1.22

“I guess.”

“You know, if you actually helped people and were a bit nicer, I think you’d actually be fun to hang around with. Why are you so rude to everyone?”

“Thus far, I haven’t found any people worthy of my assistance. Why should I help those who judge me in ignorance and fear?”

“Oh no. No. This is not right.”

“Perfect.”

“So. Apparently Acid Flies like blood. Right. And does that mean I have to worry about them landing on me when I sleep?”

“Four legs. I knew I wasn’t dreaming that up.”

“And now I have a jar full of these deadly little critters. What do I do now?”

“I should feel bad about that. I really should.”

“One jar for bugs, one jar for deadly acid. Perfect.”

“Acid. Does it melt glass? It doesn’t look like it’s melting, but will I wake up with a hole in my floor?”

“Right. But in chemistry class, we used glass.”

“Okay. Done. Now what?”

“Time for cleanup.”

“I hate all bugs. Except for Klbkch. No, actually, I hate him too. At least flies don’t lie to my face.”

“Who knew I’d be grateful to be covered in sawdust and sweat rather than blood?”

“Bath time.”

“Hm.”

“Oh wow. That’s gross.”

“Take this! And that!”

“Well, of course that would happen.”

“I can do this. Think of the money. Think of the food. Think of the inn. Don’t think of the fish.”

“Okay, [Basic Crafting], activate!”

“Acid Fly trap, complete!”

“Let’s see how you like this, you little jerks.”

“You have a talent for finding the most dangerous things, don’t you?”

“Aren’t they gross? But look—the jars are almost half full, and it’s not even been more than two hours.”

“How fascinating.”

“I imagine…I imagine if all four containers were to rupture, the swarm of these insects could very well engulf us and melt our flesh within moments.”

“What a lovely image.”

“Yes. Yes, I imagine it will fill my dreams tonight.”

“They can’t get out of the jars. They’re not that smart. They wriggle in, but the lid keeps them from exiting. I did the same thing with fruit flies back where I lived. Well, I lined the edges with sticky tape, but this seems to work because these guys are even dumber than fruit flies.”

“I applaud your ingenuity. But may I ask why you decided to capture a swarm of deadly insects that prey on dead matter?”

“Well, they’re bugs. I bet Klbkch would love to eat them.”

“It’s your funeral if you want to attempt to cook them. May I advise removing the acid before you serve them to your guests?”

“I don’t get how they can survive anyways, if they explode so much. I mean, how would they even live long enough to reproduce?”

“By having few predators insane enough to risk consuming them. That, and the fact that they are nearly limitless in number.”

“Ah.”

“These are only the males of the species, in any case. The females are—substantially—larger. In fact, the sole purpose of the male is to gather as much food as possible. He will dissolve and absorb as much nutrition into his lower abdomen before returning to a female in hopes of winning her favor. They all do it.”

“Oh, sort of like how bees and ants both have queens, right? All the workers feeding the big leader?”

“What?”

“I was unaware you were so familiar with the biology of insects, that’s all.”

“Oh, I know tons of weird animal facts. When I was a kid, I watched Discovery Chann—I mean, I read lots of books.”

“You can read?”

“Of course I can read. I can also play chess, and I read poetry. Sometimes.”

“You can play chess?”

“Oh yeah. I play chess. A tiny bit. You could say it’s a hobby of mine.”

“Really? As it happens, I was considered one of the better players in the northern cities. Would you care for a game? Perhaps with a wager or two on the side?”

“Perhaps if I—”

“Nope. And even if you try to take the pawn, it’s still checkmate.”

“I cannot fathom it. I was—am one of the best players on the continent! I have outplayed [Tacticians] and other mages of similar caliber and skill. How could you defeat me?”

“Amateurs are still amateurs. By the way, I’ll put the money you bet me on your tab.”

“Ah. That. Clearly, I made a miscalculation. Would you care to waive my debts if I—”

“No. You bet, and I won. No arguing. Eat your eggs.”

“I must admit, this is better fare than your unfortunate soup of yesterday.”

“What do you do all day, anyways?”

“I study the mystical realms of the transmundane. To unlock the secrets of the ether and command over supernatural forces, I—”

“You study.”

“Pretty much.”

“Do you need to study that much? I mean, don’t you know spells?”

“For all my magical proficiency, I cannot cast more than a few magics beyond the fourth tier in any field, and I am relegated to first and second-tier magics in most fields outside of my specialization.”

“Oh. Um. Magic has tiers?”

“Indeed. Seven or eight to be exact. There is a speculative ninth tier of magic, but no [Mage] has ever cast or discovered a spell of such magic that I have read of in any history book. Well, Tier 7 spells are a thing of myth in the modern era. In any case, to cast such spells, [Mages] such as I require concentration, time, and effort to unravel the workings of each new incantation.”

“Right. So you study to cast better spells. And I guess that makes you level up as well?”

“Obviously. It is a taxing affair, especially given that menial affairs such as lodging and sustenance must be taken care of while one attempts to study.”

“Almost makes you wish you had a job, huh?”

“Until recently, I had a quite profitable side business liberating unneeded supplies from the locals in exchange for entertainment. But now, I abstain from such activities to stay within your good graces.”

“Yeah, and because Relc threatened to stab you if you kept doing it. That’s not really a good career path, you know.”

“I also had a far more lucrative occupation liberating unneeded items from those who were in no position to use them, but apparently, that is considered a grave violation of privacy as well.”

“You rob the dead?”

“I reburied them afterwards.”

“Why don’t you do something actually useful instead?”

“And what would I do that is so useful?”

“I dunno. What do mages do for a living? Blow up stuff with fireballs? Dispense sage advice? Sell their beards? I found a bunch of magic runes in the kitchen. They kept food fresh for—I dunno, years.”

“Ah. A [Preservation] spell, no doubt. Yes, that is certainly a service some [Mages] skilled in runecraft can provide for plebians.”

“…And? Can you do that?”

“I cannot.”

“Darn.”

“I am sorry to betray your high expectations of me, but I fear even a mage of my caliber cannot study every school of the higher arts.”

“I never had high hopes for you in the first place. I just think it’s too bad, that’s all. You know magic, and you don’t do anything with it.”

“Some would say magic is its own reward. I would.”

“Because you’re a better person than they are.”

“Oh man. Oh wow. That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Not okay. Not okay.”

“That’s better.”

“Oof. That’s heavy.”

“Gotta be all the acid in their backsides. Okay. This could take a while.”

“I—”

“[Gust]!”

“Duck, Erin!”

“[Frozen Wind].”

“That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“It—that was a beginner’s spell. Not suitable for most combat and downplayed by my instructors. However, it was the best tool for the moment. All magic is worth using, after all.”

“Right.”

“You saved me. It was incredible, that spell.”

“I am—I am a [Mage] of Wistram Academy. As a talented practitioner of the wind elementalist field of magic along with other spells in a generalist’s repertoire, of course such displays are second—second—”

“You were lucky I happened to be here. Very lucky.”

“I was. I really was.”

“If you insist on using such traps, might I suggest you anchor them in the stream?”

“The stream? Why?”

“Several reasons.”

“Firstly, the natural buoyancy of the water would prevent the breakage of glass if the jars were dropped, or at least mitigate the danger of the Acid Flies. Secondly, the effects of wind and other native life would also be mitigated. And thirdly, I would not be at risk of tripping over such traps.”

“Right. I can do that.”

“Well.”

“Good thing you came along.”

“May I ask—what is it you plan to do now, Erin?”

“I’m going to take these jars back to the inn. You’re coming with me in case I drop one. And then…”

“And then?”

“And then I’m going to feed you until you explode like one of the flies.”

“An apt description.”

“Hold on, I think there’s one left.”

“What will you do with them?”

“I’ll separate the flies and the acid. I don’t know what I’ll do with the acid.”

“If you dispose of it, please do so with utmost care. While the acid of these insects cannot eat through metal or many conventional materials, it is extremely quick to dissolve any organic material.”

“Right. Um. Want another piece of bread? Or would you like some more juice?”

“You have been most kind.”

“Most kind. But the night is old, and I believe I shall retire.”

“Are you sure? I could get you a bag of food to go.”

“You are very considerate, but no. No. I will be off. Thank you for your hospitality.”

“It was nothing. Let me get the door for you—there. Careful on your way out.”

“…I wonder if you can make fly cookies?”