Emending...
Emending...
998 quotes (998 spoken, 0 mentions)
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“Aha!”
“I’m really hungry.”
“Drat.”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“No good. I guess—”
“Don’t be stupid. How would a Dragon fit up there? But Goblins?”
“Darn.”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Curtains.”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“…What was that?”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“Okay, okay.”
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“Did I just level up?”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“Got it. Message received.”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“Ow.”
“Are those…trees?”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“You…stupid tree!”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“…I hate this world.”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“No. No!”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Like hell it does!”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“I’m tired.”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“…Am I going to die?”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“Huh.”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Get back!”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“Ha. Haha.”
“Boo!”
“Hahaha.”
“Eat this!”
“G-goblins?”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“Well? Come on!”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“I hate this world!”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“Weird.”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“Huh.”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“Goblins.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“The stream!”
“Feel sick.”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“It’s really hot.”
“Where—where was it?”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“Was that me?”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“But I won.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Water!”
“…Bath time.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“W—wh—”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Bandage.”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“It hurts.”
“Still hurts.”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“…Huh?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“And hey, I need food. So it’s time to chop stuff up.”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Stupid Goblins.”
“…Sushi?”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“…Ow.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“Right, food.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“Damn it.”
“What the—”
“That’s butter.”
“That’s not right.”
“...It’s probably flour.”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Here. Here…they’re everywhere.”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“Wow. Magic.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Is that...flour?”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“No, nonono—”
“Not knives.”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“Go to hell!”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“It’s gone.”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Either way.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“You. Get off.”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“At this rate, I’m going to start a collection.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Dammit.”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“Ow.”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“Eggs?”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“Blue juice?”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“What’s that smell?”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Ow.”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“Skeleton? Goblins.”
“That’s for all of you.”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Hot!”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“Feels like it’s worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“…Hi.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“…Hi.”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Food’s over there.”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“From what? Me?”
“Dying?”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“It did.”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“Good. Thanks?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“Um, no. No.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“N-name?”
“Really? So that means—”
“Is that wrong?”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“So…okay, let me think.”
“Like what?”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really…really cool!”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“No, no I’m not. And how can I—I can’t thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I’ll feed you two again if you want—”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“Thank you—ow!”
“You have? I mean, it’s not an infection?”
“What?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“It—sorry, it’s a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“You sure? It doesn’t feel like—”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“So. Leveling. Classes.”
“Yeah, it’s awesome.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“What, this? It’s nothing, it—”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“Stupid thing.”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“I leveled up again.”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“Whoa.”
“What—what was that?”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“No.”
“Okay. How about…”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“They must be busy.”
“Klbkch and…Drake Guy.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“Here?”
“Who?”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“You don’t have wizards or sorcerers or…warlocks? Witches? You’re all just mages?”
“Like dead bodies.”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“Um, sorry.”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“So, um, hi again. It’s been a while. Klb…Klbkch and…?”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“Like who?”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Y-yeah.”
“Uh, no. No, sorry.”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Really?”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“He’s not my friend.”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“That’s—”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“Why?”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“…What tab?”
“No—no problem.”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“Can you?”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“And necromancy.”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“What do you want?”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“So…?”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear you come in through the door.”
“And I’m out of ingredients.”
“Men.”
“Good job, I guess. But they’re still going to find you. You’re a criminal, and you’ve got nowhere to hide.”
“And you’re telling me all this…why?”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I’m barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“Good.”
“Relc never said—”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“Even if you’re in danger, I’m in danger if I hide you. I’m not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“No. Go.”
“I—”
“Well—well too bad.”
“What?”
“Gutting? Hey, that’s—”
“Stop that! Put the weapons away and get out.”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“Hey!”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“No!”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then go. Now.”
“Prove it.”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there’s no reason for you to arrest him.”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“Males.”
“Out.”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“No. Out.”
“Are you—what’s—I’m good. Good.”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal. There are laws, and you have to follow them. If this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you could get a permanent citation on your record.”
“Aren’t there some more blue fruits around here? Here? No…here? Yep. Nice and wrinkled. Lovely.”
“No.”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“Out.”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re all wrong, Klbkch.”
“So I’m in trouble.”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“Innocent? You? You’re nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you’re getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you’d better be long gone from here. And if you don’t leave now, I’ll kick you out myself.”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“Rubbery.”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“So, what do I need?”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“What’s essential?”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“They lied to me.”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”
“That’s a big wall.”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“Shoo!”
“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“Yes? No?”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“…Hi.”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“The…”
“I’ll just be going. Now.”
“I’m sorry!”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet… I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“Uh—I—just looking, thanks!”
“S-sorry. I just didn’t see—”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“Wow.”
“Oops, sorry. Uh, where am I?”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“Oh, I’m really sorry. What was that you were saying?”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“Right. Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“N-no?”
“Right. Well. I’m sorry about that.”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Wow. That’s a big hill.”
“Huh?”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“Oh no. I’m, uh, an innkeeper. I guess. Or maybe a wanderer? Actually, I’m just new around here.”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“There.”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“I’m—I’ll just look around if that’s okay.”
“Okay.”
“Hi. Is this a food shop?”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Sorry. Sorry.”
“And, uh, I’d like some oil too. Do you have another jar…?”
“But I’d like some. Butter, that is.”
“Um. I’m looking for a few things, actually. Uh, do you have any butter?”
“Oh, um. I’m just looking.”
“No, I’ll just wander around and—look. Thank you.”
“Um. Those sausages. How much do they cost?”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“Well, if I’ve got enough, I’d like to buy a few of those. And some onions.”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“Okay. I’ll buy it all.”
“Ow. Ow!”
“Thanks.”
“Ah. Ow.”
“Fine.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“So.”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“It’s fine.”
“But that’s what you think.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“Sorry.”
“I can’t read the language here.”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“Magic. Either that or they’re all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“Well, there are signs. I just can’t read them.”
“Finally.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“Oh. Great.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“I’m sure.”
“I can take the bag now.”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“I don’t want to kill you.”
“Checkmate.”
“I didn’t kill them, but it doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll think. I’ll think for once about it.”
“Checkmate.”
“Who the hell—oh. It’s you.”
“If only it were dying.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Is it checkmate or just check?”
“Checkmate.”
“It’s all just a game.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“Oh Father who art in Heaven…”
“I truly hate this world.”
“Was it obvious?”
“I—I’m alive.”
“How’d you figure it out?”
“Guh.”
“Really? No one? What about Drakes?”
“What about your people?”
“Ow. What was—”
“Oh. I see.”
“Oh—ow! Good to know.”
“Good. Thank you. So. What now? Did you—what did you do with the body?”
“I’m not in shock. I’m really not. I’m just—tired.”
“Yeah. I changed the subject. Humans do that when they don’t want to talk about something.”
“I’m not in shock.”
“I’m okay. Really. I just—I’m from somewhere else. Another world. This place is different. I just—I just don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s been a bad day.”
“Um. Okay?”
“No.”
“No. No killing Goblins.”
“It’s wrong.”
“Yeah.”
“They’re vicious, evil little monsters. And they’d probably eat me if they could.”
“Really? Why’d I get them? And aren’t skills like…set?”
“That’s fine. They’re gone, anyways. They ran off when they heard him screaming.”
“One more thing.”
“And they’re murderers.”
“They’re murderers. And so am I. Don’t kill them.”
“Well then, explain it to me.”
“Right, you’ve got to be born into it.”
“Really?”
“Okay.”
“By who?”
“Not really. Sort of. I guess? But why are there levels in the first place?”
“Or whom. Who did it? And why?”
“Did someone teach you that?”
“But why is that how things work?”
“No, it’s not. We don’t have levels, and we don’t learn Skills like we’re in a video game. We don’t have classes except for ones in school, and we don’t need levels to learn things.”
“Your leveling is stupid. Your skills are stupid. I hate your world’s classes, I hate your city, and I hate you.”
“…I didn’t mean that.”
“That’s stupid.”
“You’re fine.”
“I’d like to be alone now.”
“I’m just having a bad—I mean, it’s been—I hate this world. But I didn’t mean that last bit about you. You’re okay. Everyone else can go to hell.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Relc. He killed two Goblins and beheaded them.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“No. I’m not.”
“…Thank you. Um. Thank you.”
“After I killed the Goblin—I gained a new skill. Two, actually. [Bar Fighting] and [Unerring Throw].”
“They won’t.”
“I just know. Please. I’d really like to be left alone.”
“Leave them alone.”
“The first meal is on the house.”
“This is my inn. I make the rules here. And if you don’t like my rules, get out.”
“That means it’s free.”
“Steal my stuff and I’ll hit you with a chair. Sit. Eat.”
“There. Sit.”
“Well? Come on in.”
“Eat.”
“The first meal is free.”
“Not like that.”
“Eat with a fork. See this? Fork.”
“You.”
“Why, I'd like to do business. Jerk.”
“Wait a second. Have we met?”
“My business with you isn't done yet. I want my money back. You ripped me off the other day.”
“A bag of flour, one pot of oil, a small bag of salt, sugar, yeast, four sausages, and two onions.”
“I've got a good memory. A really good one, actually. Perfect for numbers and lists.”
“Really? Where does it say that?”
“Oh, right. It does say that, doesn't it? Too bad I can't read. But I do remember you had your prices listed as well, didn't you?”
“And one crappy bag.”
“It's a chess board made out of wood. Unless it's made out of gold—which it's not—it's about as expensive as that food you sold me. So I guess you're selling this for three gold coins, too?”
“Fine. Let's play.”
“You mean, we play a game of chess for my money? Why should I do that?”
“Oh hey, it is! It's just like—I mean, the pieces are different, but it's chess, it is!”
“I want my money back. I'll give you a few silver coins for what I paid, but I'm not leaving here until you give me my money. Now, we can do this the hard way and call a bunch of people over and you can lose all your business for the day, or you can give my money back and I'll—hey, is that a chess board?”
“I know. How good is my opponent?”
“All the pieces are in the right spots? And these move like this?”
“Oh, I've seen a few players use it. Knights move like this, right?”
“I'm not sure if the rules I know are the same in that case. This piece here. You can move a king together with a rook like this, right?”
“Not many players lead with a pawn from the side. Most like going down the center.”
“I'm no expert. But there's a wager on this one, so I'll play my best. The white side moves first.”
“So you're really good at chess in Liscor, huh? Have you played a lot of games?”
“You don't say.”
“Don't worry, don't worry. I'm having a blast. I just think fast about my next move, that's all.”
“I'm not backing down. Let's play. Besides, I wouldn't want to disappoint the crowd.”
“And pawns can move two spaces on their first move, right? And if a piece is here, they can take it diagonally?”
“I don't intend to lose either.”
“You can't cheat in chess. It's fair.”
“I hate to agree with that jerk, but he's right, Relc. I agreed to the wager, and I want to play. I'm going to win my money back and play some chess while I'm at it.”
“This? I'm getting my money back. Let go of my shirt. You'll poke holes in it.”
“I can.”
“It's not a stupid game. And so what if he likes to play? Like I said, so do I. And I'm a good player.”
“What?”
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“So? Does that mean he's good at chess?”
“Oh, hi Klbkch.”
“Am I? Why's that?”
“Sorry about that.”
“Check.”
“So it is.”
“Let me play. You two can watch, but I'm going to play and win.”
“No. Go away and let me play.”
“It was just a lucky move. Well, not lucky, but it was quite nice, wasn't it?”
“Exactly. So stop calling me stupid or I'll hit you.”
“That's check as well. See the rook?”
“Really? You heard about the bet?”
“Oh, that's check too. Sorry.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Ooh, no check this turn. But watch out for your rook. It's that or your queen.”
“Check.”
“Later, maybe. Right now, I want to talk to the Drake guy who ripped me off the other day. You know; the one that took all my money. The ugly one.”
“Oh yeah? What if I'm not happy about what you sold me? I think for two and a half gold coins you should be selling me enough onions to fill the bottom floor of my inn. So how about I return to you what I've purchased and you give me a complete refund?”
“Is that your uncle? My, you two don't look alike.”
“Check. And it's check if you do that too. And that…”
“Respect? I have tons of respect. Just for anyone who's not you.”
“Of course. My name's Erin. Erin Solstice.”
“Look, I'm glad you two care. But I've got this. It's fine. You'll see.”
“That good, huh? Got it.”
“A hundred? Wow. But like I said, don't worry. I like to play chess too. And I've played a…few games too. I'm not worried.”
“Well, so am I. It's still a fair game, isn't it?”
“Check.”
“Fuck you.”
“Olesm. Oh yeah, that's what his name is.”
“Because I'm going to win.”
“Check.”
“If you’re about to say it was rigged, don’t bother. And if you want a rematch, I’ll gladly play again if you double how much you owe me. Which is a bad idea because I’ll win. I want my money.”
“I want my money back. All of it, thank you. And while you’re at it, I’ll buy the chess board and pieces too.”
“Good for him. But I’ve been playing chess for…at least fifteen years, now. I stopped playing for a while until recently, but I used to play at least three games before I went to sleep each night. He might have a fancy Skill, but a rookie’s still a rookie.”
“Two gold pieces, seven silver, and four copper exactly. I don’t have a receipt, but I’m sure Klbkch and Relc could help you find out.”
“You said he’s played for a few years, right?”
“Me? No. I’m not. Sorry?”
“Oh no, you were a good player too. I really shouldn’t have played like that as well against a rooki—another player.”
“Um. Maybe? It’s more like a title where I come from. Besides, grandmasters only play chess. I’m not sure if that’s a class.”
“You can do that?”
“Don’t feel bad. I’m not a professional player, but I’ve won a chess tournament or two in my time. I’ve even played a grandmaster and won. One of the few female ones, which was really cool. But I was so nervous at the time I totally forgot to castle, and I lost my rook to—”
“Is that off?”
“Thank you, Klbkch.”
“No, no. Shogi is a game that originated in Japan. And, uh, Japan is…and…um…”
“Another game? Sure, sure. After I finish my shopping—well, one or two more games won’t hurt, but I don’t have time today.”
“Tell you what, next time, we can play a bunch of games. Not just chess—if you guys have got other strategy games, I’d love to play them too.”
“Um. Hi. Are you open for business?”
“Right, well good luck with that.”
“Not at all. Um—maybe we should save that guy’s shop?”
“Really? You can smell all that?”
“It’s just that I was having a bad day, and I met this other Gnoll who really didn’t like me. So, uh, I was kinda afraid you would get growly at me too. But I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t judge by, uh, species.”
“It’s not anything to be proud of. At all.”
“Um. Sorry?”
“Why do all of you say that? I’m Human. So what?”
“It’s nothing to be proud of.”
“What? No, no. I’m actually here to, uh, apologize.”
“No.”
“Well, you’re the first Gnoll I’ve talked to. The first one that wasn’t angry at me, at least.”
“Silverfang?”
“I feel bad about that, actually.”
“I, uh—well, I dunno. If he’s Level 20…I’d be Level 60?”
“Well, that’s what I was always taught. Plus, I bullied Olesm a bit.”
“Um. No. A tribe, huh? What does Silverfang do?”
“Good game. Let’s play again sometime, okay?”
“Checkmate.”
“Why thank you, Klbkch.”
“Er…I might be able to beat him blindfolded.”
“Runner’s Guild? So you’re saying it’s like a postal service?”
“Um. A delivery service?”
“Aw. The water.”
“It’s just a game. Just a game?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“I’ll make my own rules. And anyone that doesn’t like it can go to hell.”
“It’s kill or be killed in this world, after all.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“What’s a good price?”
“Food. I hate painting.”
“No Killing Goblins.”
“Right, sorry. I just haven’t ever heard of these Runners before. What do they do, besides make deliveries?”
“So. These deliveries…how do they work?”
“I remember why I got bored of chess. There’s only one winner and one loser. The best game for both players is a draw.”
“Wow. Okay. That’s a lot of stuff. But that’s good, because I need a lot of stuff. Like food, clothing, um, soap. Toothpaste—do you have—?”
“Still a great game, though. Don’t take it personally. Let me just get a quick snack for the road. And I need some soap. Proper hygiene and all that. Where did I put the soap? Soap, soap, soap…I should really organize all this stuff. Maybe tomorrow.”
“Oh, I love all kinds of strategy games. I always surfed YouTube for—uh, what I mean is, I used to watch and play tons of chess games. And not just chess; I learned how to play Shogi, Go, and even a few card games. But I couldn’t gamble, so there was that.”
“I didn’t know he was going to challenge me to chess! That was a lucky coincidence. I just—happen to be really good at it.”
“Wh—truth stones? That’s what that thing is? I’ve never seen something like that! Is it magic?”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice.”
“Still, it’s not nice. And the law should be equal for everyone.”
“Sorry, I don’t want to make you mad again. But—do I really smell that bad? I just had a bath.”
“I like it.”
“Eugh! What was—that’s so gross! I’m so sorry! I had that on my foot the entire time? You’re totally forgiven. Your nose is amazing! Do I, uh, smell at all beyond that?”
“Delivered? You do deliveries?”
“A Goblin what now?”
“Uh. No…no I have not. We don’t have many Goblins where I come from.”
“Do you have any idea—no. Just please, please tell me there’s someone who sells what I need in the city.”
“No?”
“Um. I burned his face off.”
“No, no. I’m no mage. It’s just—I used a trick. And I nearly died. I bet Klbkch didn’t mention that.”
“Another night without customers.”
“What good is owning an inn without customers?”
“What I wouldn't give for one customer.”
“Two days.”
“That lying, pasta-eating, snake-ant jerk!”
“I meant a paying, nice customer.”
“Yeah. They are good.”
“I’m just glad it was only a Goblin Chieftain. If the rest of the Goblins had come after me, I would have been dead.”
“Very. He gave me a healing potion. Without that, I would have been a goner.”
“Are they—are they expensive? Those potions, I mean.”
“Pads. I want to buy pads. Or tampons, if you guys actually have those.”
“I’ve never heard of video game characters dealing with this! How do you expect Lara Croft to climb mountains with a giant frickin’ diaper in her pants? I’d love to see Leia fighting stormtroopers on her cycle!”
“Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I hate you so much right now I can’t even explain.”
“The menstrual cycle. You know, that time of the month when you donate blood. When Aunt Flo comes to town. Shark week. The Crimson Tide. Parting the Red Sea!”
“Does it hurt?”
“...Yes.”
“Are you messing with me? Because if you are, I’m not in the mood for it.”
“Sorry. It’s just—you can smell that? Seriously? No, don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know. Don’t Gnolls have periods too?”
“So you don’t have anything like that?”
“I’m bleeding. I need pads. Cloth pads, now.”
“You know! Riding the cotton pony! It’s that thing ladies have! The waterfalls of hell! The blood baptism! The get-out-of-swim-class card! The proof of womanhood! The part of the month where blood comes out of your—”
“I really didn’t mean to shout.”
“Lots.”
“Um. Uh, that’s—that’s actually a good idea. I heard they did that in developing countries but—okay. Okay, yeah. It’s gross, but yeah. How would I get one of those made?”
“Thanks. I, uh, gotta go. See you later.”
“Yes.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Yes—yes they are.”
“What?”
“Yes? Tell me. What’s your thought?”
“I’m not talking to you. Go away.”
“Sorry. Where were we?”
“Bully me once, shame on you. Bully me twice—I get mean. And violent.”
“Oh. Someone told you about that?”
“Um. Sort of like this.”
“Do I look like I’m in the mood to be bullied?”
“But…?”
“Nine.”
“So you guys kill Goblins all the time? What about Chieftains? Do you send adventurers after those guys?”
“Yeah. No one comes by. Is it because I’m Human? Or is it too far to walk?”
“Thanks. Sorry I can’t pay you more—it’s just that I don’t have much money from this innkeeping thing.”
“Nasty.”
“Uh, where’s your bathroom?”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“Just in time for a new crisis.”
“No, you’re right. I’ll…do some thinking about it. But right now—”
“I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
“Not now, Olesm.”
“I know. Everyone keeps telling me that. But please, do you have bandages? Thin, soft fabric?”
“Why not?”
“Out.”
“Why not?”
“Oh. And, uh, I guess pasta isn’t that interesting.”
“Rough.”
“I—I’m going to die.”
“Tell me about it. On bad days back home, I used to use a ton of pads each day before I switched to tampons. And let me tell you, that was a psychological shift as well.”
“Oh. My. God. This is not okay!”
“I’m going to need enough for a week, maybe. And I need to use the bandages to make a pad. You know, to cover the area. And I change pads every few hours sometimes, so…”
“Pads.”
“Please, God, if you’re there. Or the Buddha. I’ll pray to anyone. Just please don’t make me wear a diaper.”
“So you’re not sending adventurers out against a raiding party either, then?”
“Um. Yeah. I can make other things. I’ve got [Basic Cooking], but—what’s wrong?”
“I guess.”
“You know, if you actually helped people and were a bit nicer, I think you’d actually be fun to hang around with. Why are you so rude to everyone?”
“One jar for bugs, one jar for deadly acid. Perfect.”
“Perfect.”
“Oh no. No. This is not right.”
“Four legs. I knew I wasn’t dreaming that up.”
“And now I have a jar full of these deadly little critters. What do I do now?”
“I should feel bad about that. I really should.”
“So. Apparently Acid Flies like blood. Right. And does that mean I have to worry about them landing on me when I sleep?”
“Oh wow. That’s gross.”
“Hm.”
“Acid. Does it melt glass? It doesn’t look like it’s melting, but will I wake up with a hole in my floor?”
“Time for cleanup.”
“Right. But in chemistry class, we used glass.”
“I can do this. Think of the money. Think of the food. Think of the inn. Don’t think of the fish.”
“Who knew I’d be grateful to be covered in sawdust and sweat rather than blood?”
“What a lovely image.”
“Well, they’re bugs. I bet Klbkch would love to eat them.”
“Okay, [Basic Crafting], activate!”
“Aren’t they gross? But look—the jars are almost half full, and it’s not even been more than two hours.”
“Let’s see how you like this, you little jerks.”
“Of course I can read. I can also play chess, and I read poetry. Sometimes.”
“Acid Fly trap, complete!”
“I don’t get how they can survive anyways, if they explode so much. I mean, how would they even live long enough to reproduce?”
“Ah.”
“What?”
“Oh, sort of like how bees and ants both have queens, right? All the workers feeding the big leader?”
“Oh yeah. I play chess. A tiny bit. You could say it’s a hobby of mine.”
“What do you do all day, anyways?”
“Do you need to study that much? I mean, don’t you know spells?”
“No. You bet, and I won. No arguing. Eat your eggs.”
“You rob the dead?”
“Almost makes you wish you had a job, huh?”
“Yeah, and because Relc threatened to stab you if you kept doing it. That’s not really a good career path, you know.”
“You study.”
“Right. So you study to cast better spells. And I guess that makes you level up as well?”
“Darn.”
“I never had high hopes for you in the first place. I just think it’s too bad, that’s all. You know magic, and you don’t do anything with it.”
“…And? Can you do that?”
“I dunno. What do mages do for a living? Blow up stuff with fireballs? Dispense sage advice? Sell their beards? I found a bunch of magic runes in the kitchen. They kept food fresh for—I dunno, years.”
“Why don’t you do something actually useful instead?”
“That’s better.”
“Because you’re a better person than they are.”
“Oof. That’s heavy.”
“Hold on, I think there’s one left.”
“Right.”
“I’ll separate the flies and the acid. I don’t know what I’ll do with the acid.”
“Right. I can do that.”
“Right. Um. Want another piece of bread? Or would you like some more juice?”
“And then I’m going to feed you until you explode like one of the flies.”
“I was. I really was.”
“I’m going to take these jars back to the inn. You’re coming with me in case I drop one. And then…”
“The stream? Why?”
“Are you sure? I could get you a bag of food to go.”
“Good thing you came along.”
“You saved me. It was incredible, that spell.”
“It was nothing. Let me get the door for you—there. Careful on your way out.”
“Bath time.”
“Amateurs are still amateurs. By the way, I’ll put the money you bet me on your tab.”
“Oh man. Oh wow. That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, of course that would happen.”
“Nope. And even if you try to take the pawn, it’s still checkmate.”
“Oh. Um. Magic has tiers?”
“Not okay. Not okay.”
“Oh, I know tons of weird animal facts. When I was a kid, I watched Discovery Chann—I mean, I read lots of books.”
“I—”
“That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Take this! And that!”
“Gotta be all the acid in their backsides. Okay. This could take a while.”
“…I wonder if you can make fly cookies?”
“I hate all bugs. Except for Klbkch. No, actually, I hate him too. At least flies don’t lie to my face.”
“Okay. Done. Now what?”
“They can’t get out of the jars. They’re not that smart. They wriggle in, but the lid keeps them from exiting. I did the same thing with fruit flies back where I lived. Well, I lined the edges with sticky tape, but this seems to work because these guys are even dumber than fruit flies.”
“Isn’t that what being an innkeeper is all about? Besides, I deal with Pisces. Come on. Bring a few of your friends, and I’ll serve you Acid Flies until you explode.”
“Why not?”
“Has no one here heard of Murphy’s Law?”
“Hey, if they’re like you, I wouldn’t mind it. And if they don’t want to talk to me, I can just serve them more flies.”
“Baking soda.”
“How about a group of Goblins that can kill a giant rock-crab-thing in seconds?”
“Cookies. You know? Small, round, brown things?”
“No!”
“Goblins.”
“How do you—this world doesn’t have cookies? How is that fair? How!?”
“Well—”
“No, no! There’s way too many of them. Besides, I don’t want you to kill them! That would be—”
“Oh yeah?”
“Just what’s so funny?”
“That’s not a raiding party. That’s an army.”
“How nasty?”
“Not more than forty, I guess.”
“Bloodfields? What’s that?”
“Get out.”
“Wonderful. I bet everyone comes here to see all the monsters who want to suck your face off.”
“But they killed a Rock Crab!”
“You know, that giant thing that hides under a rock? It goes clickclickclickclick—”
“Then…the Goblin tribe isn’t that dangerous?”
“Necromancer? You mean Pisces?”
“Herds? You guys have herds?”
“Dinner will just be a few minutes while I warm everything up on the embers. Uh, what other creatures haven’t I seen yet?”
“It’s not?”
“I haven’t seen any of these other monsters. Just the dinosaur birds.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“I can see war, but why rain and the undead?”
“There are Humans around here? Where?”
“And? Um, what do the Human cities do?”
“Not yet. So that’s why you guys hate the undead?”
“Oh, of course. Just a second.”
“Um. It’s good?”
“So the, uh, Liscorian army is twice as strong as other armies?”
“Human cities?”
“So your army goes out and fights for money? Isn’t that dangerous if someone attacks here?”
“A what? An Antinium Hive? Is that unique?”
“Yeah, well, I was celebrating earlier. I cooked up a lot by accident.”
“Oh, you know. Not dying.”
“They seem pretty good to me. Although Klbkch is the only one I’ve ever met. But he doesn’t cause trouble or call Humans names or do anything bad. Unlike certain Drakes I could name.”
“Sorry it took so long. I wanted to tell you guys about the Goblins, so I forgot to heat stuff up.”
“Oh, fine.”