1.21

“I’ve never heard of video game characters dealing with this! How do you expect Lara Croft to climb mountains with a giant frickin’ diaper in her pants? I’d love to see Leia fighting stormtroopers on her cycle!”

“Bully me once, shame on you. Bully me twice—I get mean. And violent.”

“I hate you so much right now I can’t even explain.”

“Good day, Miss Solstice. What a coincidence running into you here.”

“Do I look like I’m in the mood to be bullied?”

“The menstrual cycle. You know, that time of the month when you donate blood. When Aunt Flo comes to town. Shark week. The Crimson Tide. Parting the Red Sea!”

“I can see that. But I would have known it anyways. Terbore might growl at you, but we all heard about how you killed that Goblin Chieftain by yourself. That was some story.”

“You’re lucky. Goblins are a real problem around here. I mean, sure, the lone Goblin isn’t that dangerous. But they’re one of the few monster species that can level. That’s why we send out Senior Guardsmen and post bounties on Goblins to keep their numbers down. Before we get a Goblin Chieftain with high levels. Or a Goblin Lord.”

“You know! Riding the cotton pony! It’s that thing ladies have! The waterfalls of hell! The blood baptism! The get-out-of-swim-class card! The proof of womanhood! The part of the month where blood comes out of your—”

“I believe there is a lovely tradition known as a 'tab.' Rest assured, I will make sufficient payment to you in time, good mistress. Although, I must say you could stand to improve the variety of your dishes. Pasta and soup are all very well, but I trust you do know there are other types of food in the world?”

“You could make other things, but there are a lot of good inns in the city. And we get recipes from the Human cities up north all the time. Even if you sold a new dish, someone would copy it the next night.”

“It is enjoyable. Some look forwards to it. It is a time to have sex and to bear children, and so we are happy when it comes to us. There are issues—monthly bleeding is not one of them.”

“Klbkch had to turn in the Goblin Chieftain’s head here. We all heard about how you killed it. That’s amazing, by the way—Klb says you don’t even have any levels in a fighting class. How’d you do it?”

“Chieftains? Yes, but we have to be careful. Most Bronze-rank teams can’t survive an encounter with a strong one. Silver-ranks have to take on tribes—and there are some that even Gold-rank teams can’t handle.”

“Shouting is good. Almost as good as howling, but we are forbidden to do that unless it is a full moon. But I am sorry. Gnolls do not have your periods, nor do we let our blood each month.”

“It’s not that they’re stronger than the Watch. Relc, Klbkch, even some of the regular Watch are probably better fighters than Chieftains on a technical level. It’s just that they’re Hobgoblins—tough. And strong. And when they call their tribe, well, the average group of adventurers would get wiped out against that mob.”

“I don’t want to be rude, Erin, but that’s not too impressive. All cooks and chefs have [Basic Cooking] as a skill. Some even have [Advanced Cooking].”

“See, that’s not too good. If you were in the city, I’d say you should get apprenticed to another [Innkeeper]until you’re at least Level 15. It might take a year or two, but then you’d have a few good skills to run your inn with. And I wouldn’t have an inn that far away from the city to begin with.”

“The blood. It is for mating, yes? We do have a similar time. All those who still are able to bear children, we go into a heat. It is called estrus, but it happens only once or twice a year. It is the time when we mate.”

“Dead gods, no. If we hear about one of those, we form a hunting party and try to get rid of it right away. A raiding party can wipe out a village in an hour if we don’t get to it in time.”

“I really didn’t mean to shout.”

“Please, God, if you’re there. Or the Buddha. I’ll pray to anyone. Just please don’t make me wear a diaper.”

“We Gnolls need no padding. And the Drake folk and Antinium, they need none either. Humans are rare here, so I would not think any padding you wish for exists in any store.”

“He gave you his Senior Guardsman’s healing potion? But that’s expensive. You must have been badly injured if Klbkch gave you his potion.”

“Um. I burned his face off.”

“That lying, pasta-eating, snake-ant jerk!”

“Your soup was most adequate. However, I would advise you to add more seasonings to combat the bland taste.”

“Oh, if it had been a Goblin raiding party, we’d have sent out the entire Watch to deal with them. I just don’t understand why a Chieftain would come after you. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I would not tease a young one like you when you stink of sweat and blood.”

“Thanks. I, uh, gotta go. See you later.”

“You stink of blood. I warned you last time—leave this place now.”

“That’s expensive. And gross. Sorry, Erin, but I’m not sure you’ll have enough money for that. Bandages are cheap, but you’ll be using a lot if what you say is true. Again. Gross.”

“I’ve stitched up more than a few adventurers right here. I can make a few of these pads quite quickly if you want me to. I’ve got the Skill [Fast Stitching], so it won’t take more than a few minutes.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m happy to help. But I’m afraid I could have warned you that innkeeping in that old inn isn’t a good idea.”

“I am right here, you know.”

“The Adventurer’s Guild. They have bandages. Many bandages. If you cannot stop this blood, they would be able to help more than I. And bandages are soft, yes?”

“Tell me about it. On bad days back home, I used to use a ton of pads each day before I switched to tampons. And let me tell you, that was a psychological shift as well.”

“I meant a paying, nice customer.”

“Sorry. It’s just—you can smell that? Seriously? No, don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know. Don’t Gnolls have periods too?”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“Apologies. It is shedding season. Why are you so concerned, Erin Solstice? And—have you cut yourself? Hrr. It’s not the same as a wound, though? Strange.”

“Oh, are you a [Mage] then? I saw a Human one in town the other day, but apparently he’s a troublemaker and a thief.”

“I am sorry for your plight. But I have no smooth cloths. But I do have these. These are wool; not finely woven, but strong. Would you like a few?”

“Very. He gave me a healing potion. Without that, I would have been a goner.”

“Not from so little blood, I think. But I have a thought.”

“Are you messing with me? Because if you are, I’m not in the mood for it.”

“Do you have any idea—no. Just please, please tell me there’s someone who sells what I need in the city.”

“It is. Here’s another pad.”

“Both, I’d say. It’s dangerous to come out that far—well, not too dangerous, but it’s a bit of a deterrent. Your being Human isn’t bad, but…”

“I’m just glad it was only a Goblin Chieftain. If the rest of the Goblins had come after me, I would have been dead.”

“Human. You still stink.”

“Pads. I want to buy pads. Or tampons, if you guys actually have those.”

“Well, doesn’t that make sense? If you’re going to make these pads dirty, why not rewash them rather than keep throwing them away like the ones you talk about.”

“Um. Uh, that’s—that’s actually a good idea. I heard they did that in developing countries but—okay. Okay, yeah. It’s gross, but yeah. How would I get one of those made?”

“So you guys kill Goblins all the time? What about Chieftains? Do you send adventurers after those guys?”

“No, no. I’m no mage. It’s just—I used a trick. And I nearly died. I bet Klbkch didn’t mention that.”

“Well, it’s important that the Watch carries them in case someone gets hurt. They’re not supposed to use them unless someone’s really hurt, though. Like…citizens. And the potions the Senior Guardsmen carry are even stronger. They can heal most big injuries in a moment. Unless you lose an arm or a body part, you’ll be fine in moments.”

“I know. Everyone keeps telling me that. But please, do you have bandages? Thin, soft fabric?”

“Well, back on the topic of pads…why not make a few that you can re-use more than once?”

“Well, I’ve heard Relc talking in bars. He says you make pasta. Is…is that all you sell?”

“I’m bleeding. I need pads. Cloth pads, now.”

“Humans have very strange bodies, yes?”

“Very. At least, the ones I know the Watch issues to Senior Guardsmen.”

“I’m going to need enough for a week, maybe. And I need to use the bandages to make a pad. You know, to cover the area. And I change pads every few hours sometimes, so…”

“Um. Yeah. I can make other things. I’ve got [Basic Cooking], but—what’s wrong?”

“Just in time for a new crisis.”

“Yeah. No one comes by. Is it because I’m Human? Or is it too far to walk?”

“Uh. No…no I have not. We don’t have many Goblins where I come from.”

“Are they—are they expensive? Those potions, I mean.”

“It is nothing.”

“So you really have blood coming from down there? And it happens every month?”

“We’ve got lots, just in case there’s an emergency. How much do you need?”

“Thanks. Sorry I can’t pay you more—it’s just that I don’t have much money from this innkeeping thing.”

“Oh. My. God. This is not okay!”

“What are these pads you speak of? Are they bandages?”

“It’s nothing. Really. I’ll start on this pad right away. How should it look?”

“Don’t mention it. And good luck with your innkeeping. I’m sorry I had to say it like that, but—”

“I understand this might be a bad moment, but I was wondering if you would be free later to play a game of—”

“Oh. And, uh, I guess pasta isn’t that interesting.”

“So you’re not sending adventurers out against a raiding party either, then?”

“A Goblin raid. Haven’t you heard of them?”

“He said you were wounded. Was it bad?”

“I’m not talking to you. Go away.”

“I’ll think about it tomorrow.”

“What good is owning an inn without customers?”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“No, you’re right. I’ll…do some thinking about it. But right now—”

“I—I’m going to die.”

“Out.”

“A Goblin what now?”

“Another night without customers.”

“Humans, eh?”

“Um. Sort of like this.”

“Well, what level are you? Ten? Twenty?”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Not now, Olesm.”

“That’s so weird.”

“What I wouldn't give for one customer.”

“Is it not fine?”

“So you don’t have anything like that?”

“Is it so bad?”

“Yes? Tell me. What’s your thought?”

“Oh. Someone told you about that?”

“Uh, where’s your bathroom?”

“Yes—yes they are.”

“Sorry. Where were we?”

“Does it hurt?”

“But…?”

“Hm. No.”

“Two days.”

“...Yes.”

“Lots.”

“Nasty.”

“Nine.”

“Rough.”

“Pads.”

“Yeah. They are good.”

“Yes, Erin Solstice?”

“Bleeding? Where?”

“Periods?”

“Why not?”

“Why not?”

“No?”

“What?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Oh yes.”