Bookworming...
Bookworming...
1000 quotes (1000 spoken, 0 mentions)
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“I’m really hungry.”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Curtains.”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“…What was that?”
“Aha!”
“Drat.”
“No good. I guess—”
“Darn.”
“Okay, okay.”
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“Ow.”
“Did I just level up?”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“Got it. Message received.”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“Are those…trees?”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“No. No!”
“You…stupid tree!”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“…I hate this world.”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“Like hell it does!”
“I’m tired.”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“…Am I going to die?”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“Huh.”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“G-goblins?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“Well? Come on!”
“Eat this!”
“Get back!”
“Boo!”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“Ha. Haha.”
“Hahaha.”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“I hate this world!”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“Goblins.”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“But I won.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“Was that me?”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“It’s really hot.”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“Feel sick.”
“Where—where was it?”
“Water!”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“…Bath time.”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Weird.”
“Huh.”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“W—wh—”
“Aaaaaah!”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“And hey, I need food. So it’s time to chop stuff up.”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“…Huh?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“Bandage.”
“It hurts.”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“Oh. Of course.”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Still hurts.”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“The stream!”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“…Sushi?”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“…Ow.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“Right, food.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Damn it.”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“Not knives.”
“What the—”
“Is that...flour?”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“...It’s probably flour.”
“That’s butter.”
“That’s not right.”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Wow. Magic.”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“No, nonono—”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“It’s gone.”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Go to hell!”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Either way.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“You. Get off.”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Dammit.”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“Eggs?”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Blue juice?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Ow.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“At this rate, I’m going to start a collection.”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“Ow.”
“What’s that smell?”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“That’s for all of you.”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Hot!”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Feels like it’s worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Food’s over there.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“…Hi.”
“…Hi.”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“From what? Me?”
“Dying?”
“Good. Thanks?”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“It did.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“Um, no. No.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“So…okay, let me think.”
“Really? So that means—”
“N-name?”
“Is that wrong?”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“Like what?”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really…really cool!”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
“It—sorry, it’s a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“What?”
“You have? I mean, it’s not an infection?”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“Thank you—ow!”
“No, no I’m not. And how can I—I can’t thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I’ll feed you two again if you want—”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“You sure? It doesn’t feel like—”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“Yeah, it’s awesome.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“What, this? It’s nothing, it—”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“I leveled up again.”
“Stupid thing.”
“What—what was that?”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“Whoa.”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“No?”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“Okay. How about…”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“They must be busy.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“This. This is a pan.”
“If I say it’s a pan, it’s a pan. The important part is that I’ll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“Try that again and I’ll hit you harder.”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I’ll break something.”
“So. You’re paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I’m sure mages are really scary when they’re far away, but wands aren’t good at blocking frying…pots.”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“Yeah. It’s food.”
“What are you talking about? I’m giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Poisonous?”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I’ve checked them.”
“…Want one?”
“Oh come on.”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Well, eat this.”
“I got lost.”
“How’d you guess? Actually, you’re only half-right, but how’d you guess?”
“Yeah. It’s been fun and games ever since.”
“Fascinating as in ‘I know what spell that was?’”
“Me?”
“Just answer the question.”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“It occurs to me that I never asked your name.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“Where are you going?”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“Look, it’s safe. I’ve eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you’ll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“Some people don’t like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“Come back here and I’ll feed you.”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I’ve also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“Floodplains? What are you talking about?”
“And anyways, I didn’t see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting ‘abracadabra’. And there aren’t wizards where I—I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it’s so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I’ve met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn’t try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“Here.”
“Me? Oh, I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“Hey, stop that!”
“What else could it be? I’ve played D&D.”
“You’re sweating.”
“So. You’re gonna hurt me if I don’t give you food, huh?”
“I know what plebian means.”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn’t have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“…Huh.”
“They grow that big? No; don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But you’re right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn’t feel like a spell, but…”
“I’m not. But I’ll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you’ll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I’ll feed you. Try to scare me and I’ll hit you harder next time.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Who?”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“Like dead bodies.”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“Um, sorry.”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“Like who?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Uh, no. No, sorry.”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“Right, well. It’s still not—okay.”
“Really?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“He’s not my friend.”
“That’s—”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“Why?”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“…What tab?”
“No—no problem.”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Here?”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“Can you?”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“And necromancy.”
“What do you want?”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“So…?”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal. There are laws, and you have to follow them. If this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you could get a permanent citation on your record.”
“Men.”
“And I’m out of ingredients.”
“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear you come in through the door.”
“And you’re telling me all this…why?”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I’m barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“Good.”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“Well—well too bad.”
“Even if you’re in danger, I’m in danger if I hide you. I’m not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“No. Go.”
“I—”
“Gutting? Hey, that’s—”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“Stop that! Put the weapons away and get out.”
“What?”
“Hey!”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“No.”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“Prove it.”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“Then go. Now.”
“Absolutely.”
“No!”
“Out.”
“Males.”
“Good job, I guess. But they’re still going to find you. You’re a criminal, and you’ve got nowhere to hide.”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“Relc never said—”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there’s no reason for you to arrest him.”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“No. Out.”
“Are you—what’s—I’m good. Good.”
“Out.”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re all wrong, Klbkch.”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“So I’m in trouble.”
“Innocent? You? You’re nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you’re getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you’d better be long gone from here. And if you don’t leave now, I’ll kick you out myself.”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“Rubbery.”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“They lied to me.”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“So, what do I need?”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“What’s essential?”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“Shoo!”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“That’s a big wall.”
“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”
“I’ll just be going. Now.”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“Yes? No?”
“…Hi.”
“The…”
“I’m sorry!”
“S-sorry. I just didn’t see—”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“Uh—I—just looking, thanks!”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet… I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“Oops, sorry. Uh, where am I?”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“Wow.”
“Oh, I’m really sorry. What was that you were saying?”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“N-no?”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“Right. Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“Right. Well. I’m sorry about that.”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“Huh?”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Wow. That’s a big hill.”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“There.”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“Oh, um. I’m just looking.”
“I’m—I’ll just look around if that’s okay.”
“No, I’ll just wander around and—look. Thank you.”
“Hi. Is this a food shop?”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“Sorry. Sorry.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Um. I’m looking for a few things, actually. Uh, do you have any butter?”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“But I’d like some. Butter, that is.”
“And, uh, I’d like some oil too. Do you have another jar…?”
“Okay.”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Um. Those sausages. How much do they cost?”
“Well, if I’ve got enough, I’d like to buy a few of those. And some onions.”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“Okay. I’ll buy it all.”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“Ow. Ow!”
“Thanks.”
“Fine.”
“So.”
“But that’s what you think.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“It’s fine.”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“Ah. Ow.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“Sorry.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“I can’t read the language here.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“Magic. Either that or they’re all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“Well, there are signs. I just can’t read them.”
“Finally.”
“Oh. Great.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“I can take the bag now.”
“I’m sure.”
“Checkmate.”
“I don’t want to kill you.”
“I’ll think. I’ll think for once about it.”
“Is it checkmate or just check?”
“If only it were dying.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Oh Father who art in Heaven…”
“It’s all just a game.”
“I truly hate this world.”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“Checkmate.”
“Checkmate.”
“Who the hell—oh. It’s you.”
“I didn’t kill them, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“I don’t want to hurt—”
“————!”
“Guh.”
“I—I’m alive.”
“Was it obvious?”
“How’d you figure it out?”
“Really? No one? What about Drakes?”
“What about your people?”
“Ow. What was—”
“Oh. I see.”
“Good. Thank you. So. What now? Did you—what did you do with the body?”
“Yeah. I changed the subject. Humans do that when they don’t want to talk about something.”
“I’m not in shock.”
“I’m not in shock. I’m really not. I’m just—tired.”
“Oh—ow! Good to know.”
“After I killed the Goblin—I gained a new skill. Two, actually. [Bar Fighting] and [Unerring Throw].”
“I’m okay. Really. I just—I’m from somewhere else. Another world. This place is different. I just—I just don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s been a bad day.”
“No.”
“No. No killing Goblins.”
“It’s wrong.”
“They’re vicious, evil little monsters. And they’d probably eat me if they could.”
“And they’re murderers.”
“They’re murderers. And so am I. Don’t kill them.”
“That’s fine. They’re gone, anyways. They ran off when they heard him screaming.”
“One more thing.”
“Really? Why’d I get them? And aren’t skills like…set?”
“Um. Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then, explain it to me.”
“Right, you’ve got to be born into it.”
“Really?”
“Okay.”
“Not really. Sort of. I guess? But why are there levels in the first place?”
“By who?”
“Or whom. Who did it? And why?”
“Did someone teach you that?”
“But why is that how things work?”
“No, it’s not. We don’t have levels, and we don’t learn Skills like we’re in a video game. We don’t have classes except for ones in school, and we don’t need levels to learn things.”
“That’s stupid.”
“…I didn’t mean that.”
“You’re fine.”
“I’m just having a bad—I mean, it’s been—I hate this world. But I didn’t mean that last bit about you. You’re okay. Everyone else can go to hell.”
“I’d like to be alone now.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“Relc. He killed two Goblins and beheaded them.”
“Your leveling is stupid. Your skills are stupid. I hate your world’s classes, I hate your city, and I hate you.”
“No. I’m not.”
“…Thank you. Um. Thank you.”
“They won’t.”
“I just know. Please. I’d really like to be left alone.”
“Steal my stuff and I’ll hit you with a chair. Sit. Eat.”
“Leave them alone.”
“Well? Come on in.”
“There. Sit.”
“The first meal is on the house.”
“That means it’s free.”
“Eat.”
“The first meal is free.”
“Not like that.”
“Eat with a fork. See this? Fork.”
“Wait a second. Have we met?”
“You.”
“Why, I'd like to do business. Jerk.”
“My business with you isn't done yet. I want my money back. You ripped me off the other day.”
“Really? Where does it say that?”
“Oh, right. It does say that, doesn't it? Too bad I can't read. But I do remember you had your prices listed as well, didn't you?”
“A bag of flour, one pot of oil, a small bag of salt, sugar, yeast, four sausages, and two onions.”
“And one crappy bag.”
“I've got a good memory. A really good one, actually. Perfect for numbers and lists.”
“Oh hey, it is! It's just like—I mean, the pieces are different, but it's chess, it is!”
“It's a chess board made out of wood. Unless it's made out of gold—which it's not—it's about as expensive as that food you sold me. So I guess you're selling this for three gold coins, too?”
“Fine. Let's play.”
“All the pieces are in the right spots? And these move like this?”
“I know. How good is my opponent?”
“I'm not backing down. Let's play. Besides, I wouldn't want to disappoint the crowd.”
“I don't intend to lose either.”
“You don't say.”
“Oh, I've seen a few players use it. Knights move like this, right?”
“I'm no expert. But there's a wager on this one, so I'll play my best. The white side moves first.”
“Not many players lead with a pawn from the side. Most like going down the center.”
“Don't worry, don't worry. I'm having a blast. I just think fast about my next move, that's all.”
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“This? I'm getting my money back. Let go of my shirt. You'll poke holes in it.”
“You can't cheat in chess. It's fair.”
“Am I? Why's that?”
“So? Does that mean he's good at chess?”
“It's not a stupid game. And so what if he likes to play? Like I said, so do I. And I'm a good player.”
“I can.”
“What?”
“Really? You heard about the bet?”
“Exactly. So stop calling me stupid or I'll hit you.”
“Let me play. You two can watch, but I'm going to play and win.”
“No. Go away and let me play.”
“Sorry about that.”
“So it is.”
“Check.”
“It was just a lucky move. Well, not lucky, but it was quite nice, wasn't it?”
“Oh, that's check too. Sorry.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Check.”
“Later, maybe. Right now, I want to talk to the Drake guy who ripped me off the other day. You know; the one that took all my money. The ugly one.”
“Oh yeah? What if I'm not happy about what you sold me? I think for two and a half gold coins you should be selling me enough onions to fill the bottom floor of my inn. So how about I return to you what I've purchased and you give me a complete refund?”
“I want my money back. I'll give you a few silver coins for what I paid, but I'm not leaving here until you give me my money. Now, we can do this the hard way and call a bunch of people over and you can lose all your business for the day, or you can give my money back and I'll—hey, is that a chess board?”
“I'm not sure if the rules I know are the same in that case. This piece here. You can move a king together with a rook like this, right?”
“And pawns can move two spaces on their first move, right? And if a piece is here, they can take it diagonally?”
“I hate to agree with that jerk, but he's right, Relc. I agreed to the wager, and I want to play. I'm going to win my money back and play some chess while I'm at it.”
“Oh, hi Klbkch.”
“That's check as well. See the rook?”
“Olesm. Oh yeah, that's what his name is.”
“Ooh, no check this turn. But watch out for your rook. It's that or your queen.”
“Is that your uncle? My, you two don't look alike.”
“Check. And it's check if you do that too. And that…”
“Respect? I have tons of respect. Just for anyone who's not you.”
“Of course. My name's Erin. Erin Solstice.”
“Look, I'm glad you two care. But I've got this. It's fine. You'll see.”
“Check.”
“That good, huh? Got it.”
“A hundred? Wow. But like I said, don't worry. I like to play chess too. And I've played a…few games too. I'm not worried.”
“Well, so am I. It's still a fair game, isn't it?”
“Fuck you.”
“Because I'm going to win.”
“Check.”
“You said he’s played for a few years, right?”
“I want my money back. All of it, thank you. And while you’re at it, I’ll buy the chess board and pieces too.”
“Oh no, you were a good player too. I really shouldn’t have played like that as well against a rooki—another player.”
“Me? No. I’m not. Sorry?”
“Um. Maybe? It’s more like a title where I come from. Besides, grandmasters only play chess. I’m not sure if that’s a class.”
“You can do that?”
“Is that off?”
“Good for him. But I’ve been playing chess for…at least fifteen years, now. I stopped playing for a while until recently, but I used to play at least three games before I went to sleep each night. He might have a fancy Skill, but a rookie’s still a rookie.”
“Why do all of you say that? I’m Human. So what?”
“Well, you’re the first Gnoll I’ve talked to. The first one that wasn’t angry at me, at least.”
“Right, well good luck with that.”
“Another game? Sure, sure. After I finish my shopping—well, one or two more games won’t hurt, but I don’t have time today.”
“Tell you what, next time, we can play a bunch of games. Not just chess—if you guys have got other strategy games, I’d love to play them too.”
“Not at all. Um—maybe we should save that guy’s shop?”
“Um. Hi. Are you open for business?”
“Checkmate.”
“If you’re about to say it was rigged, don’t bother. And if you want a rematch, I’ll gladly play again if you double how much you owe me. Which is a bad idea because I’ll win. I want my money.”
“Um. Sorry?”
“Really? You can smell all that?”
“It’s nothing to be proud of.”
“No.”
“It’s not anything to be proud of. At all.”
“Silverfang?”
“I feel bad about that, actually.”
“I, uh—well, I dunno. If he’s Level 20…I’d be Level 60?”
“Good game. Let’s play again sometime, okay?”
“Er…I might be able to beat him blindfolded.”
“Um. A delivery service?”
“Right, sorry. I just haven’t ever heard of these Runners before. What do they do, besides make deliveries?”
“What’s a good price?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“It’s kill or be killed in this world, after all.”
“It’s just a game. Just a game?”
“I’ll make my own rules. And anyone that doesn’t like it can go to hell.”
“Aw. The water.”
“Food. I hate painting.”
“No Killing Goblins.”
“Don’t feel bad. I’m not a professional player, but I’ve won a chess tournament or two in my time. I’ve even played a grandmaster and won. One of the few female ones, which was really cool. But I was so nervous at the time I totally forgot to castle, and I lost my rook to—”
“Why thank you, Klbkch.”
“Two gold pieces, seven silver, and four copper exactly. I don’t have a receipt, but I’m sure Klbkch and Relc could help you find out.”
“Thank you, Klbkch.”
“What? No, no. I’m actually here to, uh, apologize.”
“It’s just that I was having a bad day, and I met this other Gnoll who really didn’t like me. So, uh, I was kinda afraid you would get growly at me too. But I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t judge by, uh, species.”
“Um. No. A tribe, huh? What does Silverfang do?”
“Well, that’s what I was always taught. Plus, I bullied Olesm a bit.”
“Runner’s Guild? So you’re saying it’s like a postal service?”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“So. These deliveries…how do they work?”
“I remember why I got bored of chess. There’s only one winner and one loser. The best game for both players is a draw.”
“Wow. Okay. That’s a lot of stuff. But that’s good, because I need a lot of stuff. Like food, clothing, um, soap. Toothpaste—do you have—?”
“Still a great game, though. Don’t take it personally. Let me just get a quick snack for the road. And I need some soap. Proper hygiene and all that. Where did I put the soap? Soap, soap, soap…I should really organize all this stuff. Maybe tomorrow.”
“Oh, I love all kinds of strategy games. I always surfed YouTube for—uh, what I mean is, I used to watch and play tons of chess games. And not just chess; I learned how to play Shogi, Go, and even a few card games. But I couldn’t gamble, so there was that.”
“I didn’t know he was going to challenge me to chess! That was a lucky coincidence. I just—happen to be really good at it.”
“Wh—truth stones? That’s what that thing is? I’ve never seen something like that! Is it magic?”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice.”
“Still, it’s not nice. And the law should be equal for everyone.”
“Sorry, I don’t want to make you mad again. But—do I really smell that bad? I just had a bath.”
“I like it.”
“Eugh! What was—that’s so gross! I’m so sorry! I had that on my foot the entire time? You’re totally forgiven. Your nose is amazing! Do I, uh, smell at all beyond that?”
“Delivered? You do deliveries?”
“A Goblin what now?”
“Uh. No…no I have not. We don’t have many Goblins where I come from.”
“No?”
“Um. I burned his face off.”
“Two days.”
“That lying, pasta-eating, snake-ant jerk!”
“Another night without customers.”
“What I wouldn't give for one customer.”
“I meant a paying, nice customer.”
“Very. He gave me a healing potion. Without that, I would have been a goner.”
“Are they—are they expensive? Those potions, I mean.”
“Yeah. They are good.”
“Pads. I want to buy pads. Or tampons, if you guys actually have those.”
“Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I’m bleeding. I need pads. Cloth pads, now.”
“Are you messing with me? Because if you are, I’m not in the mood for it.”
“Sorry. It’s just—you can smell that? Seriously? No, don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know. Don’t Gnolls have periods too?”
“You know! Riding the cotton pony! It’s that thing ladies have! The waterfalls of hell! The blood baptism! The get-out-of-swim-class card! The proof of womanhood! The part of the month where blood comes out of your—”
“...Yes.”
“I really didn’t mean to shout.”
“So you don’t have anything like that?”
“Does it hurt?”
“I hate you so much right now I can’t even explain.”
“Yes? Tell me. What’s your thought?”
“Yes—yes they are.”
“Thanks. I, uh, gotta go. See you later.”
“Yes.”
“Lots.”
“What?”
“Um. Uh, that’s—that’s actually a good idea. I heard they did that in developing countries but—okay. Okay, yeah. It’s gross, but yeah. How would I get one of those made?”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Um. Sort of like this.”
“I’m not talking to you. Go away.”
“Do I look like I’m in the mood to be bullied?”
“Sorry. Where were we?”
“Bully me once, shame on you. Bully me twice—I get mean. And violent.”
“Oh. Someone told you about that?”
“So you guys kill Goblins all the time? What about Chieftains? Do you send adventurers after those guys?”
“Nasty.”
“Thanks. Sorry I can’t pay you more—it’s just that I don’t have much money from this innkeeping thing.”
“Nine.”
“But…?”
“No, you’re right. I’ll…do some thinking about it. But right now—”
“Uh, where’s your bathroom?”
“Just in time for a new crisis.”
“I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“What good is owning an inn without customers?”
“Oh. My. God. This is not okay!”
“I’ve never heard of video game characters dealing with this! How do you expect Lara Croft to climb mountains with a giant frickin’ diaper in her pants? I’d love to see Leia fighting stormtroopers on her cycle!”
“Please, God, if you’re there. Or the Buddha. I’ll pray to anyone. Just please don’t make me wear a diaper.”
“Not now, Olesm.”
“The menstrual cycle. You know, that time of the month when you donate blood. When Aunt Flo comes to town. Shark week. The Crimson Tide. Parting the Red Sea!”
“Do you have any idea—no. Just please, please tell me there’s someone who sells what I need in the city.”
“Tell me about it. On bad days back home, I used to use a ton of pads each day before I switched to tampons. And let me tell you, that was a psychological shift as well.”
“No, no. I’m no mage. It’s just—I used a trick. And I nearly died. I bet Klbkch didn’t mention that.”
“Yeah. No one comes by. Is it because I’m Human? Or is it too far to walk?”
“I know. Everyone keeps telling me that. But please, do you have bandages? Thin, soft fabric?”
“Why not?”
“Out.”
“Oh. And, uh, I guess pasta isn’t that interesting.”
“Why not?”
“Rough.”
“I—I’m going to die.”
“I’m going to need enough for a week, maybe. And I need to use the bandages to make a pad. You know, to cover the area. And I change pads every few hours sometimes, so…”
“Pads.”
“So you’re not sending adventurers out against a raiding party either, then?”
“Um. Yeah. I can make other things. I’ve got [Basic Cooking], but—what’s wrong?”
“I’m just glad it was only a Goblin Chieftain. If the rest of the Goblins had come after me, I would have been dead.”
“You know, if you actually helped people and were a bit nicer, I think you’d actually be fun to hang around with. Why are you so rude to everyone?”
“I guess.”
“I hate all bugs. Except for Klbkch. No, actually, I hate him too. At least flies don’t lie to my face.”
“I’ll separate the flies and the acid. I don’t know what I’ll do with the acid.”
“Oh no. No. This is not right.”
“So. Apparently Acid Flies like blood. Right. And does that mean I have to worry about them landing on me when I sleep?”
“Four legs. I knew I wasn’t dreaming that up.”
“And now I have a jar full of these deadly little critters. What do I do now?”
“I should feel bad about that. I really should.”
“One jar for bugs, one jar for deadly acid. Perfect.”
“Perfect.”
“Hm.”
“Acid. Does it melt glass? It doesn’t look like it’s melting, but will I wake up with a hole in my floor?”
“Right. But in chemistry class, we used glass.”
“Time for cleanup.”
“Who knew I’d be grateful to be covered in sawdust and sweat rather than blood?”
“Oh wow. That’s gross.”
“Okay, [Basic Crafting], activate!”
“Acid Fly trap, complete!”
“Let’s see how you like this, you little jerks.”
“Aren’t they gross? But look—the jars are almost half full, and it’s not even been more than two hours.”
“What a lovely image.”
“I don’t get how they can survive anyways, if they explode so much. I mean, how would they even live long enough to reproduce?”
“Ah.”
“Of course I can read. I can also play chess, and I read poetry. Sometimes.”
“Oh yeah. I play chess. A tiny bit. You could say it’s a hobby of mine.”
“No. You bet, and I won. No arguing. Eat your eggs.”
“What do you do all day, anyways?”
“You study.”
“Do you need to study that much? I mean, don’t you know spells?”
“Right. So you study to cast better spells. And I guess that makes you level up as well?”
“Almost makes you wish you had a job, huh?”
“You rob the dead?”
“Why don’t you do something actually useful instead?”
“I dunno. What do mages do for a living? Blow up stuff with fireballs? Dispense sage advice? Sell their beards? I found a bunch of magic runes in the kitchen. They kept food fresh for—I dunno, years.”
“Darn.”
“…And? Can you do that?”
“I never had high hopes for you in the first place. I just think it’s too bad, that’s all. You know magic, and you don’t do anything with it.”
“Because you’re a better person than they are.”
“Oof. That’s heavy.”
“You saved me. It was incredible, that spell.”
“I was. I really was.”
“Right. I can do that.”
“Good thing you came along.”
“And then I’m going to feed you until you explode like one of the flies.”
“Hold on, I think there’s one left.”
“Right. Um. Want another piece of bread? Or would you like some more juice?”
“Are you sure? I could get you a bag of food to go.”
“It was nothing. Let me get the door for you—there. Careful on your way out.”
“That’s better.”
“Right.”
“I can do this. Think of the money. Think of the food. Think of the inn. Don’t think of the fish.”
“Well, they’re bugs. I bet Klbkch would love to eat them.”
“Oh, sort of like how bees and ants both have queens, right? All the workers feeding the big leader?”
“Yeah, and because Relc threatened to stab you if you kept doing it. That’s not really a good career path, you know.”
“The stream? Why?”
“I’m going to take these jars back to the inn. You’re coming with me in case I drop one. And then…”
“Bath time.”
“Amateurs are still amateurs. By the way, I’ll put the money you bet me on your tab.”
“Oh man. Oh wow. That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, of course that would happen.”
“Nope. And even if you try to take the pawn, it’s still checkmate.”