Spoilershielding...
Spoilershielding...
1000 total quotes
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“I’m really hungry.”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Like hell it does!”
“…I hate this world.”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“That time again? Two hundred years already? I might as well. It’s courteous.”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“At least, from strange young women appearing out of nowhere. She had to have been the subject of—of some chance. Maybe a [Gambler] or whatnot. Otherwise, I would be either dead or have been contacted by whomever it was. It cannot be Demons; they’re far too unsubtle. Who else? If it was the Quarass, I’d be dead. Djinni smell of magic. And that leaves…my kin, who wouldn’t do that.”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“Just a coincidence? An accident? I don’t know, and I didn’t get anything to latch onto. Whomever it is, they’re gone. I—I shall be watchful.”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“Got it. Message received.”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“Did I just level up?”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“I hate this world!”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Boo!”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“Need [Shaman].”
“…Am I going to die?”
“G-goblins?”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Well? Come on!”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Ha. Haha.”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“…Sushi?”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“…Bath time.”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Wow. Magic.”
“It’s gone.”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“That’s not right.”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“…It’s probably flour.”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“Greetings. May we come in?”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“That’s for all of you.”
“At this rate, I'm going to start a collection.”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“That’s Senior Guardsman Klbkch to you, rookie. Send a street runner to tell the Captain.”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Not a full one, and that’s not our call. I’ll tell the Captain. You just keep an eye on it. I think she’ll put our best patrol on it. Punishment detail for breaking all those windows yesterday.”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“You. Get off.”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“Or Goblins. I’ve seen them creeping around now and then. Do we send out a patrol?”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“It does look like—smoke. Maybe it’s a traveller. Or bandits. Or whoever’s been robbing the farmsteads.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“It could just be nothing, Senior [Guardswoman].”
“Skeleton? Goblins.”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“Feels like it's worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“I will endeavor not to in the future.”
“I feel I must mention that you, personally, cannot breathe fire, Relc.”
“So, a lesser healing potion of no worth, huh? You know, I’ve never heard you lie like that.”
“What a lonely girl.”
“Klb! That’s so devious! We can waste hours and say it was all an investigation! Now you’re thinking like a Drake!”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t have to kill her.”
“Not bad! Especially if you just got here a few days ago. Did the notification wake you up right as you were falling asleep? I hate that.”
“We may be able to fit checking in there as part of our duties if we convince the Captain it is necessary.”
“Am I a Dragon? Aha. Haha. Well, that’s just—oh, Ancestors bite me. I mean, do I look like one? I’m not even Oldblood, but maybe I do. Klb, buddy, what do you think?”
“Shut up. She just seems lonely, that’s all. Why else would a Human female want to hang out with a Drake and an overgrown bug?”
“Of course we wouldn’t eat you! That’s barbaric, and besides, it’s illegal. I mean, okay, sure, it happens sometimes in distant villages, but we wouldn’t do that. Right, Klbkch?”
“See, this. This is why no one else is willing to be your partner. Along with you being, y’know, you.”
“You said it poorly. I am merely rephrasing your words for the benefit of all.”
“Nice rocks to laze about upon while we should be performing our duties.”
“Or inflict other forms of bodily or mental harm upon you.”
“So, shall we return tomorrow?”
“Mammary glands? Breasts, I think they’re referred to. Or maybe the word is tits.”
“Oh, that. New classes without an apprenticeship, you mean? Simple. You must have satisfied the requirements for the class, that’s all. I know it’s sort of weird gaining a new class suddenly, but it happens. I knew a guy who gained four levels in [Farmer] just because he kept growing carrots in pots next to his window. Not [Gardener], [Farmer]. I guess it was because he grew lots of carrots. Leveling is weird that way.”
“Apologies. It is unwise to hug those with exoskeletons. Please, are you hurt?”
“You’re a regular do-gooder, huh? Trying to level up your…[Good Person] class? Is that a class?”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with you staying here. Aside from dying, that is.”
“I have no sexual attraction towards Humans. Unlike you.”
“I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“What about it? Oh, are you wondering about mine? I’m a [Spearmaster]. This idiot’s a [Swordslayer]. We both have levels in [Guardsman] as well, but not nearly as much as our primary classes. Pretty cool, huh?”
“You are blushing.”
“You’re just an overgrown ant. You be quiet. Anyways, we’re special. Those guys are just amphibians that learned to walk on two legs. We’re related to Dragons. We’ve got special powers.”
“Shut up. This is your fault. I told you I should go first. I’m not a horrific Ant.”
“Please, it was nothing. That was merely a low-grade healing potion of no great worth. Let us call it payment for the meal. Unless, of course, you object?”
“Really? I thought those were birds.”
“Indeed. It is part of our shared past. Once, of course, all races fought with tooth and claw and magic, but then they divided. Those who decided to forsake their natures and pursue a different truth received the gift of leveling, while those creatures who stayed true to their nature kept the might of their natures instead. According to historical records, at least. It is the subject of some studies, but that is the consensus.”
“I believe it was my turn to do that. Apologize to the Human for your rudeness.”
“Look. It’s getting sort of embarrassing. I’m not a Dragon. I’m a Drake. And yeah, we’re distantly related cousins, but Dragons are…there’s no way. That would be huge. You said you saw one? You sure it wasn’t a Wyvern? It was probably a Wyvern.”
“Of course not. Why would anyone make a healing potion that hurts when you use it? But look at that!”
“Oh, a [Teleportation] spell? Was it a misfire or did someone target you? That’s a Mage’s Guild issue.”
“Actually, I would like to correct you on that point. While the thinking races may level, animals and even creatures such as Dragons are not capable of leveling. Which is common knowledge.”
“You know fully well that I have no levels in any class of the kind. I was merely being kind.”
“Yes, but I have my badge on. You have not brought yours. Again. For the eighth day in a row. Therefore, I was the most logical choice to—”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“What, are you crazy? Let me talk. That was just a misunderstanding caused by seeing your face. I’ll straighten all this out.”
“Do you mean to say you found a Dragon? Somewhere around this area? And you—survived the encounter. Unharmed?”
“You idiot. I told you this is why I should have opened the door.”
“The plague. This location was once a small community until everyone here died. Horribly. Admittedly, this was a decade ago, but it was evacuated and has been condemned since then.”
“It is poison. Of a sort.”
“That is unusual. I was under the impression levels worked uniformly across all species. However, I too understand the issues of communicating leveling and the system of classes. Even so, it is odd to think there is a nation that does not teach it in some way. Unless you are referring to a cultural difference in classes?”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“…Yes. Yes, it is. I’m a Drake, not one of the Lizardfolk. There’s a big difference.”
“I would prefer that you call my species by their proper name.”
“Or, and hear me out. Or…we could have more food and stay here longer.”
“Shut up. I’m still sorry. But yeah, there’s a big difference. I mean, sure, Humans say we look similar, but we’re totally different. They have those neck frills, and they’re way too colorful. We build cities out of proper stone, but the Lizardfolk live near water and can breathe underwater too, some of them. They have Naga and, like, jungles in Baleros. Whereas we Drakes like drier climates. We enjoy warm sun, open spaces…”
“Your hurtful remarks are unnecessary. Besides which, I believe we are getting off track. We are in the presence of a member of the general public, remember.”
“Excuse me? I’m not a Dragon, Miss Human. I’m just an incredible Drake in service to the City Watch. Me and my idiot partner were on patrol when we noticed the smoke. May we come in? I promise we won’t bite.”
“Oh, definitely. Right after work?”
“Our pardons. We have not introduced ourselves. Allow me to correct this mistake. I am Klbkch, Senior Guardsman in the employ of the City of Liscor. This is my partner, also a Senior Guardsman.”
“I am sure you would prefer that. But we are being paid to work, not to enjoy ourselves. Moreover, you are eating all of this Human’s dinner.”
“We can breathe fire. Some of us can, at least.”
“It is not an infection.”
“This is a low-grade healing potion. If you pour it over your injury, it should heal your affliction.”
“That would be a preservation spell. It is quite common among higher-class establishments.”
“Indeed. We would not violate our duty as guardsmen.”
“And not oozing.”
“Is she female? I could not tell with complete accuracy. She sounded so, but I have met few Humans in social settings.”
“To put it succinctly: we saw the fire and decided to investigate.”
“Good job not scaring her.”
“Not if they did not cause it. Intriguing. Was it a magical duel, perhaps? Some high-level spellcasting?”
“Sorry, but can we ask you a few questions about where you’re from? It’s pretty odd to find a Human out here, let alone in an abandoned place like this. Not that we mean to pry, it’s just that it’s kind of our job to ask these questions.”
“Goblins. And by the way, some Wyverns breathe fire too.”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“…You mean you don’t level in this Michigan place?”
“I told you. It’s flattering, but I’m not a Drag—oh.”
“Not you, specifically. Really, it could be anything. We thought it might be a random fire or a few Goblins. If there were some stupid kids, on the other hand, we’d be dragging them back right now since it’s dangerous to stay here. Bandits on the other hand…”
“Only a few Drakes can do it, okay? Not breathing fire is perfectly normal. And some of us can, so there.”
“I can. It’s the things on her chest.”
“Only a few differences, but the animosity between their cultures is—”
“I would gladly partake of nourishment if offered. However, we would not wish to deprive you of your meal.”
“We are still on duty, if you recall. The Captain will be expecting a report. If we do return, we will have more time to socialize.”
“I will accept the pasta and water as well. But may I inquire if you have any more meat-based dishes? Corusdeer, perhaps?”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“Michigan? I’m not familiar with that city. Or is it a nation…? Is that north of here? Over the mountains, maybe? On this continent?”
“They have to teach Humans how to level? Weird.”
“Shut up. Ahem. We were just sent here to make sure no Goblins or nasty creatures started living here. We’ve got no problem with Humans. Well, at least the non-violent kind.”
“Go roast yourself.”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“Indeed. And I must apologize again, but our true intent in coming here was to ascertain the danger posed here.”
“Now what? I do not believe breaking and entering would be appropriate at this moment.”
“Be quiet. I’m in a good mood now.”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Razorbeaks. Go on, Miss.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“…So someone on the walls spotted the smoke and called it in. Since it didn’t seem like a grassfire and since we knew this place was abandoned years ago, the Captain decided to send someone to check it out.”
“But you cooked it, then? Do you have levels in a [Chef] class, then?”
“Please, I mean no harm. But your hand. May I see it?”
“Shut up, Klbkch!”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“I will pass for the moment. We should get down to business rather than partake of food.”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“Fine. Antinium. Happy?”
“We’re still cool, right?”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“Please, believe me. It will heal you.”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“Indeed. There is no law against occupying this area.”
“Yeah. You, um, called me a lizard person, right?”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“Move over. Let me show you how it’s done.”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“Why don’t you shut up and let me talk? Look, Miss Human. You’re probably not sick if you’re still walking around.”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“We wouldn’t?”
“Um. Sorry about that. Really. But, uh, can we talk about that name?”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“So four levels in…? That’s too bad. But you’re young; leveling takes time after all.”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“What? It’s a great power!”
“Actually, the plague symptoms manifested themselves as—”
“It’s just a possibility. This, uh, place is sort of bad. For your health.”
“Thank you—ow!”
“And this blue juice tastes good!”
“Shut up. Are you trying to scare her?”
“Well, to begin with, may we inquire where you come from?”
“Ooh, nasty. What happened there? Looks like a bad cut. Were those Goblins?”
“Ooh! Pasta! This is good stuff!”
“In a moment. Let’s eat first. This looks good!”
“Good evening, Miss Human. I was wondering if my colleague and I could take up a moment of your time—”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“It matters not. I require sustenance. Food. Provide that to me, and I shall be on my way.”
“I do not wish to become angry.”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“I will not be denied. Open this door or face my wrath.”
“Mistress. All I ask for is a bit of food. Provide me that and I shall be on my way.”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“A pity. But I will have you provide me with sustenance nevertheless.”
“A visitor.”
“This is unwise. Your insolence will only bring about more punishment.”
“No.”
“She can eat my scales. Let’s go and get this over with.”
“Do not anger me further. If you refuse my simple request, I will—”
“What a pain. Let’s smack some scales-for-brains quick. Maybe we’ll still have time to go to the inn afterwards.”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“Give me what I desire. Or I shall—”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“There. I have signed us both out. Again.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“Don’t insult the Watch Captain while we are within earshot.”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“You know we will be called upon to go after those who got away. And there is damage assessment, guard detail, investigating any burglaries during the violence…”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“Maybe the poison is making the fruit like—wetter? Or it’s making the fruit weaker?”
“Senior Guardsman Relc, belay that! There’s a brawl in the marketplace. Get over there and stop the fighting!”
“Alright, let’s go. Man, I really hate Captain Z.”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“Shut up and get moving! I need everyone there, now.”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“What? Some idiot had to start a fight now of all times? We were going to go back and—”
“Do not fret. The Human will not be going anywhere.”
“A pity. Let’s be on our way.”
“No?”
“Great. Thanks. Now, wanna go check on that Human? I hear—”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“…Necromancy.”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I’m sure mages are really scary when they’re far away, but wands aren’t good at blocking frying…pots.”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“What else could it be? I’ve played D&D.”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you’ll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I’ll feed you. Try to scare me and I’ll hit you harder next time.”
“Come back here and I’ll feed you.”
“If I say it’s a pan, it’s a pan. The important part is that I’ll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I’ve met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn’t try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“This. This is a pan.”
“You’re sweating.”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I’ll break something.”
“Yeah. It’s been fun and games ever since.”
“Try that again and I’ll hit you harder.”
“Some people don’t like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“Pisces, practitioner of magic, student of Wistram Academy, specialized in the Elementalist and Illusionary schools of magic with additional competencies in multiple spell schools.”
“So. You’re gonna hurt me if I don’t give you food, huh?”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“One does what one must to survive.”
“And anyways, I didn’t see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting ‘abracadabra’. And there aren’t wizards where I—I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“So, if I might inquire, what is a delicate flower of effervescence doing in such a locale?”
“I know what plebian means.”
“Ah, but money is so…mundane. Where would the enjoyment in life be without variety?”
“I suppose the toxicity would be acceptable if it were just the fruit. Well then.”
“Fine. I suppose there’s no use attempting to impress anyone who actually has the rudiments of an education. But my question remains: what’s a young g—woman like you doing out here alone?”
“The locals don’t like Humans that much. Which is a fact anyone in a hundred miles would know. This is the border to the Drake lands to the south. But you…didn’t know that, did you?”
“Are you aware that, ah, this fruit is poisonous?”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn’t have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“Highly. The core of the Amentus Fruit causes painful death within hours if eaten. While the outer rind is safe for consumption, the inner seeds are toxic. You are aware of this, right?”
“Fascinating. That has to be a very high-level phenomenon or artifact. Seamless teleportation without any visual cues and even sensation at that range? Not even our Archmages could…fascinating indeed.”
“No, no. I have no clue what kind of magic would be capable of that, if any. That sounds like a spell which—well, suffice it to say I know of only a few living mages who might even attempt such a feat. But if you were the target, it still makes no sense. Why would anyone waste such a powerful spell on someone as mundane as…as…”
“You would not be so quick to judge if you knew more about the people you’re defending. Especially this city.”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“Now look here, there’s no need for violence, Miss. I can see that you are no ordinary plebian fool but an extraordinary plebian. Believe me when I say that is a high compliment from a practitioner of the arcane such as I.”
“This area is known as the Floodplains of Liscor. It’s because of a lovely natural phenomenon of the geography and—but you aren’t from here, if you don’t know about this area. But I would have guessed as much since you are Human. As far as I can tell.”
“Ah, this is understandable. But may I remind you that traditionally those who practice magic are beings of great power that should not be crossed?”
“Look, it’s safe. I’ve eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you’ll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“So. You’re paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“What are you talking about? I’m giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Yes, you. I told you why I’m here. What’s a raggedy mage doing scaring people for food?”
“How rude. My advanced lexicon and diction is merely a result of my education, not a façade that—”
“I, ah, came here to expand my horizons. This part of the continent—well, the local collection of city-states are quite hospitable to those people trying to avoid undue attention. Besides, food is plentiful if one has certain skills.”
“It’s not mine. I just found it and somehow became an [Innkeeper] by cleaning up around here.”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“Lost? It takes quite some skill to wander this far into the Floodplains. Or are you a local? I very much doubt you are, though.”
“You truly didn’t? Well, well. A traveller who doesn’t know anything about where she is…teleportation spell? Amnesia magic?”
“You struck me? Me? How dare you! I will have you know I am a mage of great power, and I will not be—”
“It’s common. Well, not common exactly, but it’s the only explanation I can think of. Back in the Academy…it was not an unheard of phenomenon. I suppose you could have also been carried off by one of the local avian species, but they tend to drop their prey and chew their bones.”
“Ah. Of course. Well, as a practitioner of the mystic arts, I feel it is always wise to be…generous.”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I’ve checked them.”
“Shall we just say I accept your word? I wouldn’t dare question your authority on the subject, good Mistress, it’s just that—”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“How astute. She’s quite intelligent for an [Innkeeper].”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“And I suppose if I don’t, you hit me with that pot, correct?”
“Harshly put, good Mistress. But yes, I would like to make amends. Let us be quits with no further unpleasantness! Or violence. And I am sure this payment is quite acceptable, is it not?”
“And you’re an expert on [Teleportation] spells? I see.”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I’ve also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Well, if you have no further need of me…I did pay for my misdeeds, after all. Rather handsomely, I might add, given that no harm was actually done except to my person. So I won’t intrude any fu—”
“Ahem. Well, I shall be going. I am—terribly sorry for all that. It was just, ah—a spell which I—desperate times make fools of us all. And clearly, not you. Which is why I shall depart and not trouble you again.”
“Yes, well. I see you’ve established yourself quite nicely. This is—is quite a lovely establishment you’ve founded. Very quaint.”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Well, eat this.”
“Really? You just turned a corner and you were in a completely different place?”
“Indeed. That is quite often the case. However, you seem to have taken to it well. This area is inhospitable to most Humans.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it’s so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“They grow that big? No; don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But you’re right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn’t feel like a spell, but…”
“I, uh, hope this is sufficient, good Mistress. I am of course willing to pay any dues to—to make amends, but I’m slightly low on coin at the moment.”
“I see I’ve overstayed my welcome. Well, your meal was quite adequate, good Mistress. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude.”
“I’m not. But I’ll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“Do I have the option to refuse?”
“Only on occasion. And I quite understand your irate feelings. However, since I believe all is settled, I shall just…”
“Fair point. Let me just amend my fee.”
“In fact, good Mistress, that is in point of reality—”
“Just answer the question.”
“My apologies, good [Innkeeper], for all these misunderstandings. Please accept this recompense for your wasted time.”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“You—you could tell it was an invisibility spell?”
“Fascinating as in ‘I know what spell that was?’”
“Me? Oh, I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“How’d you guess? Actually, you’re only half-right, but how’d you guess?”
“It occurs to me that I never asked your name.”
“What—who dares—?”
“Oh really?”
“Would, ah, this do?”
“Ah. Am I supposed to eat this?”
“I got lost.”
“A rogue [Necromancer] on the loose does nasty things. Even a low-level one can bring down villages if you give him enough dead bodies, and they level fast when that happens. Damn, I’m not going to be the one who let the next Az’kerash get away, Klb. We’re gonna have to hunt this guy down. If we can’t catch him today, I’ll have the Captain send out multiple patrols once we get back to the city. Erin, we have to go, but I think you’re safe if that guy didn’t do anything last time.”
“No. I’d be able to sense if he were within a few feet of me. This was an illusion spell. A damn clever one, too. He pretended he was here and walked off while we were busy chatting. Most idiot spellcasters aren’t that stealthy or…when did he creep off? Klb, it was when you let go of him! I didn’t even see the chair move—damn, the chair’s an illusion too! Normally I can hear idiots skulking around even on the battlefield! This bastard tricked me! Me!”
“Okay. Here’s what I’m thinking. Me and my friend here will drag you out back, beat you with sticks or rocks for a while, and then drag you back to the city for a reward. Then we’ll give half to our lovely innkeeper here. Sound good?”
“Last I checked, you were within arm’s reach. That means your fancy spells aren’t going to do a thing before I hit you hard enough to make your brains pop out. Trust me. I’ve done it before.”
“Well, well. Theft of a corpse and reanimation, no doubt. That’s another big mark on the list of charges. But necromancy, well, that also means we don’t have to bring you back alive anymore.”
“Humans. You’re so arrogant and crazy. It’s almost funny. If you’re so full of powerful magic, dodge this.”
“How about you do the magic spell where you turn into a monster? I’d love to see that. Or better yet, do you have a spell to get out of trouble? Because you’re going to need one now.”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“Do not move. You are under arrest for intimidation and attempted theft. Remain still. Any sudden moves will result in bodily harm.”
“Yes, yes. But we’ll just hit you and drag you back so Miss Erin doesn’t see anything nasty. But you’re in serious trouble now, Mister [Necromancer].”
“I paid no attention. The plebian masses are a burden to be endured; I bear no ill will to the misinformed or ignorant for their rudeness.”
“Spoken like a truly ignorant fool. What would you know of magical mastery? My powers may not lie in mere confrontation, but I assure you, I have more power in my fingernails than you have in your entire brutish body.”
“You’re still under arrest. I can hit you. It’s only because I’m being considerate of Miss Solstice here that I don’t. But I will. If you don’t shut up.”
“Well, he’s right. We do have Skills. They’re part of our classes, although in my case I’ve got [Dangersense]. But I’m also a former soldier. And Klb? He’s the Slayer. We can tell you’re not hot stuff, Human.”
“And necromancy.”
“Peh. You should drink. It’ll be the last tasty thing you eat for a long time. Actually, what am I saying? This stuff’s way too good for you. Just remember what you’re missing when we lock you away.”
“We thought he was just an illusionist. That’s annoying, but really all he can do is scare folks into giving him things. But a necromancer’s worse. Far worse. We could let him go if he was just a normal [Mage], but we’ve got to find him now, and he knows it.”
“We’ve been looking for you, Mister Mage. Or should I say, the scary creature that threatens travellers and people living by themselves? You’ve been stealing food and money for nearly a month. There’s even a bounty on your head, which I’d love to collect.”
“No one insults me regularly. Except Watch Captain Z and Klb, come to think of it. People like me. Everyone likes us. We’ve got a special job.”
“We’re no soldiers. We’re [Guardsmen]. And we’ve been looking for the bastard who’s been robbing homes with illusion spells.”
“Pardon me. I would not dare to interrupt such august personages such as yourself. Please, proceed.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“[Detect Guilt] is a basic Skill most [Guardsmen] get. I can sense your guilt, which is enough for me to justify this arrest.”
“It’s not just a job. It’s a highly prestigious job! Not just anyone can be part of the city guard, let alone a Senior Guard.”
“A keen observer would discern his opponent’s weaknesses and strengths and make assumptions based on their actions and ability. These two, on the other hand, are just using a Skill.”
“Don’t worry, Miss. He’s no threat or we’d have taken him out when we first realized who he was. He looked more dangerous than he turned out to be. You see, both of us can tell if we’re in danger or the enemy is strong. This idiot couldn’t even use [Flash Step] properly!”
“Or destroying us in a number of ways. The lack of lightning falling from the sky or [Fireballs] confirms this.”
“Like dead bodies.”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“I am a powerful [Mage] far beyond your capabilities. Even if your paltry Skills cannot detect my—capabilities—you would do well to be wary of my hidden…capabilities.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“Oh, sorry we forgot to pay. We’re in a hurry so—put it on our tab!”
“Really. See, we’ve gotta get at least fifty ordinary citizens to vouch for us before we’re sworn in. And to become Senior Guardsmen like us, you’ve got to get at least four hundred. Impressive, right?”
“Thank you for informing us of his class, Mistress Erin. Although he posed no threat to either Relc or I, he is far more dangerous than we had believed. I did not notice the illusion spell. I have grown inattentive, lax. Relc as well, but this is a critical failing on my part.”
“Signed up? Can you believe this? Humans.”
“Oops. Sorry, did I scare you? I forgot normal people aren’t used to that. Don’t worry—I never miss when I throw.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“Aren’t I the better-looking one here? What gives?”
“Okay, that’s it. Close your eyes, Miss—”
“Regardless if you know my identity or not, I still believe you will find capturing me no easy task.”
“Yes, we wouldn’t want to ruin the enjoyment of mindless thugs like yourself.”
“You multiplied. Can Humans do that?”
“And speaking of which…we’ve gotta go. It’s my day off, but we’ll report that annoying Human maggot-mage back at the barracks. If we move fast, we might get him before he runs too far.”
“Fascinating. But it’s still the elevated status of a common enforcer when all is said and done, isn’t it?”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Gotcha. Tried to run from me, did you? No one ever gets away.”
“Oh, he’s probably as dangerous as a frog in a fight. That’s not the problem.”
“If you can.”
“Relax. I would prefer not to damage this establishment. Nor would the owner or even you, I suspect.”
“But he’s Human.”
“Don’t worry, miss. We’ll do the punching outside where you don’t have to see.”
“What? How come you remembered this idiot’s name and not mine?”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“…What tab?”
“Yeah, but he called me a common thug. I want to punch him for that.”
“Right. Good. Anyways, we’re the ones with weapons, and you’re just a [Mage]. Not a high-level one either or you’d be teleporting away.”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“You are lying.”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“Look, I’m not sure what Humans do, but in our city, the city watch isn’t like mercenaries or personal bodyguards. We don’t just sign up. We have to be voted in.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“I believe Humans have more limited eyesight than you or I.”
“Look, the city’s that way. It’s only a twenty-minute walk, and there aren’t many monsters along the way. Besides, once you get within a few miles, the area is regularly patrolled, so you won’t have any problems. And if those idiots at the gate stop you—which they won’t—just tell them you know me.”
“Indeed you will. This is an affront!”
“Perhaps if you explained our function more properly there would be no need for outrage. Clearly, the nature of guardspeople differs culturally. I thought Humans did it quite similarly in the north, but…elaborate, Relc.”
“Ah. I see the good [Innkeeper] holds a grudge. Well, I’m not sure what she told you two, but I assure you, I have compensated her more than adequately for my…mistake. It’s nothing two soldiers need concern themselves with.”
“With magic, how else? Some shortsighted fool must have cast a localized weather control spell. Impressive, I suppose, but clumsy in execution. As for magical rain—have you never observed glowing rain in any color? Magical typhoons? Ah…raining toads?”
“Not entirely. I do believe my companion would earn a small fee for directing any business to his associates.”
“Do you want something? I don’t do magic upon request. If you seek a certain spell, I would be happy to discuss my remunerations…later.”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“How discourteous. I believe I shall bring my business elsewhere next time.”
“Oh, but it is, it is! And you’re wrong, by the way.”
“I believe that may be a Human standard.”
“Or me. However, you should encounter no problems. Only those with past records of crime are unwelcome in Liscor.”
“I do not believe she can, in point of fact.”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“Seldom. It is a seasonal weather pattern to rain like this in the spring. Fall downpours like these are an aberration. Normally, I would not hazard a guess at how long the rain would fall, but someone has been interfering with the weather. So we’ll have a brief storm, that’s all. Hardly anything as memorable as magical rain.”
“Sorry. Again. But…you said rob? As in, that guy over there tried to rob you?”
“I did not say specialization is absent from the magical world. Rather, shall we say that those are titles for mages who meet certain requirements? A [Wizard] is an arcane researcher and true student of the arcane arts. Such individuals are similar to myself, but prefer to study the mainstream branches of magic. [Sorcerers], on the other hand, are quite simplistic and refer to those who use no spellbooks and have little formal education. [Warlocks] obtain their powers from other sources such as summoning, while [Witches] practice alchemy along with specialized schools of magic. Their…very peculiar magic, which is so rooted in folklore. Nevertheless, [Mage] remains the generally accepted title to refer to all those who practice magic as a catchall moniker…”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“I have studied countless schools of magic. You see before you a practitioner of the elements, a weaver of illusions, a refined chanter, a master of alchemy, pyromancy, aeromancy, geomancy—”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“Good morning everyone! Weird Ant behind me, friendly Human, and—oh.”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“I believe she is saying insults to our position are quite common.”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“And…you let him come back for breakfast?”
“…You mean, you don’t know? By the way, things look smaller in the distance, Miss Solstice.”
“And you didn’t think to report him to anyone?”
“If we’re done with the lovely chatting, my glass is empty. Isn’t attending to one’s customers part of my service?”
“He’s not my friend.”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“I am merely pointing out the truth.”
“It’s not a rock. Why are you having a hard time believing me? Can’t you see the buildings?”
“Alas, I did not anticipate an arrest, and my gear is signed out at the barracks. I am without manacles or spell-bind rope. We shall have to be attentive with its lack. Unless Miss Solstice has anything to bind him with?”
“I am completely innocent—utterly so. These baseless accusations are false and—”
“I am unsure of when he left. He may have escaped only a few minutes ago. We may still catch him if we hurry.”
“Plus, we already know all about you and your crimes.”
“Ahem. Of course, that is how the phenomenon actually occurs. But the impetus is largely magical…I see you know your way around some natural events. This particular storm will not be raining any creatures, however. It truly was someone simply sending unwanted rain our way. It may be a scandal, although given how the Drake cities squabble—I detected it from the south. Perhaps as far as Pallass.”
“Nice customer you’ve got here.”
“Such as?”
“Good throw, huh?”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“Too bad!”
“Wrong? Why would it be wrong?”
“Do we have rules like that?”
“Yeah. We’ve got to keep it on us at all times. Some guys wear it on their chests, but it can get ripped off. Besides…”
“The fee was extorted under duress.”
“Very true. Our absence was most lamentable. But allow us to perform our duty now. Incidentally, Mistress Solstice, the pasta was delicious.”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“What? That’s stupid.”
“Don’t be snippy. But it’s easy to spot. Look, you can even see it out the window here.”
“Aha. Accept my apologies. But if you are referring to one of my exalted brethren, mage is the best term to use.”
“Yes. And it’s not as if this is a particularly difficult task. I realize it may look so to the uninitiated, but a spell like this could easily be cast by a level 30 [Mage]. Less, I suppose, if the individual were specialized.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Merely another branch of magic, good Mistress Erin. I note you don’t have the same aversion as a less-informed fool. Let me assure you—”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“Well, you’ve got the Skill for it, so it’ll be a breeze. And you can buy a hammer no problem. Just head down to the city, and you can get a good one for only a silver coin or two. Tell you what, if you’re ever in the area, I’ll help you get one at a discount.”
“That’s quite useful! Most craftsman and artisan classes get that early on. I guess [Innkeepers] are sorta like that, right? Got to take care of the inn, repair windows, fix tables, and all that.”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“Do not be alarmed. I mean you no harm.”
“Doesn’t stick so well on scales. Anyways, we’ve gotta pay a fine if we lose it, so why risk it, right? I only need it when I want to prove who I am or pull rank, anyways.”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“We should be able to cover the distance in approximately ten minutes if we run.”
“If you would be so kind. Thank you, Miss Erin. It is Klbkch, but you may refer to me as Senior Guardsman if that is simpler.”
“Less than an hour, but we won’t be able to stay. Sorry. I’ll try to get the patrol out faster, but you know how it is. We’ve got to shift around guardsmen on patrol, set trackers, get armed up, etc.”
“Shut up. Do you have to ruin everything I say?”
“I would be delighted to try the blue fruit. I believe my tongue-tied partner would like some as well.”
“The fee was extorted under duress.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“And me. A second plate and a refill of my drink, if you would.”
“I believe staring is considered rude in most cultures. Sit down and cease your rudeness.”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“No—no need, good Mistress Solstice. I am quite satisfied at the moment.”
“My specialization lies in other areas.”
“You asked. I was merely fulfilling my role as a guest.”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“I would be only too happy to. But I fear I was quite parched, and if you would be so good…?”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“So we’ve gotta go. Why? Are you worried he’ll attack you?”
“Oh, good. I got worried there for a second.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“Is this place open? Do you provide sustenan—food? I pay, I eat?”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“Indeed. It is unfortunate we must leave so soon. Our apologies, Miss Solstice.”
“Please excuse my companion’s lack of tact.”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“Well, yeah. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Well…stop it.”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“Ah. Eh. Um, what I meant was—”
“Oh, really?”
“Actually, I would prefer—”
“Really?”
“Indeed. It has been nice to make your acquaintance.”
“Humans. They’re so—”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“A pity. But we shall do without.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Klbkch, got anything to tie him up with?”
“Ten a what?”
“Please pardon our intrusion. Is this establishment open for business?”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“Can you?”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“Right, well. It’s still not—okay.”
“Ooh, pasta!”
“So, how’re you doing? Level up again?”
“Ooh, congratulations! Did you get a new skill?”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“It happens quite often. A natural weather phenomenon, you know.”
“Um. Very well. Are you open today?”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“Greetings, good Mistress. I was wondering if I could impose upon you—”
“As I said, not that impressive. Many mages could cast a spell like this.”
“The term is mage, good Mistress.”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“Like who?”
“What the—”
“Why?”
“The city? What about it?”
“What?”
“Hey, Klbkch, coming?”
“Ah.”
“About what?”
“Gone.”
“Hey, you!”
“Really?”
“Really?”
“Relc.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“My thanks.”
“Y-yeah.”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“Right. Food. I’ll have some.”
“What do you want?”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“And a plate?”
“I would like to peruse your menu if I m—”
“You. This establishment.”
“Another drink if you would. My cup has run dry.”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“If I might trouble you for a knife and fork—”
“Yeah, it’s great! Hold on.”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“I have only ever done what I loved. Slay me as well, you thoughtless fools. Just like all of my kind. One day—one of us will follow Az’kerash.”
“That’s what I think of your spells. I’m a former soldier of the 4th Wing of the Liscorian Army. I’ve killed more [Mages] than you have levels. Now, are you going to die quiet or will I have to pay for painting the walls red with your blood?”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal. There are laws, and you have to follow them. If this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you could get a permanent citation on your record.”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“Nice last words. But remember—your Necromancer died here. Miles from this very spot. The Tidebreaker was his end.”
“Not likely. I’m gutting you like a fish right here.”
“He didn’t want to tell you the truth! But he and I both know what happens to [Necromancers]. We—any mage possessing even a single level in the class—are all killed on sight in this part of the world! There’s no mercy for my kind here. The legacy of the Necromancer of Terandria, Az’kerash, lingers. Especially here, where his armies once sieged Liscor.”
“…I believe I am incorrect. Relc, the Watch has no authority here. This is an independent inn, and the [Innkeeper] is allowed to deny our authority here.”
“Prove it.”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“Still don’t care. I don’t need money if I can get rid of a stinking fleshbag like you.”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there’s no reason for you to arrest him.”
“That would be inadvisable, Relc. We are off-duty, and Miss Solstice has stated her case. Executing a [Mage] of Wistram might also affect the Academy’s relationship with our city. Which the Council and Watch Captain would not be happy about.”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“Males.”
“Please, I beg of you. Just one night. Just give me sanctuary, and I swear I will be gone upon the morrow. It is my death without your aid. Would you kill me? I ask you as a fellow Human. Please.”
“Are you serious? One word to our Watch Captain and she’ll send a patrol back to capture this idiot! And if we don’t arrest him, you have a [Necromancer] running around! You want us to let him go knowing his class?”
“I was, in fact, upstairs the entire time. Under a bed. It was the simplest solution given the intelligence of those two brutish guardsmen.”
“By that? You think a piddly little [Barrier of Air] spell is going to stop me?”
“Innocent? You? You’re nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you’re getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you’d better be long gone from here. And if you don’t leave now, I’ll kick you out myself.”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“But he’s still a [Necromancer]! That’s a crime no matter what he does! And he attacked us!”
“I could still arrest him for attacking me. Yeah. I’ll just do that. Who cares about testimony or whatever?”
“Of course I wouldn’t do that. I’m no barbarian—”
“However. As Senior Guardsman Klbkch, I will vouch for my partner to take this Human into custody for unlawful practices which include extortion, theft, and intimidation, which we have every right to suspect, with or without your testimony.”
“Last words, [Mage]?”
“I can’t believe this. Are you defending him? Because he’s Human? Or do you not want the blood in here? In that case, I’ll take him out back and—”
“If I am caught, they will take me to the city. And there I will be judged and killed. This is a certainty, Mistress Erin.”
“Ah, but what good innkeeper would deprive herself of such a magnificent guest?”
“You take one step in the city and I’ll—I’ll—you take one step in there and I’ll do something about it. If I so much as see you on my patrol—”
“Wait—what did she just say? Jurisdic—we don’t do that, do we, Klb? Buddy?”
“Do not mind him. You are within your rights to enforce law within this establishment as you choose. I apologize for the mess on both our behalves.”
“I believe Senior Guardsman Relc does have just cause, Miss Erin Solstice. It is true that his personal sworn testimony would be called into question if you were to speak against him. [Detect Truth] spells would settle that matter, but Relc’s history of inappropriate conduct on-and-off-duty does not help his case.”
“Then I’ll arrest him, and he’ll be executed tomorrow. Happy?”
“I am a man in desperate straits. You would do well not to underestimate what I am capable of.”
“Humans!”
“Antagonizing one of my power is unwise. If you have any sense, you will accede to my request. Or know the consequences.”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“I—I seek no quarrel with you. I am a graduate of Wistram Academy and a practicing mage. You detain me at your peril.”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re all wrong, Klbkch.”
“I will cease all magic and go with you quietly if you assure my life. I meant no harm to you or your companion. But we are at an impasse until you do.”
“I assure you, my life is worth far more than you would ever get for me dead. This can all be solved amicably. I will fully cooperate—”
“Regardless of your affiliation to any academy, you are still under arrest. Please surrender now or I will be forced to employ lethal force.”
“Absolutely.”
“So it would appear.”
“Klb! Get over here and help! This guy’s slipperier than he looks!”
“I assure you I would be a quite convivial guest. And I wouldn’t ask for much. In fact, you may be interested to know I am proficient in multiple schools of spellcasting. While necromancy is a—passion of mine, I have extensively studied the elementalist, illusory, and enchanting schools of magic. My level is over twenty in the general [Mage] class. Even amongst my fellow students, you would be hard-pressed to find a spellcaster as widely capable as I am. I can aid in a number of functions that would improve your inn. And I have money.”
“What? Then let’s arrest her too!”
“Is useless. Surrender.”
“He hit me with lightning!”
“I can be ransomed. Quite highly! My school will pay ten—thirty gold coins in whichever denomination you like for my return.”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“She is correct. Without her testimony, we cannot submit a report regarding his attempted thefts.”
“Even if you’re in danger, I’m in danger if I hide you. I’m not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I’m barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“Then go. Now.”
“In point of fact, my comrade’s actions are not—”
“Shut up.”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“Out.”
“They will have patrols out around the city. They will scour the grasslands for me. Please, if you were to hide me, I would be sure to survive.”
“No. Out.”
“Except here.”
“Out.”
“I know.”
“Well—well too bad.”
“Stop moving! Hey!”
“I do not believe I am.”
“That is well. Then, please stand clear. We will be going about our business, and I would not wish you hurt.”
“Please, hear me out. Rest assured, I bear you no ill will for reporting my actions to the guard. I fully appreciate the severity of my crimes, however—”
“Please, spare my life. If you have any pity in your soul—”
“Please forgive my rudeness. Are you well? We doubled back and lingered, knowing the criminal may have only pretended to flee the area. Are you hurt or in need of assistance?”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“Good.”
“No!”
“Now, now. Let’s not be hasty, good Mistress. I was merely saying—”
“Klb—help me out here!”
“Gutting? Hey, that’s—”
“He’s a criminal.”
“I assure you, you will never see—”
“No, I can’t.”
“You can’t do that!”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“Relc never said—”
“I don’t know how I can thank you, good M—Miss Erin. Please, accept my humblest—”
“—Allow me to apologize. But if I might say a few words—”
“Hey!”
“Please, please, good Mistress, let’s not be hasty!”
“Gotcha!”
“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear you come in through the door.”
“Please, please reconsider.”
“There you are!”
“In point of fact, I was wondering if I might persuade you to shelter and provide me with my basic necessities while in this moment of dire need. I can provide you with adequate recompense, I assure you—”
“Desist your actions or—”
“I—I give up.”
“So I’m in trouble.”
“Good job, I guess. But they’re still going to find you. You’re a criminal, and you’ve got nowhere to hide.”
“No. Go.”
“You squirming—”
“But he’s—”
“Can she?”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“I—I—”
“Surrender?”
“Don’t be hasty!”
“I—”
“Aren’t there some more blue fruits around here? Here? No…here? Yep. Nice and wrinkled. Lovely.”
“You what?”
“Cooperate?”
“Are you—what’s—I’m good. Good.”
“Gewil—”
“What?”
“No.”
“My magic—”
“What?”
“And I’m out of ingredients.”
“Would you turn away an innocent—”
“And you’re telling me all this…why?”
“What?”
“You. You’re stinking up this place with dirt and filth. I can smell the things you’ve rolled in. You haven’t washed in—dead gods. I’m covered in Shield Spider guts and you smell worse! Take a bath before you come back here.”
“I don’t like Humans. They smell. You smell like garbage. Like rancid oil and flames and things that turn my stomach. And Goblins and dust and mold.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“Drassi! This is the eleventh time this week! I’ve told you again and again, stop gossiping. I don’t care what your class is—enough. You’re friendly, but you’re also fired.”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“What, the Mage’s Guild? You can’t read, Miss Human? Right, you don’t read Drake script. Are you looking for the Mage’s Guild? Runner’s Guild? Adventurer’s Guild? An inn to stay in? Stables? The Watch, maybe? I’m Drassi.”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“Typical. You go for the top half because the antlers are worth money to the [Alchemists]. Nevermind the intestines being good for sausage or all the organs like the liver and—stop growling at me. I know, Shield Spiders. Damn it. Alright…let me check the quality of the meat. Give me a few minutes. And get a bucket of water and wash yourself off. You’re going to attract Acid Flies.”
“If you’ve got a bounty—Shield Spiders—I’ll process it now. But this Human was just asking directions. You can’t just kick someone out who—”
“—by the tribes and fur knots. All the lice in Izril! All the lice in Izril and—and Raskghar on these stupid paving stones!”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“I dropped it once, okay? It’s not bad, no! And as for cutting it in half—I thought I saw a Shield Spider nest near me. They would have been over the kill—and me—in minutes. The hide’s fine. You can make boots out of what’s here. How much for it all?”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“—broke up again. Hawk can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a month, Courier and gold or not. It’s his obsession with vegetables.”
“A Human? We haven’t seen one of them in…I wonder if another trade caravan’s getting here?”
“Hold on, now. She’s just lost.”
“Well, I can’t leave the desk, but I can give you some directions. No wonder you were lost—you can’t read any of the signs, can you? Your people normally stick to the north; Esthelm’s as far as most get. What brings you out so far? Oh, and what are you looking for?”
“Well, if it’s food and general supplies you’re looking for, try the market two streets down from here. To get to it, just take a left as you walk out of here and then turn right, and you’ll be there in no time. They’d also have some clothes there, but I’m not sure if they have any made for Humans. What kind of teleportation spell did that? You mean, people teleportation? Gone wrong? That would be a huge scandal. Anyways, the market will have everything you need.”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“I don’t want Humans in here. You don’t belong.”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“Begone.”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“Er…apologies, Miss Human. We don’t see many of your kind around here, yes? A [Trader], a traveller? No need to apologize. [Broader Shoulders] means only I can carry a deer back! Half of one, at any rate. If only I had a bag of holding large enough for an entire deer, eh? I wouldn’t make a Human help me lift one of these!”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“Do I look like a Wolf Beastkin?”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“That’s because Humans can’t smell anything.”
“An [Innkeeper], is it? Are you opening up a business here? Humans almost never move to Liscor. I’m Selys, by the way. I should have said so from the start. My apologies.”
“What? But I can work harder! Come on, Mister Drells…”
“Tribes and tribulations. Excuse me, Miss. Watch the blood. If that [Guardsman] asks…pretend you never saw me. I’ve got to get this to the [Butchers] before the Acid Flies are all over.”
“Humans.”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Humans.”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“Oh no. I’m, uh, an innkeeper. I guess. Or maybe a wanderer? Actually, I’m just new around here.”
“Sorry? Sorry? When this wheel runs over your foot, no healing potion in the world is going to get it back. Do you think I want that on my conscience?”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“You just gave me a damned Corusdeer. Half of one.”
“Oh, I see! No worries, Miss Human. You’re just in the wrong spot, but I can give you directions if you’d like.”
“That’s quite alright. Not everyone needs to use an Adventurer’s Guild. Most never will, hopefully. If you’ve never needed any services, let me give you the basic explanation. Here you can let the Guild know about dangerous monsters in your area, post quests and offer rewards, or if you’re an adventurer yourself, you can go look at assignments or receive your reward.”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“I’m a Gnoll.”
“Where’s the other half? You didn’t skin it first? You’ve ruined the hide—and there’s dirt on this part! Did you drag it back?”
“Get out of the way, you idiot!”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“Are you blind? Stay on the sidewalk! I nearly ran you over!”
“They lied to me.”
“Shoo!”
“Good day, Miss. How can we help you today? Do you have a bounty or request to post? Or are you registering?”
“Didn’t they have one back in your city?”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“Oh, hush. He’s fine. He’s more Drake than you are. I’m just saying—”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a delivery to run. Sidewalk! Use it!”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“This is the Adventurer’s Guild. That lot didn’t tip you off?”
“You’re in my way. This is for adventurers.”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“You sure it’s not him being…him, Drassi?”
“One side, Human! Stop blocking the way!”
“Yes. And?”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“What kind of store?”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“Sorry! We overheard, yes?”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet…I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“Apologies, Miss. Was I in your way?”
“Excuse me, Miss. Are you waiting in line for…?”
“Ah, hello? We can help you over here.”
“Are you a traveller, Miss? Or maybe…an adventurer? Are you here to register?”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“Typical Humans. Walking in here, stinking up the market, and insulting any non-Humans you find. You should be grateful the Guard doesn’t run you out of the city! First that damn [Necromancer] comes here, and now this smelly one that can’t even read.”
“Still, she’s interesting. Erin, or whatever her name is. She makes a mean plate of pasta, let me tell you. And she’s tougher than she looks—I didn’t think any Human could survive out in the Floodplains that long. She’s funny too.”
“They’re interesting and entertaining, but they don’t have much inside their fleshy heads. I’d never trust a Human to have my back. Drakes stick together and Humans do their thing in the north, am I right?”
“Two coppers per ear…nah. Stick. Stick. You’ve gotta put them on sticks and—you know what? She can figure out how she wants to mount them.”
“I really didn’t mean it. It’s just—[Necromancers], y’know? They’re dangerous. And it’s best to kill them on sight. You ever seen a thousand zombies trying to eat anything in sight? Even if they’re low-level, even if they play nice, I could never trust a [Necromancer].”
“Hey, I’m telling the truth here. Little Miss Human isn’t that bad. You should meet her. But let me tell you, she can also be pretty annoying. Remember that [Necromancer] guy I told you me and Klbkch tracked down? She wouldn’t let us kill him even after he blasted us both with a few spells. Just kept saying that he wasn’t that bad.”
“It’s not often I get to rescue a damsel in distress. That’s what they call Human females, right? Damsels? Anyways, I saw you were in trouble, so I immediately rushed to help.”
“Right, right. Well, if you remembered his face, I could find who sold you all that, but I doubt anyone’d bear witness against him. And there’s not much for me to go on. I mean, he sold you overpriced goods but it was your fault as well. No offense meant, Miss, but how’d you trade a gold coin for a sack or two of flour?”
“Everything would be so much simpler if she could read. Was that too much to ask?”
“It was nothing. They’re no threat to me or anyone with a few levels in any warrior class. But don’t worry about those pests. I said I’d make it up to you, didn’t I? I’ll do something about them.”
“Got you bastards. You can’t run from Relc! Damn, I thought there were three of you? Whatever. If Erin doesn’t love this—now I need to find some wood. Damn. I should be having dinner!”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“I still don’t get it. There’s no scales, nothing firm to grab. What’s the point?”
“No. If Klbkch can do it, so can I. Anything that damn bug can do I can do better. But hey, what’s this about a Human? Is it that female one I was telling you about?”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“Hey! Slither off, you little bastards!”
“But that’s what you think.”
“Really? What kind of rotscale sold you—why did you spend that much money?”
“Hey, Miss Human! Wait! I didn’t mean it!”
“Yeah. He said she was really annoying. And she talked too much.”
“I hear they roll around in their own filth.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Human, I have a business to run and a store to manage! Either pay me my price or be gone. You won’t find a better offer in this market.”
“Sausages. Mm. But hey, why didn’t you buy any clothes? I thought all females loved clothes, Drake or Human.”
“Don’t touch. You’ll stink it up with your Human smell.”
“So, how’s my favorite Human doing? Good? Bad? Um. I, uh, don’t suppose you heard what I was saying. It was just a joke, really. I didn’t mean…”
“Okay, okay. So they weren’t that dangerous. And I was just doing my job; true. But I am sorry. Really. I said too much back there.”
“Look, I’m still really sorry about before. I didn’t mean—well, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“Right at the start. Did you see her expression? Relc’s not gonna have an easy time explaining that.”
“You, Human! If you’re looking for a bargain, shop here!”
“I’ll bet. No wonder you don’t worry about hurting yourself, you smooth-scaled bastard.”
“It was the last skill I got from my [Sergeant] class. I think you get it in [Spearmaster] as well, but I don’t know. Either way, it’s a life-saver.”
“Anyways, Humans. Haven’t seen one in a long time. Did you see it? So fleshy.”
“Humans. I don’t know why you’re interested in this one. It’s certainly not the smell, to hear Belsc talk.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“If you’re done grubbing in the dirt, I have more customers to serve.”
“Well, I could go back to the market and ask around. But—I don’t suppose you caught the name of the store.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“I can’t read the language here.”
“Then stop flipping. It’s annoying, and you keep nearly hitting people. Remember poor Tkrn the day he signed up? He still flinches whenever he sees a dagger.”
“Yeah. Humans. They don’t wash.”
“Disgusting. Why’s Relc interested in one anyways?”
“No touching the food with your filthy hands unless you’re buying!”
“Oh come on. Don’t be like that. I just—well, it was just me being careless, alright? Let’s talk. Please?”
“Lism!”
“No. I mean, there’s food in here, but that’s only a few silver coins at best. I’m sure you had more than that, right? How much did you spend?”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“Search me. Maybe it’s just Relc. He’s weird.”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“You’ve got no talent for that game. If you didn’t have [Thick Scales], you’d have cut your hand off years ago.”
“Look, I know I was sort of—okay, I was rude, but let’s talk. Hello? Are you listening?”
“Serves him right. But did you smell her?”
“Hello there, Miss Erin. Fancy meeting you here.”
“Belsc—the guy on eastern gate duty—he didn’t say much other than that he thought it was a Human female. What was the name of the one you met?”
“I just gave you my price. Take it or leave it.”
“I don’t have all day to play fetch for you, Human. Just tell me what you want to buy first.”
“I…could help you find what you want. Krshia’s Silverfang Goods. Do you have anything you want or—?”
“Magic. Either that or they’re all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“Where? Two?”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Now, now. Don’t be jealous.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Um. Erin something. Sol? Solace? It was something like that. Erin Solace? Did he mention anything else about her?”
“What, really?”
“What do you want? Name it and I’ll fetch it for you.”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“How long was she here?”
“Stupid Humans.”
“Hrmf. Suit yourself.”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“Why do you think?”
“So. When did you spot her?”
“Well, there are signs. I just can't read them.”
“Yeah, you get used to that.”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“Hey! Miss Erin! Wait!”
“That explains everything. What kind of level do you have to be to get that, anyways? No one else has it, so it must be high level.”
“Right, right. But, uh, good to see you made it to the city. So how’d you like it?”
“So. You bought food, huh? Making lots of pasta tonight?”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“Two gold coins. Eight silver. That will buy you a bag of flour, oil, butter, four sausages, two onions, and a bag of sugar, salt, and yeast.”
“Dunno. She must’ve walked in while you were talking.”
“Until later, Miss Erin.”
“What does it look like, Human?”
“Too bad I never got any dagger skills. I can’t understand how this stupid flipping works.”
“[Iron Scales].”
“That looks heavy. Here, let me carry it for you.”
“Oh, bite me.”
“It’s right there on the sign.”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“I truly hate this world.”
“I don’t want to kill you.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“It’s all just a game.”
“I’ll think. I’ll think for once about it.”
“Checkmate.”
“Checkmate.”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“I didn’t kill them, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Checkmate.”
“——————!”
“Oh Father who art in Heaven…”
“——? ——. ————!”
“I can’t do it.”
“——————? ——?”
“If only it were dying.”
“——!”
“Sorry about that, Miss Erin. You see, I was just disposing of the Goblins. Call it me making up for yesterday. But now that they’re gone, the others should leave you alone, especially once I set these up around the inn. Uh, do you have any sticks? I need some sticks or something.”
“Hey Erin, I’ve just taken care of your Goblin problem for you! Took all damn night, but that’s how much I wanted to apologize. See?”
“Good morning, Miss Human! It’s me, your favorite [Guardsman]! And how are you doing this fine morning?”
“I don’t want to hurt—”