1.24

“I’ve heard stories of the Goblin Crusades. And witnessed one myself. The last time one occurred, multiple armies of Goblins rampaged throughout the north and sailed across to the Human continent, Terandria. There were at least a hundred thousand Goblins in each army, and their King had a million Goblins at his back when we pushed his forces out of the south. The Bloodfields.”

“How about baking powder? Everyone has baking powder!”

“Has no one here heard of Murphy’s Law?”

“This city. Liscor. It’s home to a bunch of Antinium—not the violent kind, the peaceful ones. But they live here, so that makes it a Hive. One of six in the world. The Black Tide, the Antinium from Rhir—we are the only city that allowed a Hive to be created. Because they helped fight off the Necromancer. ‘sprobably why no one wants to visit anymore. But hey, it makes us special. And the Ants do help a bit. Right, Klbkch?”

“Can I at least have a drink? Blue fruit juice?”

“No one kills them. You think the Hives would be allowed anywhere else? All five of the other ones are in the Hivelands, and we’d be at war with them if the Walled Cities thought they’d win. This is the only city where Drakes, Gnolls, and Antinium mix. It’s probably why we’re not in the middle of a third Antinium War. To everyone else, they’re the monsters who should be destroyed.”

“Stupid worlds that don’t have ice cream. Stupid Gnolls who act nice and look at me like I’m insane. How does anyone live without ice cream and cookies?”

“I believe the Necromancer did not help public perception, but the undead have always been considered a threat, Miss Solstice. It is said that the three most dangerous things to Liscor are rain, the undead, and war.”

“Hah! Even if all the northern and southern cities burn, Liscor will never fall!”

“Bastard. The north got him in the end. But it felt like you couldn’t see anything but smoke everywhere you looked. I heard the north was ash in some parts of it. They nearly took First Landing.”

“Bah. They’re the real threats. War? Huh. We don’t fear war. Our army fights in wars—far south of here! They send back loot, but no one attacks Liscor! We’re too far, and the Bloodfields are in the way.”

“Are you talking about cow leavings, Erin Solstice?”

“Isn’t that what being an innkeeper is all about? Besides, I deal with Pisces. Come on. Bring a few of your friends, and I’ll serve you Acid Flies until you explode.”

“Exactly my point. If a stranger to our city can identify the weak spot so quickly, why is the populace so resistant to any suggestions regarding defense?”

“Exactly. Any army that runs up against ours knows that if things get serious, they’ll bleed for every soldier they bring down. That’s why we can earn so much money fighting abroad.”

“Right, oh yeah. It’s terrible news! Guess what? Some idiot found a bunch of ruins to the northeast of the city, and it’s apparently some ancient dungeon! Now, every adventurer in miles is coming here to explore it!”

“The strain of madness has not been eliminated from the current generation. We have reduced the average instance of insanity by 14% per year, but we must remain vigilant.”

“How do you—this world doesn’t have cookies? How is that fair? How!?”

“Oh, the Ants are great. They’re quiet, they don’t get drunk, and they’re about as interesting as wood—until one of them goes crazy.”

“Oh come on! You don’t know about…? Even if you’re foreign, the Bloodfields are famous! It used to be a battlefield. Well, it still is. Lots of armies fight there, and so much blood has been spilled that the entire place has changed. The entire area is full of Blood Grass. Very nasty. Drinks blood and eats people if they’re not careful. I fought there twice.”

“Wonderful. I bet everyone comes here to see all the monsters who want to suck your face off.”

“The north is still relatively unguarded. If the Humans were to unite under the Five Families—”

“The Liscorian army is famous. Don’t you know? We fight battles for other cities, and they pay us to kick our enemies to shreds. We field two thousand Drakes and a few hundred Gnolls at any given moment with officer classes. Those are just the officers. Now, we don’t have that many soldiers per officer—sometimes as low as two, but that’s Liscor strategy. When there’s a big battle coming, it’s as many as eighteen per officer. Now, I know that sounds like a small army to you, but their average Level is 17. How about that, then?”

“They seem pretty good to me. Although Klbkch is the only one I’ve ever met. But he doesn’t cause trouble or call Humans names or do anything bad. Unlike certain Drakes I could name.”

“Good? It’s great! The average level of soldiers in other armies is Level 8. Eight. They have low-level [Conscripts] or [Militia] who don’t see battles. Ours are veterans. Get it?”

“Nah. They’re almost always out on some campaign. The Liscorian army fights wherever. I think they were in the east, fighting near one of the Walled Cities. Oteslia, probably. They’re easy to siege.”

“Like I said, Liscor’s got a lot of natural defenses. Besides, what army in their right minds would want to attack the one city with an Antinium Hive?”

“Who knows? They’re Humans. We have an okay relationship with them. They don’t come over here and stomp on our tails, and we don’t eat them.”

“Is that a bad thing? I thought finding old ruins and exploring them is what adventurers do. It’s what happens in all the games I, uh—well, it’s what adventurers do, right? Doesn’t Liscor have an Adventurer’s Guild?”

“It is…surprising. I had not known the Acid Flies of this region were so…tasty. Until this moment, I had never attempted to consume one.”

“That is not entirely correct. Levels cannot replace tactics or numerical superiority, or equipment, for that matter. However, it is still a potent deterrent to larger forces. That allows the Liscorian army to fight as a mercenary force without prolonged engagements.”

“What is this powder supposed to bake, Erin Solstice?”

“That weakling mage? No. I mean the bad Necromancer that nearly destroyed the city about ten years ago. Is the food ready yet?”

“That is true. Most residents of Liscor do not fear war. I personally deem this unwise given the volatile nature of conflict between nations on this continent.”

“—The certainty of Drakes in the impregnability of Liscor seems unwise. My people have brought up the need for increased vigilance to your governing body, but—”

“Anyways, the bottom line is that the Ants defend the city if we’re ever attacked and help out with construction and other jobs. They send some of their people to work in jobs, like Klbkch here. And in return, we let them stay.”

“Yeah, but they don’t have many members. Not many idiots in our city bother becoming adventurers since there’s not much to do around here. If you want to fight, you join the army or the Watch. It’s Humans who are the stupid—um…uh…”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen you eat like that, Klb! You’re eating like one of those pigs! Or a Gnoll!”

“Very. But hey, if I’m the only one who can catch these suckers, I can actually attract some customers! Klbkch, would you mind telling some of your friends about my inn? I’d love to have some more business.”

“Yeah. Why not? If you liked the flies so much, I’m sure your friends would love them too. I’ve got a good system for harvesting them too—make them explode before you start carrying the glass jars around.”

“Extremely. Although Goblins are considered a minor threat by most settlements of any size, when they do appear in numbers, they are fully capable of wiping out villages, cities, and even nations in the past.”

“Exactly! It’s a pain in the tail, and we’re busy enough as it is. Now’s usually the time when we hire new recruits, so we’re going to be understaffed and working overtime.”

“What’s the problem with the Watch, huh? You’re part of it. You know we can take care of any monsters that appear. And if an army does come here, so what? There’s only two ways into this valley. North and south. The mountains are practically impassable, and the Bloodfields guard the southern border. Even if an army comes through, the Floodplains will cut off any chance of siege. What don’t you get about that?”

“Despite their competency, a Goblin tribe is no threat to any but lone stragglers, Miss Solstice. On the other hand, a small raiding party is usually comprised of at least three hundred Goblins. Larger groups have been known to exceed a thousand individuals.”

“Another serving, if you please, Miss Solstice. It is true such sites bring increased commerce to our city, but the negative effects of so many adventurers cannot be discounted.”

“Cookies. You know? Small, round, brown things?”

“My kind is fully capable of digesting most dishes eaten by humanoids. However, it is true that if offered we will eat creatures Humans and Drakes deem unsavory. We do not tend to consume such meals in public—”

“Well, that’s the thing. No one knows what’s in those ruins. It could be nothing, but it also could be a ton of magical artifacts and treasure. It’s that big of a dungeon, apparently. Most ruins, well, they’re already explored or too dangerous to dive further into. A new spot like this is going to bring hundreds of idiots into Liscor, and guess who gets to watch them to make sure they don’t cause trouble?”

“Greetings, Miss Solstice. Is something wrong?”

“It is quite true, Miss Solstice.”

“We used to get a lot of travel down south. But that all stopped when the damn Necromancer appeared.”

“Naturally, the influx of adventuring parties leads to more trouble. However, it will also bring in needed trade and many merchants who seek to do business. Thus, while guardsmen such as Relc and myself find the situation hard to manage, the city is far more positive about these findings. Also, may I trouble you for another plate?”

“My fellow…Workers are not as used to dealing with other species as I. It would be imprudent to bother you with their presence.”

“Adventurers. I hate them so much.”

“Look, if there’s a raiding party out there, we need to take care of it. I can ignore a few Goblins, but a few hundred of them roaming around? That’s a threat.”

“How about a group of Goblins that can kill a giant rock-crab-thing in seconds?”

“I had no idea it would be such a huge hit. It almost makes everything I had to do to get these buggers worth it. Almost.”

“That’s just the local tribe. Forty Goblins? Please. I could take out half of them without breaking a sweat. Between me and Klbkch, we could kill all of them—”

“We have a standing contract with the people of Liscor. In exchange for our presence, we provide services and goods to the city. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“Do you mean for me to bring others of my kind, Miss Solstice?”

“Ooh, nice and crunchy! I didn’t know you could eat these things. How’d you manage to get rid of all the acid?”

“Yeah, and they cause trouble. They pick fights when they’re drunk, they run away from tough monsters, and they’re rude to guardsmen.”

“What, are they throwing rocks at you again? If you want, I could—um, scare them. But Goblins? Seriously? After you killed their Chieftain, what’s there to worry about?”

“Yeah, like Klbkch said, a Goblin tribe isn’t dangerous. Maybe to you—but you killed their Chieftain, so I doubt they’d be brave enough to attack this place. Besides, if you lock the doors and windows, they’ll have a hard time getting in. But when Goblins start appearing in numbers? That’s when things get nasty.”

“Oh. Um, uh, like I was saying to Klbkch, Liscor would never fall! Even if an army did attack from the north, we could just recall our army. Unless they could breach our walls in a week or less, the army would come running right back and smash them. See?”

“Okay, but I’m still mad about the pasta thing. So tell me—and I hope to god this is true or I’ll be really upset. Tell me, do the Antinium eat bugs or worms or stuff like that?”

“And what are these ‘cookies’?”

“I can see war, but why rain and the undead?”

“Not as much as this guy, but I wouldn’t mind trying some. I’ve eaten worse on campaign.”

“You don’t like adventurers, is that what I’m hearing? Why? Don’t they kill monsters?”

“Don’t worry. It’s not the right season for them. You’ll see a lot more wildlife around here when the new year begins. This is the quietest time of the year, actually. Once the rains start, you’ll see a ton of weird creatures, and then when it stops, all the animals that travel come here to graze. And in the winter, it gets really dangerous. There’s these things called Winter Sprites, which are a pain in the tail…”

“These are—well, they’re these flying acid bugs that I found. I wasn’t sure if you’d want it, Klbkch, but I thought it was worth a try and—”

“A creature that lives in the sea, I believe. The name is quite apt.”

“Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“What else? Um. What about Shield Spiders? They’re probably hiding in their tunnels right now, but they’re still around…watch where you step or you’ll fall into a nest.”

“Hey, if they’re like you, I wouldn’t mind it. And if they don’t want to talk to me, I can just serve them more flies.”

“That’s not a raiding party. That’s an army.”

“A what? An Antinium Hive? Is that unique?”

“Not to me or Klbkch. Just don’t walk into them, and you should be fine. Most people can outrun a tribe unless they get trapped anyways.”

“Oh, that. Is that what you Humans call it? We just call them Hollowstone Deceivers. What’s a crab?”

“That is appropriate for the season. At this time of the year, the Floodplains contain few creatures besides the Goblins. Aside from grazing herds, most animals—”

“I know not what that is. I have many things which can be baked, but none of this ‘soda.’”

“That doesn’t sound too fair. What’s in it for the Antinium?”

“Not yet. So that’s why you guys hate the undead?”

“I am not sure that would be too…wise.”

“Okay, so this is big news. But why are they all coming here? Are these ruins that amazing?”

“Well, if you like it so much, I guess I’m in business!”

“Yeah, it was weird having the Antinium around, but it turned out to be a good idea.”

“Not if you’re a Goblin.”

“Delicious. They’re great if you eat them half-raw. Speaking of which, got any food?”

“Dinner will just be a few minutes while I warm everything up on the embers. Uh, what other creatures haven’t I seen yet?”

“So your army goes out and fights for money? Isn’t that dangerous if someone attacks here?”

“You can talk about the crazy Ants later. But right now…food?”

“I assure you, soup is completely palatable to my kind.”

“I fear you were under a slight misapprehension, Miss Solstice.”

“They are usually confined in villages to the north of Liscor. The city hosts many pigs, sheep, horses—”

“I would not like to offend your sensibilities with a description of my diet, Miss Solstice—”

“It’s a long story. It involves blood and—actually, I’d rather hear your news. What is it?”

“A raiding party, she says! Hah!”

“I just refilled that. You really like those flies, don’t you?”

“Exactly how many Goblins were in this group you observed, Miss Solstice?”

“Oh, we’ve got a lot more freaky monsters living around here. Way more dangerous. They’re just all sleeping or somewhere else this time of year.”

“And? Um, what do the Human cities do?”

“I would like a bowl of soup too, if it would not trouble you, Miss Solstice.”

“Wait a minute. Is soup another one of those things Antinium can’t eat?”

“It was the scariest thing I’ve seen. Some kind of raiding party swarmed over the crab and—”

“No, no! There’s way too many of them. Besides, I don’t want you to kill them! That would be—”

“You know, that giant thing that hides under a rock? It goes clickclickclickclick—”

“I haven’t seen any of these other monsters. Just the dinosaur birds.”

“Oh, you know. Not dying.”

“So are they here? In the city, I mean?”

“Ooh, is that soup? And bread? And pasta! That’s a lot of food!”

“I would not want to put you to any inconvenience.”

“But they killed a Rock Crab!”

“There are Humans around here? Where?”

“So the, uh, Liscorian army is twice as strong as other armies?”

“Sorry it took so long. I wanted to tell you guys about the Goblins, so I forgot to heat stuff up.”

“No problem, no problem. Just put it here and all is forgiven. And oh yeah, we’ve got news too!”

“Oh, of course. Just a second.”

“Where, and how many? Come on, Klbkch. We can head them off—”

“Necromancer? You mean Pisces?”

“Not more than forty, I guess.”

“Yeah, well, I was celebrating earlier. I cooked up a lot by accident.”

“Offend away, by all means.”

“It is a troublesome predicament.”

“Then…the Goblin tribe isn’t that dangerous?”

“Um, can I have a bowl too, Erin?”

“Is your army really that great?”

“’S good! Good to celebrath!”

“Whatever. It’s not that tough.”

“Herds? You guys have herds?”

“…How about ice cream?”

“What? Fourteen…what? Can you explain that bit to me?”

“Just what’s so funny?”

“Not that we would.”

“To the north. Duh.”

“Right, no problem! Just wait here!”

“You want some? Oh, uh, do lizards—”

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

“Bloodfields? What’s that?”

“—Drakes like bugs?”

“Get out.”

“Or underground.”

“A raiding party?”

“Celebrathing? Celebrathing whu?”

“Was it difficult?”

“Human cities?”

“Yeah, or that.”

“Thank you, Miss Solstice.”

“Baking soda.”

“Goblins.”

“Looksh good.”

“Cookies.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Why not?”

“How nasty?”

“It’s not?”

“Whath tha?”

“You?”

“Goblins?”

“Um. It’s good?”

“Oh, fine.”

“What’s that?”

“What is this ice—”

“No!”

“Well—”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh.”