do—whatever Ants do to sleep. Sitting-sleeping or whatever.”
“Sure, suuuure you were.”
“I did not believe a lesser one would be worth the risk. I shall make do with a replacement, and I will deduct the cost from my pay. Besides which, it was used to protect a civilian.”
“She was quite interesting in any case. It was pleasant talking to her.”
“Good evening, Miss Human. I was wondering if my colleague and I could take up a moment of your time—”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“Stupid thing.”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“They must be busy.”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“What—what was that?”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“No.”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“I leveled up again.”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“Maybe the poison is making the fruit like—wetter? Or it’s making the fruit weaker?”
“A pity. But I will have you provide me with sustenance nevertheless.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“Okay. How about…”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“Great. Thanks. Now, wanna go check on that Human? I hear—”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“This is unwise. Your insolence will only bring about more punishment.”
“Whoa.”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“Do not fret. The Human will not be going anywhere.”
“Oh really?”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I’ll break something.”
“You’re sweating.”
“I, uh, hope this is sufficient, good Mistress. I am of course willing to pay any dues to—to make amends, but I’m slightly low on coin at the moment.”
“Where are you going?”
“Shall we just say I accept your word? I wouldn’t dare question your authority on the subject, good Mistress, it’s just that—”
“And anyways, I didn’t see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting ‘abracadabra’. And there aren’t wizards where I—I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“It’s not mine. I just found it and somehow became an [Innkeeper] by cleaning up around here.”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“…Huh.”
“Hey, stop that!”
“You—you could tell it was an invisibility spell?”
“Well, if you have no further need of me…I did pay for my misdeeds, after all. Rather handsomely, I might add, given that no harm was actually done except to my person. So I won’t intrude any fu—”
“Poisonous?”
“Oh come on.”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“You truly didn’t? Well, well. A traveller who doesn’t know anything about where she is…teleportation spell? Amnesia magic?”
“Really? You just turned a corner and you were in a completely different place?”
“Indeed. That is quite often the case. However, you seem to have taken to it well. This area is inhospitable to most Humans.”
“What else could it be? I’ve played D&D.”
“Some people don’t like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“Come back here and I’ll feed you.”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“Fine. I suppose there’s no use attempting to impress anyone who actually has the rudiments of an education. But my question remains: what’s a young g—woman like you doing out here alone?”
“How’d you guess? Actually, you’re only half-right, but how’d you guess?”
“Yeah. It’s been fun and games ever since.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it’s so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“Me? Oh, I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“So. You’re gonna hurt me if I don’t give you food, huh?”
“How astute. She’s quite intelligent for an [Innkeeper].”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I’ve also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I’ve checked them.”
“I got lost.”
“You struck me? Me? How dare you! I will have you know I am a mage of great power, and I will not be—”
“Try that again and I’ll hit you harder.”
“Ahem. Well, I shall be going. I am—terribly sorry for all that. It was just, ah—a spell which I—desperate times make fools of us all. And clearly, not you. Which is why I shall depart and not trouble you again.”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn’t have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Well, eat this.”
“Lost? It takes quite some skill to wander this far into the Floodplains. Or are you a local? I very much doubt you are, though.”
“This. This is a pan.”
“Now look here, there’s no need for violence, Miss. I can see that you are no ordinary plebian fool but an extraordinary plebian. Believe me when I say that is a high compliment from a practitioner of the arcane such as I.”
“My apologies, good [Innkeeper], for all these misunderstandings. Please accept this recompense for your wasted time.”
“In fact, good Mistress, that is in point of reality—”
“I know what plebian means.”
“So. You’re paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I’m sure mages are really scary when they’re far away, but wands aren’t good at blocking frying…pots.”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“And I suppose if I don’t, you hit me with that pot, correct?”
“So, if I might inquire, what is a delicate flower of effervescence doing in such a locale?”
“This area is known as the Floodplains of Liscor. It’s because of a lovely natural phenomenon of the geography and—but you aren’t from here, if you don’t know about this area. But I would have guessed as much since you are Human. As far as I can tell.”
“I’m not. But I’ll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“Me?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Here.”
“If I say it’s a pan, it’s a pan. The important part is that I’ll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“Harshly put, good Mistress. But yes, I would like to make amends. Let us be quits with no further unpleasantness! Or violence. And I am sure this payment is quite acceptable, is it not?”
“Only on occasion. And I quite understand your irate feelings. However, since I believe all is settled, I shall just…”
“What are you talking about? I’m giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Look, it’s safe. I’ve eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you’ll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“Yes, well. I see you’ve established yourself quite nicely. This is—is quite a lovely establishment you’ve founded. Very quaint.”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you’ll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I’ll feed you. Try to scare me and I’ll hit you harder next time.”
“Yeah. It’s food.”
“…Want one?”
“Floodplains? What are you talking about?”
“And you’re an expert on [Teleportation] spells? I see.”
“No, no. I have no clue what kind of magic would be capable of that, if any. That sounds like a spell which—well, suffice it to say I know of only a few living mages who might even attempt such a feat. But if you were the target, it still makes no sense. Why would anyone waste such a powerful spell on someone as mundane as…as…”
“I see I’ve overstayed my welcome. Well, your meal was quite adequate, good Mistress. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude.”
“They grow that big? No; don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But you’re right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn’t feel like a spell, but…”
“Fascinating as in ‘I know what spell that was?’”
“Yes, you. I told you why I’m here. What’s a raggedy mage doing scaring people for food?”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I’ve met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn’t try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“You would not be so quick to judge if you knew more about the people you’re defending. Especially this city.”
“What do you want?”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“I would be only too happy to. But I fear I was quite parched, and if you would be so good…?”
“The term is mage, good Mistress.”
“Greetings, good Mistress. I was wondering if I could impose upon you—”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“Um. Very well. Are you open today?”
“Who?”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“Like dead bodies.”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“What? How come you remembered this idiot’s name and not mine?”
“Well, you’ve got the Skill for it, so it’ll be a breeze. And you can buy a hammer no problem. Just head down to the city, and you can get a good one for only a silver coin or two. Tell you what, if you’re ever in the area, I’ll help you get one at a discount.”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“Here?”
“Merely another branch of magic, good Mistress Erin. I note you don’t have the same aversion as a less-informed fool. Let me assure you—”
“Um, sorry.”
“My thanks.”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“And…you let him come back for breakfast?”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“Good morning everyone! Weird Ant behind me, friendly Human, and—oh.”
“Aren’t I the better-looking one here? What gives?”
“So, how’re you doing? Level up again?”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“Uh, no. No, sorry.”
“Okay. Here’s what I’m thinking. Me and my friend here will drag you out back, beat you with sticks or rocks for a while, and then drag you back to the city for a reward. Then we’ll give half to our lovely innkeeper here. Sound good?”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“Um. Uh…”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“Sorry. Again. But…you said rob? As in, that guy over there tried to rob you?”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“Don’t worry, miss. We’ll do the punching outside where you don’t have to see.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“That’s—”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“Do not be alarmed. I mean you no harm.”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“Can you?”
“If you would be so kind. Thank you, Miss Erin. It is Klbkch, but you may refer to me as Senior Guardsman if that is simpler.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Very true. Our absence was most lamentable. But allow us to perform our duty now. Incidentally, Mistress Solstice, the pasta was delicious.”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“Don’t worry, Miss. He’s no threat or we’d have taken him out when we first realized who he was. He looked more dangerous than he turned out to be. You see, both of us can tell if we’re in danger or the enemy is strong. This idiot couldn’t even use [Flash Step] properly!”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“So…?”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“Ooh, congratulations! Did you get a new skill?”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“Like who?”
“Ah. I see the good [Innkeeper] holds a grudge. Well, I’m not sure what she told you two, but I assure you, I have compensated her more than adequately for my…mistake. It’s nothing two soldiers need concern themselves with.”
“Oops. Sorry, did I scare you? I forgot normal people aren’t used to that. Don’t worry—I never miss when I throw.”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“Really?”
“Yes, yes. But we’ll just hit you and drag you back so Miss Erin doesn’t see anything nasty. But you’re in serious trouble now, Mister [Necromancer].”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“…You mean, you don’t know? By the way, things look smaller in the distance, Miss Solstice.”
“You multiplied. Can Humans do that?”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“Okay, that’s it. Close your eyes, Miss—”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“Sorry.”
“And you didn’t think to report him to anyone?”
“Y-yeah.”
“He’s not my friend.”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“So we’ve gotta go. Why? Are you worried he’ll attack you?”
“Alas, I did not anticipate an arrest, and my gear is signed out at the barracks. I am without manacles or spell-bind rope. We shall have to be attentive with its lack. Unless Miss Solstice has anything to bind him with?”
“I believe she is saying insults to our position are quite common.”
“No—no need, good Mistress Solstice. I am quite satisfied at the moment.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Why?”
“You’re still under arrest. I can hit you. It’s only because I’m being considerate of Miss Solstice here that I don’t. But I will. If you don’t shut up.”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“And necromancy.”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“Thank you for informing us of his class, Mistress Erin. Although he posed no threat to either Relc or I, he is far more dangerous than we had believed. I did not notice the illusion spell. I have grown inattentive, lax. Relc as well, but this is a critical failing on my part.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“A rogue [Necromancer] on the loose does nasty things. Even a low-level one can bring down villages if you give him enough dead bodies, and they level fast when that happens. Damn, I’m not going to be the one who let the next Az’kerash get away, Klb. We’re gonna have to hunt this guy down. If we can’t catch him today, I’ll have the Captain send out multiple patrols once we get back to the city. Erin, we have to go, but I think you’re safe if that guy didn’t do anything last time.”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“It’s not a rock. Why are you having a hard time believing me? Can’t you see the buildings?”
“…What tab?”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“No, I can’t.”
“Yeah. We've got to keep it on us at all times. Some guys wear it on their chests, but it can get ripped off. Besides...”
“Don’t be snippy. But it’s easy to spot. Look, you can even see it out the window here.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“Indeed. It is unfortunate we must leave so soon. Our apologies, Miss Solstice.”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“Don’t mind Klbkch. He’s ugly even for an ant. But you really can’t see the city from here?”
“No—no problem.”
“I do not believe she can, in point of fact.”
“Oh, sorry we forgot to pay. We’re in a hurry so—put it on our tab!”
“Men.”
“Please, please, good Mistress, let’s not be hasty!”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I’m barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“They will have patrols out around the city. They will scour the grasslands for me. Please, if you were to hide me, I would be sure to survive.”
“Are you—what’s—I’m good. Good.”
“Hey!”
“No!”
“She is correct. Without her testimony, we cannot submit a report regarding his attempted thefts.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“I don’t know how I can thank you, good M—Miss Erin. Please, accept my humblest—”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear you come in through the door.”
“Would you turn away an innocent—”
“No. Out.”
“No. Go.”
“That is well. Then, please stand clear. We will be going about our business, and I would not wish you hurt.”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal. There are laws, and you have to follow them. If this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you could get a permanent citation on your record.”
“Wait—what did she just say? Jurisdic—we don’t do that, do we, Klb? Buddy?”
“Out.”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“Innocent? You? You’re nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you’re getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you’d better be long gone from here. And if you don’t leave now, I’ll kick you out myself.”
“Please, I beg of you. Just one night. Just give me sanctuary, and I swear I will be gone upon the morrow. It is my death without your aid. Would you kill me? I ask you as a fellow Human. Please.”
“Stop that! Put the weapons away and get out.”
“Prove it.”
“…I believe I am incorrect. Relc, the Watch has no authority here. This is an independent inn, and the [Innkeeper] is allowed to deny our authority here.”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“Good job, I guess. But they’re still going to find you. You’re a criminal, and you’ve got nowhere to hide.”
“I am a man in desperate straits. You would do well not to underestimate what I am capable of.”
“No.”
“I—”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“What? Then let’s arrest her too!”
“Out.”
“Aren’t there some more blue fruits around here? Here? No…here? Yep. Nice and wrinkled. Lovely.”
“Antagonizing one of my power is unwise. If you have any sense, you will accede to my request. Or know the consequences.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“Gutting? Hey, that’s—”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“Then I’ll arrest him, and he’ll be executed tomorrow. Happy?”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“That would be inadvisable, Relc. We are off-duty, and Miss Solstice has stated her case. Executing a [Mage] of Wistram might also affect the Academy’s relationship with our city. Which the Council and Watch Captain would not be happy about.”
“Males.”
“And I’m out of ingredients.”
“Please, hear me out. Rest assured, I bear you no ill will for reporting my actions to the guard. I fully appreciate the severity of my crimes, however—”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“If I am caught, they will take me to the city. And there I will be judged and killed. This is a certainty, Mistress Erin.”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“I believe Senior Guardsman Relc does have just cause, Miss Erin Solstice. It is true that his personal sworn testimony would be called into question if you were to speak against him. [Detect Truth] spells would settle that matter, but Relc’s history of inappropriate conduct on-and-off-duty does not help his case.”
“So I’m in trouble.”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“Relc never said—”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“So it would appear.”
“I assure you I would be a quite convivial guest. And I wouldn’t ask for much. In fact, you may be interested to know I am proficient in multiple schools of spellcasting. While necromancy is a—passion of mine, I have extensively studied the elementalist, illusory, and enchanting schools of magic. My level is over twenty in the general [Mage] class. Even amongst my fellow students, you would be hard-pressed to find a spellcaster as widely capable as I am. I can aid in a number of functions that would improve your inn. And I have money.”
“Good.”
“Miss Solstice.”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there’s no reason for you to arrest him.”
“Then go. Now.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“And you’re telling me all this…why?”
“Now, now. Let’s not be hasty, good Mistress. I was merely saying—”
“Well—well too bad.”
“Please forgive my rudeness. Are you well? We doubled back and lingered, knowing the criminal may have only pretended to flee the area. Are you hurt or in need of assistance?”
“Ah, but what good innkeeper would deprive herself of such a magnificent guest?”
“In point of fact, I was wondering if I might persuade you to shelter and provide me with my basic necessities while in this moment of dire need. I can provide you with adequate recompense, I assure you—”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“Even if you’re in danger, I’m in danger if I hide you. I’m not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“What?”
“I can’t believe this. Are you defending him? Because he’s Human? Or do you not want the blood in here? In that case, I’ll take him out back and—”
“Can she?”
“Absolutely.”
“Do not mind him. You are within your rights to enforce law within this establishment as you choose. I apologize for the mess on both our behalves.”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“Are you serious? One word to our Watch Captain and she’ll send a patrol back to capture this idiot! And if we don’t arrest him, you have a [Necromancer] running around! You want us to let him go knowing his class?”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re all wrong, Klbkch.”
“Rubbery.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“Shoo!”
“…Hi.”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“Tribes and tribulations. Excuse me, Miss. Watch the blood. If that [Guardsman] asks…pretend you never saw me. I’ve got to get this to the [Butchers] before the Acid Flies are all over.”
“I’m sorry!”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“There.”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“Wow. That’s a big hill.”
“So, what do I need?”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“They lied to me.”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“What’s essential?”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Hm.”
“That’s a big wall.”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“I’ll just be going. Now.”
“Apologies, Miss. Was I in your way?”
“Yes? No?”
“Are you blind? Stay on the sidewalk! I nearly ran you over!”
“Sorry? Sorry? When this wheel runs over your foot, no healing potion in the world is going to get it back. Do you think I want that on my conscience?”
“Excuse me, Miss. Are you waiting in line for…?”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“Ah, hello? We can help you over here.”
“Oh, I see! No worries, Miss Human. You’re just in the wrong spot, but I can give you directions if you’d like.”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“…Miss? Excuse me, Miss?”
“Oh no. I’m, uh, an innkeeper. I guess. Or maybe a wanderer? Actually, I’m just new around here.”
“Well, I can’t leave the desk, but I can give you some directions. No wonder you were lost—you can’t read any of the signs, can you? Your people normally stick to the north; Esthelm’s as far as most get. What brings you out so far? Oh, and what are you looking for?”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“Right. Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“I don’t want Humans in here. You don’t belong.”
“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”
“Er…apologies, Miss Human. We don’t see many of your kind around here, yes? A [Trader], a traveller? No need to apologize. [Broader Shoulders] means only I can carry a deer back! Half of one, at any rate. If only I had a bag of holding large enough for an entire deer, eh? I wouldn’t make a Human help me lift one of these!”
“The…”
“Get out of the way, you idiot!”
“A Human? We haven’t seen one of them in…I wonder if another trade caravan’s getting here?”
“I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a delivery to run. Sidewalk! Use it!”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet…I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“Are you a traveller, Miss? Or maybe…an adventurer? Are you here to register?”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“Well, if it’s food and general supplies you’re looking for, try the market two streets down from here. To get to it, just take a left as you walk out of here and then turn right, and you’ll be there in no time. They’d also have some clothes there, but I’m not sure if they have any made for Humans. What kind of teleportation spell did that? You mean, people teleportation? Gone wrong? That would be a huge scandal. Anyways, the market will have everything you need.”
“Huh?”
“N-no?”
“You’re in my way. This is for adventurers.”
“I don’t like Humans. They smell. You smell like garbage. Like rancid oil and flames and things that turn my stomach. And Goblins and dust and mold.”
“Right. Well. I’m sorry about that.”
“S-sorry. I just didn’t see—”
“One side, Human! Stop blocking the way!”
“What, the Mage’s Guild? You can’t read, Miss Human? Right, you don’t read Drake script. Are you looking for the Mage’s Guild? Runner’s Guild? Adventurer’s Guild? An inn to stay in? Stables? The Watch, maybe? I’m Drassi.”
“Uh—I—just looking, thanks!”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“Sorry! We overheard, yes?”
“Good day, Miss. How can we help you today? Do you have a bounty or request to post? Or are you registering?”
“Oops, sorry. Uh, where am I?”
“Wow.”
“Oh, I’m really sorry. What was that you were saying?”
“An [Innkeeper], is it? Are you opening up a business here? Humans almost never move to Liscor. I’m Selys, by the way. I should have said so from the start. My apologies.”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“Do I look like a Wolf Beastkin?”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“Hold on, now. She’s just lost.”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“Begone.”
“You. You’re stinking up this place with dirt and filth. I can smell the things you’ve rolled in. You haven’t washed in—dead gods. I’m covered in Shield Spider guts and you smell worse! Take a bath before you come back here.”
“Can I get you anything? What are you looking for?”
“I…could help you find what you want. Krshia’s Silverfang Goods. Do you have anything you want or—?”
“Move it, Human.”
“Okay.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“Well, there are signs. I just can't read them.”
“Watch it, fleshbag.”
“Oh, um. I'm just looking.”
“No, I’ll just wander around and—look. Thank you.”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“Sorry. Sorry.”
“And, uh, I’d like some oil too. Do you have another jar…?”
“Typical Humans. Walking in here, stinking up the market, and insulting any non-Humans you find. You should be grateful the Guard doesn’t run you out of the city! First that damn [Necromancer] comes here, and now this smelly one that can’t even read.”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“If you’re done grubbing in the dirt, I have more customers to serve.”
“Magic. Either that or they're all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“Finally.”
“What do you want? Name it and I’ll fetch it for you.”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“I don’t have all day to play fetch for you, Human. Just tell me what you want to buy first.”
“Um. Those sausages. How much do they cost?”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“Human, I have a business to run and a store to manage! Either pay me my price or be gone. You won’t find a better offer in this market.”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“No. If Klbkch can do it, so can I. Anything that damn bug can do I can do better. But hey, what’s this about a Human? Is it that female one I was telling you about?”
“Yeah. He said she was really annoying. And she talked too much.”
“Still, she’s interesting. Erin, or whatever her name is. She makes a mean plate of pasta, let me tell you. And she’s tougher than she looks—I didn’t think any Human could survive out in the Floodplains that long. She’s funny too.”
“Dunno. She must’ve walked in while you were talking.”
“Right at the start. Did you see her expression? Relc’s not gonna have an easy time explaining that.”
“Disgusting. Why’s Relc interested in one anyways?”
“Hey! Miss Erin! Wait!”
“Ow. Ow!”
“It’s not often I get to rescue a damsel in distress. That’s what they call Human females, right? Damsels? Anyways, I saw you were in trouble, so I immediately rushed to help.”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“I can take the bag now.”
“Look, I’m still really sorry about before. I didn’t mean—well, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“I’m—I’ll just look around if that’s okay.”
“Hi. Is this a food shop?”
“No touching the food with your filthy hands unless you’re buying!”
“Oh, okay.”
“But I’d like some. Butter, that is.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“Okay. I’ll buy it all.”
“Hey Relc. I hear there’s a Human wandering around the city.”
“That’s her.”
“Hey, I’m telling the truth here. Little Miss Human isn’t that bad. You should meet her. But let me tell you, she can also be pretty annoying. Remember that [Necromancer] guy I told you me and Klbkch tracked down? She wouldn’t let us kill him even after he blasted us both with a few spells. Just kept saying that he wasn’t that bad.”
“Serves him right. But did you smell her?”
“Anyways, Humans. Haven’t seen one in a long time. Did you see it? So fleshy.”
“Ah. Ow.”
“Thanks.”
“Oh come on. Don’t be like that. I just—well, it was just me being careless, alright? Let’s talk. Please?”
“So.”
“But that’s what you think.”
“It’s fine.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“Where was that Human?”
“You, Human! If you're looking for a bargain, shop here!”
“Out of the way, smooth skin.”
“What does it look like, Human?”
“Don’t touch. You’ll stink it up with your Human smell.”
“Um. I’m looking for a few things, actually. Uh, do you have any butter?”
“Oh. Great.”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Well, if I’ve got enough, I’d like to buy a few of those. And some onions.”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“Belsc—the guy on eastern gate duty—he didn’t say much other than that he thought it was a Human female. What was the name of the one you met?”
“Humans. I don’t know why you’re interested in this one. It’s certainly not the smell, to hear Belsc talk.”
“Hey, Miss Human! Wait! I didn’t mean it!”
“So, how’s my favorite Human doing? Good? Bad? Um. I, uh, don’t suppose you heard what I was saying. It was just a joke, really. I didn’t mean…”
“Look. I’m very sorry, Miss Erin. Let me carry your bag. It must be quite heavy, and this way we can talk without one of us falling over.”
“No. I mean, there’s food in here, but that’s only a few silver coins at best. I’m sure you had more than that, right? How much did you spend?”
“Right, right. Well, if you remembered his face, I could find who sold you all that, but I doubt anyone’d bear witness against him. And there’s not much for me to go on. I mean, he sold you overpriced goods but it was your fault as well. No offense meant, Miss, but how’d you trade a gold coin for a sack or two of flour?”
“I’m sure.”
“It was nothing. They’re no threat to me or anyone with a few levels in any warrior class. But don’t worry about those pests. I said I’d make it up to you, didn’t I? I’ll do something about them.”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“Well, what are you seeking?”
“Um. Erin something. Sol? Solace? It was something like that. Erin Solace? Did he mention anything else about her?”
“How long was she here?”
“So. When did you spot her?”
“Look, I know I was sort of—okay, I was rude, but let’s talk. Hello? Are you listening?”
“Hello there, Miss Erin. Fancy meeting you here.”
“Fine.”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“Sorry.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“Got you bastards. You can’t run from Relc! Damn, I thought there were three of you? Whatever. If Erin doesn’t love this—now I need to find some wood. Damn. I should be having dinner!”
“Well, I could go back to the market and ask around. But—I don't suppose you caught the name of the store.”
“Until later, Miss Erin.”
“Two coppers per ear…nah. Stick. Stick. You’ve gotta put them on sticks and—you know what? She can figure out how she wants to mount them.”
“I can't read the language here.”
“Who the hell—oh. It’s you.”
“Sorry about that, Miss Erin. You see, I was just disposing of the Goblins. Call it me making up for yesterday. But now that they’re gone, the others should leave you alone, especially once I set these up around the inn. Uh, do you have any sticks? I need some sticks or something.”
“I didn’t kill them, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Is it checkmate or just check?”
“Oh Father who art in Heaven…”
“I truly hate this world.”
“——————? ——?”
“Good morning, Miss Human! It’s me, your favorite [Guardsman]! And how are you doing this fine morning?”
“I don’t want to kill you.”
“Checkmate.”
“If only it were dying.”
“It’s all just a game.”
“——————!”
“——!”
“Hey Erin, I’ve just taken care of your Goblin problem for you! Took all damn night, but that’s how much I wanted to apologize. See?”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“I’ll think. I’ll think for once about it.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“——? ——. ————!”