Chapterhopping...
Chapterhopping...
733 quotes (733 spoken, 0 mentions)
“Anyone here? Hello? I need—”
“Okay, okay.”
“No. Darn it. Of course it’s empty.”
“This place is going to kill me! I’m going to choke to death before the rain stops. Someone should clean it up!”
“This is stupid. There’s nothing up there. Nothing!”
“Let’s see. Where should I start, then?”
“It’s not fair. Ever since I came to this world, everything’s been going wrong.”
“…And I guess that someone is me.”
“Okay, maybe there is something. I don’t know. There could be—more of those Goblins? But there’s probably not a Dragon, right? Right! Don’t be stupid.”
“Table’s done! That just leaves—um…”
“I just wanted to go to the bathroom.”
“Besides, this would make for a great place to explore from, and it’s got walls. I’m not going to find anything better, I bet. Then I…”
“But a Dragon could be up there.”
“Well, when you compare it with the tables and chairs…”
“No good. I guess—”
“First things first. I should stay here. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this inn is safe—but it’s dusty. It’s got walls. So I explore. Also, I find something to clean all this stuff up with. I don’t want to use my shirt. Seems like a bad move, but I can’t breathe here without…okay. First steps. Pawn to E4. Pawn to C5. Sicilian Defense. Here we go.”
“So it’s not scary, but terrifying. Great.”
“I’m really hungry.”
“Aha!”
“Dustrag. Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag…”
“At least Mom would be happy.”
“It’s definitely not a dream. But how am I burnt? I could have sworn it missed!”
“Drat.”
“Dustragdustragdustragdustragdustra—”
“Now I’m really, really hungry.”
“Hello? Is…is anyone…?”
“What were those things? G—they sort of looked like—Goblins? No way. This has to be a dream, but my arm hurts too bad for it to be a dream.”
“Darn.”
“Curtains.”
“…What was that?”
“What is this place? An inn? Really?”
“Come on. Come on. You can do this.”
“Dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag, dustrag...”
“Seriously? I leveled up? What is this, a game?”
“Yep. Makes complete sense…”
“Like hell it does!”
“Ow.”
“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”
“Is—is that a tree?”
“…I hate this world.”
“Did I just level up?”
“Got it. Message received.”
“Weird. Grey bark, green leaves, blue fruit. Who dropped the paint bucket on this thing? And why is it so…tough?”
“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”
“I—hate—pull-ups!”
“No. No it can’t be. But a—a Dragon and Goblins and now leveling…this is another world, right? One like Dungeons and Dragons? Or—or a video game?”
“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”
“Is this how I die? Starving to death because I can’t do a pull-up?”
“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world, and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills, and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”
“It’s all hills and valleys! No wonder I couldn’t find anything last night!”
“No. No!”
“Are those…trees?”
“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”
“I’m tired.”
“What the…holy…crab?”
“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”
“Just so long as the grass doesn’t change color overnight, I might have a shot. Looks like it goes purple-orange-yellow and runs right next to the inn. So I can follow that back! Follow the purple-orange-yellow grass road!”
“You…stupid tree!”
“…Am I going to die?”
“Pheh! Hairy!”
“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”
“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”
“Well, what am I hiding from anyways?”
“G-goblins?”
“Hahaha.”
“I can’t even laugh properly right now. Hahahahahaha…ha?”
“It’s like a peach. Not a monster, not a monster…”
“Uh, is…is this the right rock?”
“Oh, you’ve got to be—”
“…Hey. What happened to levels 2 and 3?”
“That is the biggest seed I’ve ever seen. There’s more seed here than fruit!”
“Get closer…no, that’s stupid.”
“Well? Come on!”
“Okay, time to see what’s inside.”
“Huh.”
“Eat this!”
“I hate this world!”
“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”
“Get back!”
“Wow. This tastes really good!”
“…That’s a stupid idea.”
“Boo!”
“Nature calls. I hate nature.”
“Too bad I’m not a streaker, huh?”
“Ha. Haha.”
“Right, food.”
“Right. Knife cuts.”
“Dustrag. Let’s do this.”
“They were eating the blue fruits. So they live nearby. Wonderful. I’m going to run into them again. Which means I need a weapon. Great.”
“Time to find some. Or I’ll die. Whichever comes first.”
“It was there. So if I’m here…there?”
“And if I follow the stream long enough, do I get to an ocean? Or just a lake?”
“Hah! Take that!”
“Just in case. I should also get a bow and arrow or something, right? Too bad I have no idea how to shoot anything. Or have any idea how to carve a bow. You carve bows, right?”
“Goblins.”
“Pheh! Dusty.”
“It’s really hot.”
“Water!”
“Then I’d be eaten by something else. Underwater Goblins, probably.”
“Four minutes. Four minutes is a long time not to be breathing, right? Okay—”
“Discovery three: fish stink.”
“Alright. Can’t go around it. Gotta go under it. Goodbye head, look out belly, here comes the knifey.”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Seriously. Goblins.”
“Firewood. If I could cut the wood away, that is.”
“…With shark teeth. That’s messed up.”
“Was that me?”
“I could drink a Gatorade. Or a Pepsi. I like Coke too, though. What about Pepsi and Coke and Gatorade? Gatorpepcoke? Pegatoroke?”
“…Bath time.”
“A really frickin’ cold bath.”
“…Nope. But wait a second. What about fallen branches? Or—”
“But I won.”
“I wasn’t even dusting for more than—an hour? Two? And it’s all clean.”
“Cogapeptorade?”
“B-being numb would be better than being really cold.”
“Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.”
“Ew. Mutant fish with teeth.”
“Ew. Ew. Ew.”
“…Ow.”
“Pawn…pawn to E4.”
“Right. I need a drink.”
“Where—where was it?”
“Gah! Cold!”
“Fish. Fish with huge teeth. I hate this world so much.”
“Discovery one: fish are heavy.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just…get rid of the bones? And the—the squishy stuff.”
“It hurts.”
“W—wh—”
“…Sushi?”
“There is no way I’m eating that. Cooked or raw. Actually, there’s no way I’m eating any of this without a frying pan.”
“Bandage.”
“And hey, I need food. So it's time to chop stuff up.”
“Discovery two: kitchens have knives.”
“Come on. Get out of there.”
“Screaming is bad. Quiet.”
“When you level in dreams, you level in real life?”
“Weird.”
“Barely. They’re not that dangerous. They’re like kids. And I can beat up tons of kids even with knives. If I’m careful.”
“Sort of clean. You couldn’t eat your dinner off it, I guess. But that’s why we have plates.”
“Feel sick.”
“Hm. So, [Basic Cleaning] was really a skill after all?”
“Or not. Knock on wood.”
“Right. Lunch.”
“Oh. Oh god. Why—why is that yellow? What is that?”
“Ahh. Ah.”
“Pawn to E5. Pawn to F4. Pawn captures F4—King’s Gambit Accepted. Bishop to C4, queen to H4. Check. Bishop’s Gambit. King to F1, pawn to B5. Bryan Counter-gambit. Bishop captures B5, knight moves to F6. Knight moves to F3…”
“Huh.”
“Stupid Goblins.”
“Unless they stab me in my sleep. Or there are lots of them. I’m probably safe if I make sure they can’t get in without me hearing it. I should block every way in but have, like, an escape window.”
“The floor is clean. I am not.”
“The stream!”
“…Huzzah. What a great skill! I mean, I might have to fight off giant crabs and Goblins, but at least I’ll be able to clean the floor while they eat me! I wouldn’t want to leave a mess.”
“Dusty. This is stupid.”
“There’s the rock-crab-thing. Does it eat Goblins?”
“Um. Is it three bars of iron and two sticks to make a pickaxe? Or can I make a wood sword by punching trees? Why couldn’t this be Minecraft instead?”
“Uh. What happened to the dust?”
“Water. Water is water. Because water. Where’s the water?”
“It—it hurts. It really hurts…”
“Monsters, monsters all around. And not one of them looks edible. But at least there’s blue fruit that smells like cleaning fluid. And at least there’s a dusty old inn. And at least I have four levels in innkeeping. Huzzah for me.”
“Aaaaaah!”
“[Basic Cooking]! Give me—baked fish!”
“Come on. Cut. Cut!”
“I get it. It’s a bad day, right?”
“Is that thing made of rocks?”
“Huh. I guess [Basic Cooking] doesn’t work on fish.”
“…Huh?”
“Still hurts.”
“I’ve seen old kitchens in castles. I thought drawers and that kind of stuff only came later. This is, um, steel. Or at least iron. It looks like steel. Did they have a lot of steel in the medieval ages? Knights in armor, duh. But when were cheese graters invented? Is this place in the Dark Ages or past that? And can I get a light bulb somewhere around here?”
“Is someone messing with me?”
“Oh you’ve got to be shi—”
“It’s gone.”
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”
“Is that…flour?”
“Wow. Magic.”
“True, you’ve gotta leave stuff behind when you leave. Can’t carry everything. But you had good food still here. And more, in those other cupboards. And here’s a kitchen full of supplies…how expensive are good, sharp knives?”
“Okay. Okay. What’s the problem? It was just a skeleton. Just a spooky, dead thing. And even if it did move—somehow, where would it go?”
“No, no. That’s impossible. It’s not here. It’s somewhere else. Besides, where could it hide? I checked all the rooms upstairs. So where could it be?”
“Either way.”
“It could be flour. Or—alternatively, it could be cocaine.”
“Here. Here…they’re everywhere.”
“No one leaves that behind. So why would anyone…?”
“Because it was valuable? Because skeletons are so useful, sure. Maybe the Goblins did it. Can’t you eat bones? Or—someone else?”
“Damn it.”
“…It’s probably flour.”
“Huh. I guess it wore off. Or maybe they broke somehow? I wonder what they’re made of.”
“Question. How did Mr. Skeleton upstairs die?”
“Oh. Just a Goblin.”
“Ow. Owch. Ow.”
“That’s butter.”
“Silver? Or something glowy.”
“Maybe that’s a bad question.”
“Go to hell!”
“Maybe I can cut the rest off somehow.”
“That’s not right.”
“No, nonono—”
“Upstairs. Fine. Hello darkness my old enemy.”
“Not knives.”
“How long does it take for dust to get two inches deep?”
“Don’t do this to me! No—I just—”
“Am I afraid of dead people? Well yeah. But they can’t hurt me. Zombies can, but normal dead people can’t. It’s just a skeleton. I can take a look for signs of—of death, and then I’ll go sleep. Good plan. Let’s do it.”
“What the—”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Ow.”
“Ew, ew, ew.”
“Right. Well, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this.”
“Unless they ate horses.”
“Oh yeah. Water. Great. Well, I can just go out and get some. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything—”
“Eggs?”
“Well, here’s a cauldron.”
“Double double, boil and trouble…into the pot you go.”
“Who knew carrying stuff with one hand was so much of a pain? I mean, everything’s a pain.”
“Feels like it's worse than yesterday. Which is probably my imagination.”
“You. Get off.”
“That’s for all of you.”
“Huh. So that’s what flint and steel looks like. It actually does look like Minecraft!”
“Dammit.”
“This is how it starts, right? You leave the fireplace on while you go on a vacation for a few days, and the next thing you know, your inn’s burned down. A classic cautionary tale.”
“People used to do this every day? This is why plumbing was invented, you know. Who puts a stream so far from an inn? What happened to a good well?”
“No. No. You deserve at least a sandwich. Or eggs and sausage.”
“Hot!”
“But it’s a better day, right? A bit of a better day.”
“Skeleton? Goblins.”
“Another weird creature. Wonderful.”
“I really should have brought a bucket.”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Huh. ‘Closed?’ Is that English?”
“I’ll deal with you later. For now, I need dough.”
“Too bad I don’t have something refreshing to drink as well. A nice glass of juice would go down great. But y’know, it’s not like I…can…”
“Hi, can I help you?”
“[Basic Cooking], huh?”
“Dried grass…check. Broken chair…check. Fire?”
“Is that a…pterodactyl? No way.”
“Huh. So people speak English here. Good to know!”
“Forget bread. It’s pasta time.”
“Blue juice?”
“…Why’s it got four legs? I thought bugs had six.”
“Sticks. You hit sticks together. Or rocks.”
“Ow. Hot!”
“Camouflaged dinosaur birds. Now I’ve really seen everything.”
“Hold on. What’s this word?”
“Oh. Oh god. Why are there red lines—?”
“Nah. Blue fruit juice? That’s more like it.”
“What's that smell?”
“Ahh! Owowowowowow!”
“Right. Rummage time. I know I saw a shelf full of weird stuff somewhere…”
“Damn. It went out.”
“Gotta wash these sometime. But that means I’ll be walking around naked. Is that an issue? And what’s that smell?”
“This was an inn once. But someone abandoned it. And they left a lotta useful stuff behind.”
“It was alive. There was a baby inside.”
“Mm! Sweet! This stuff’s like syrup! Chunky syrup! Or…a smoothie.”
“This. This is disgusting.”
“Acid flies. Okay, that’s completely wrong.”
“Let’s see. Frying pan? No. Tongs? No. A saw? Why does a kitchen need a saw?”
“Fire! Call me Prometheus…Promethea.”
“Huh. I guess without many trees birds get lazy. But what a big nest. And what’s that inside—”
“…Well, finders keepers.”
“Right. Normal eggs actually hatch. Right. This isn’t a store, so of course they’d be living—but they must be new eggs. Not full of half-born chickens, right?”
“Hm. Chewy. Tasty! Pasta is the greatest food in the entire world.”
“I could bury it. If I had a shovel. And I could burn it. If I had a way to make fire. Or…I could leave it over there.”
“Is that…a horseshoe?”
“Okay. Pain. But now I can make bread! I’ve got all the ingredients. Right? Right. I just need flour, yeast, butter, a bit of salt and sugar and—”
“Okay. At least I know where all the normal birds go. Inside the dinosaur-birds.”
“Now, where can I get a piece of chalk and write ‘no Goblins allowed’?”
“Sorry, baby dino-birdlings. But I really need to eat. And you look nice and doughy right now.”
“Hm. Fork…fork! Am I missing anything?”
“At this rate, I'm going to start a collection.”
“That’s definitely a bug. And it’s really ugly. If I could take it to a scientist back home, I bet I’d be famous. Since I can’t—go away, would you?”
“No skeleton? No problem. I hope.”
“Great. My hand hurts, and now my arm hurts.”
“So...okay, let me think.”
“Well, after I got the eggs, there was a crab rock, I mean, a rock crab, and then I found blue fruits before that and…I met you two. A not-dragon and an insect. Who don’t want to eat me? Or is that after the meal?”
“From what? Me?”
“…Want another plate of pasta?”
“Right, right. Um, good to know.”
“Good. Thanks?”
“It did.”
“I did not believe a lesser one would be worth the risk. I shall make do with a replacement, and I will deduct the cost from my pay. Besides which, it was used to protect a civilian.”
“She was quite interesting in any case. It was pleasant talking to her.”
“Okay. That’s great.”
“Uh. No. It’s a bit further than that.”
“A big…big leathery thing. With wings.”
“…No. No I do not.”
“…Are you sure you’re not a Dragon?”
“So. Leveling. Classes.”
“This is a world. Everyone levels in it. Humans, lizard people, talking insects, cats, dogs, Goblins…”
“...Yeah, sorry.”
“It—sorry, it's a mess. I cut my hand, and I guess it just got infected, but—”
“No, no I'm not. And how can I—I can't thank you enough. That—that was a healing potion, right? How can I repay you for—”
“Yeah, I'd bet on it. I'm not sure why a Human would be out here anyways, let alone in that place.”
“Bastard.”
“That was my assessment.”
“I am sure it is.”
“What?”
“Oh no, thank you. I mean, this is probably worth—can I get you another plate? Or—or you could come back. I'll feed you two again if you want—”
“Um. Give me a moment. I’ll open this door.”
“Food’s over there.”
“Me? Hi, yes, me.”
“No, actually I got lost and—this is stupid. Why am I making excuses?”
“Is, uh, that a bad thing? I mean, it’s a Dragon yeah, but isn’t he…?”
“So am I going to die by puking out my guts or something?”
“Levels? Oh. No. I’ve got levels in, uh, [Innkeeper].”
“Oh no, no. We level, it’s just, uh, different from you guys. And I never paid much attention in school and all that…”
“Inquiring into others' personal affairs is only a matter for the Guards while we're on duty. Respecting another's personal space is a principle of social interaction.”
“You are correct in at least one definition of the word. But speculation is pointless in any case. We investigated the smoke, and now we can make our report. She is not breaking the law since the inn was abandoned nearly ten years ago.”
“Is that wrong?”
“Like what?”
“Thank you—ow!”
“…Just let me sleep.”
“Yeah. That sounds amazing. Really...really cool!”
“You sure? It doesn't feel like—”
“…Are you a Dragon?”
“Here. Uh, I’ve got juice as well. Want a glass?”
“See? She gets it. Told you it was cool.”
“There is a fish in the rivers near here. It secretes a mucus that damages the area it touches. Such as in this case. I have seen several similar afflictions as a guardsman.”
“Right. Well, let's be going. Um, sorry about that, Miss. Here, let me just pay for the food...”
“Even if she was, who'd hide there? You'd have to be mad, or be a [Warrior] or [Survivor] to want to live by yourself. Plus, the plague! Do I look sick? Am I oozing?”
“She was not lying, at least not intentionally. But it is possible she was mistaken.”
“Pass.”
“Mm. It's not very interesting. They are very fleshy.”
“…Hi.”
“Hey, what did you just call—”
“Yeah, it's awesome.”
“You have? I mean, it's not an infection?”
“I insist. That blue drink is really good, by the way.”
“It was almost certainly safe as I and Watch Captain Zevara assured you repeatedly, Relc. Besides, that young woman's presence is proof enough. She would be dead within the day if the disease were still present.”
“Yeah. A Dragon? Really?”
“Would you have had me tell her the true value?”
“Ew.”
“What? No. I’ve got lots of pasta.”
“Yeah. I made it myself. It tastes good, really.”
“Danger? Why danger? Is there something wrong with me staying here?”
“W-want something to eat?”
“Let me just get a plate and…forks. Do you, uh, want a drink? I’ve got water.”
“I’m from Michigan.”
“So they are Goblins. But—well, hold on—then I found a giant dino-bird—”
“Your duty? You’re…guardsmen? And you…you’re K—kbch?”
“Um. I didn’t see anything when it happened. I just sort of turned the corner and—look, the point is I suddenly appeared around here. And then…Dragon.”
“Dying?”
“Oh, I found some flour and butter and stuff in one of the cupboards. It had a runey…thing on the shelves.”
“Um. I gained levels just from cleaning an inn. And I wasn’t an [Innkeeper] before this. So why…?”
“Really? So that means—”
“What, this? It's nothing, it—”
“Please, do not be alarmed. This is treatable. Allow me.”
“Thanks.”
“What? Oh, it’s no problem. Ask away.”
“Look. It’s complicated, and I can’t really explain. But would you believe…magic? Like a crazy, crazy, uh, teleportation spell?”
“It breathed at me. Fire. And then I was chased by little green men.”
“Uh, yeah. Every time I fell asleep I kept leveling. I’m, uh, level 4.”
“Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Again, apologies. But could I trouble you to remove the bandage?”
“This is—I mean, is it safe? For Humans?”
“Well, we'll be off then. Good night to you.”
“What do you think? I bet she's some kind of runaway or a child that got separated from her clan. Do Humans have clans? Or is it all [Lords] and [Ladies]? Maybe she's not even from this continent.”
“Plus, we'd know if a Dragon lived around here. They're pretty obvious.”
“...Perhaps.”
“Deviant.”
“What, really? How about Goblins?”
“Uh, don't apologize. Look, maybe I overreacted a bit. I'm not, uh, mad...”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
“Are you alright?”
“That is what I heard some small Humans saying once. But she's female. And young, correct?”
“Her being a runaway would be most likely. I find it hard to believe any Human would wander so far into the grasslands by accident, and she did not seem to be looking for directions. Her magical teleportation story is also possible, but why would she not have asked to be taken to the Mage's Guild? It is clearly a cover story.”
“So...scared Human female? Not a threat? Probably a traveller? Makes good pasta?”
“How are you going to explain that to the Captain, huh? That's supposed to be special-issue. We won't even get another shipment of that quality for months, probably! All the way from Pallass once the Blood Fields are frozen.”
“Shut up.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Okay. Right. Um. Let’s pretend I have no idea what leveling or classes are. I’m, uh, from really far away, and we have different…traditions.”
“N-name?”
“It—it doesn’t hurt!”
“I will accept gladly. But for now I am full, and I believe it is time to be going. We would not wish to intrude upon your hospitality for too long.”
“Do you believe she is a lawbreaker or fearful for her life?”
“What about the Dragon? Do you think she made that up?”
“Agreed. And it is very restful. You should attempt it sometime.”
“Me? I don't like Humans. They're scaleless, hairy, and they smell funny. I mean, this one's nice, but I definitely wouldn't want to see what it looks like under those clothes.”
“Um, no. No.”
“Bet she didn't know. And her expression when we walked in—she's never seen a Drake or an Ant before in her life. Well, the Ant part makes sense.”
“It seems more likely that she was hallucinating. However...she may have run into a fire-breathing salamander. I cannot imagine she would survive an encounter with a real Dragon. Armies would not.”
“No, no. It's for the best. Mind you, I think she figured it out.”
“—It's not that I'm not interested. I have an open mind! I wouldn't mind looking. If I was offered. They've got nothing on good scales, but I could get over the fleshiness. Maybe.”
“Yes. No. Maybe? Look, I level. You level. We level. Everyone levels, right? We all can level up in, uh, classes and gain skills. How am I doing so far?”
“Oh no, no. Please don’t do that. I didn’t know it was so rude. If I’d have known, I’d have never—there’s a big difference between lizard people and Drakes, right?”
“Right, right. Let's tell the Captain and get some sleep. Or rather, I'll sleep and you do—whatever Ants do to sleep. Sitting-sleeping or whatever.”
“Sure, suuuure you were.”
“Healing potions are awesome.”
“Stupid thing.”
“I think I need to figure out what a good one looks like.”
“They must be busy.”
“Um. We’re closed. S-sorry.”
“What—what was that?”
“I could eat mushrooms! Or…maybe not mushrooms because ick. Or bugs? Wait—that’s just as bad. Plants, then. Herbs. And blue fruits. Okay—this fruit and this fruit and this fruit.”
“Seriously. They were so normal. But apparently I’m normal too. There are other Humans around here at least. But leveling? Classes? Am I an [Innkeeper]? Do I innkeep? How does that work?”
“…Poison. Gotta be.”
“Aha! So that’s all it is?”
“[Basic Crafting]. Might as well give it a shot. I’m out of fruit, anyways.”
“Okay. How about…”
“And all because of that little Goblin. Huh.”
“No.”
“I don’t have any. Go away!”
“I leveled up again.”
“You look innocent. But maybe…”
“Maybe the poison is making the fruit like—wetter? Or it’s making the fruit weaker?”
“I’m warning you! Come in and I’ll, I’ll…”
“…Looks like I’ve got a few weeks before I run out. But bleh, eating just blue fruit all the time would be disgusting. At least there’s some ingredients left for pasta if I can find more eggs.”
“Must taste bad, huh?”
“Aw. No. Oh no. Am I…dumber than Goblins?”
“Wait a second. Maybe that could work. Let’s see. If I take this long grass and tie this knot here…”
“Do I just eat what’s in the cupboard and fight dino-birds? If I can’t eat the blue fruits…”
“And I’d have a team of doctors feeding me pills by the pound too.”
“Hey. Who’s there?”
“Whoa.”
“Huh. Can Goblins smell poison? Wait…wait. That Relc guy said they have Skills. Do you get Skills to tell if there’s bad fruits? [Bad Fruit Detector]? No way.”
“They said they’d visit. But did they mean that or are they busy? Either way, I can always make more pasta and save some for later, right?”
“This. This is a pan.”
“I know what plebian means.”
“So. You’re paying me for trying to scare me and steal food?”
“Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I’m sure mages are really scary when they’re far away, but wands aren’t good at blocking frying…pots.”
“Uh huh. And you provide that by threatening people with illusions?”
“I’m not. But I’ll just bet those kinds of spells make a flash of light or a weird sound, right?”
“Me?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Here.”
“If I say it’s a pan, it’s a pan. The important part is that I’ll hit you with it if you try anything.”
“What are you talking about? I’m giving you food. Are you allergic to the color blue or something?”
“Look, it’s safe. I’ve eaten tons of them. Just eat around the core and you’ll be fine, okay? I figured out how to check for good ones. See?”
“Are you trying to sound impressive or do you actually talk like that?”
“I am completely, 100% Human, thanks. And why does that make a difference?”
“Yeah. It’s food.”
“…Want one?”
“Floodplains? What are you talking about?”
“Fascinating as in ‘I know what spell that was?’”
“One more insult or stupid little invisibility spell and I’ll break something.”
“You’re sweating.”
“Where are you going?”
“And anyways, I didn’t see any idiot in robes waving a wand around and shouting ‘abracadabra’. And there aren’t wizards where I—I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t a…I just turned the corner and here I was.”
“It’s not mine. I just found it and somehow became an [Innkeeper] by cleaning up around here.”
“Like pretending to be a horrible monster?”
“…Huh.”
“Hey, stop that!”
“Poisonous?”
“Oh come on.”
“Stop it. You sound like an idiot.”
“What else could it be? I’ve played D&D.”
“Some people don’t like being threatened by a giant skeletal monster from hell.”
“You know, I just wanted to see what would happen if I kept on staring at you.”
“Come back here and I’ll feed you.”
“Here. Totally non-poisonous food ready to be eaten. Happy?”
“How’d you guess? Actually, you’re only half-right, but how’d you guess?”
“Yeah. It’s been fun and games ever since.”
“Thanks, I guess. But if it’s so lousy—and it is, I totally know—why are you here?”
“I suppose one does. Does it make you feel good, stealing from innocent people?”
“Me? Oh, I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And you are?”
“So. You’re gonna hurt me if I don’t give you food, huh?”
“Here. Blue juice and some blue fruit. I’ve also got pasta, but I need to warm that up first.”
“Um. I am now? I mean, I figured that out earlier. These ones are good. I’ve checked them.”
“I got lost.”
“Try that again and I’ll hit you harder.”
“Some people would take violent offense to being scammed.”
“It would certainly save time. And you know if you paid for everything, you wouldn’t have to try to scare people to get what you want.”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Well, eat this.”
“Take them. You look thin, and maybe if you eat them you’ll stop bothering other people. Thank you for your business. Come by again and I’ll feed you. Try to scare me and I’ll hit you harder next time.”
“They grow that big? No; don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But you’re right. It was a teleportation spell. Or something. It didn’t feel like a spell, but…”
“Yes, you. I told you why I’m here. What’s a raggedy mage doing scaring people for food?”
“Maybe not. But then again, the only two I’ve met were quite polite, paid for their meal, and didn’t try to threaten me when I first met them. Whereas the first Human I met was you.”
“Good for you. Got a hobby?”
“He’s not my friend.”
“That’s—”
“Yeah, let’s calm down before someone gets hurt. Like me.”
“And necromancy.”
“Really? I thought—he didn’t seem dangerous. I mean, I hit him with a pot, and that knocked him out.”
“No, not that. It’s just—the city.”
“Um, where is it? Is it that teensy little wall of stone in the distance?”
“I know that! I just don’t know what I’m seeing! Should I? It’s not like there’s a sign or anything around here. And I can’t see it at all times.”
“…Is it that grey stuff there?”
“No, it’s really not. It could be a rock. A square rock.”
“No, I can’t.”
“What? You told me yesterday. Oh, and were you the one who stole the skeleton upstairs? I just realized that was probably you.”
“He’s not invisible? He did that once.”
“Why?”
“So. Does…that mean you’ll be back soon?”
“Oh. Okay. But, uh, does that mean—how long does it take to get back?”
“Sorry—sorry. It’s just the pincers. And the eyes. It’s just—sorry.”
“No—no problem.”
“…What tab?”
“What do you want?”
“Fewer words. Get to the point.”
“Who?”
“Here?”
“It’s early. Yes, I guess I am open. Come in.”
“That’s a lot of rain.”
“Where did you find—stay out of my kitchen.”
“Does it rain like this a lot?”
“Interfering with the weather? How? And what do you mean—magical rain? Like what?”
“Raining toads? Doesn’t that only happen when a tornado picks them up?”
“Wow, that’s far, right? Wouldn’t you have to be a pretty powerful sorcerer to do that?”
“The name is Erin, idiot.”
“Okay. So you’re saying [Mage] means anyone who uses magic. Next time, just say that.”
“Good. For you. So what, a—mage did this?”
“So…?”
“Can you?”
“Like dead bodies.”
“What? Oh. Yeah.”
“What? Oh no, that’s just Pisces. He’s annoying, so ignore him.”
“Hey, you two! Klb—Klbk? It’s been a while. I guess. But come in. Or come in more. Have a seat. Want something to eat?”
“You want pasta? It’s in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”
“Um. Uh…”
“Relc! Right, right.”
“Um, sorry.”
“Sorry. It’s just—uh, you know. I’ve got a bad memory.”
“…No. Sorry. It’s just been a busy two days.”
“Relc! I’ve got the name, now. And I’ve got more pasta. Well, it’s old pasta, but it still tastes good! And more blue juice. And blue fruit! It’s, uh, not poisonous if you only eat the outer bit.”
“Actually, I did. Right after you two left.”
“[Basic Crafting]. It helped me make a basket out of grass.”
“I guess. I haven’t ever tried that, and besides, I don’t have a hammer. Actually, I’ve never swung a hammer in my life.”
“Really? That’s really generous. Thank you.”
“Do you guys want pasta or blue fruit?”
“Yeah. Hey—shut up!”
“I don’t want it anyways. Besides, you tried to rob me last time. You’re here on sufferance because I feel bad for you.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“Don’t—don’t do that!”
“Yeah. Last night, I was visited by a scary monster. But when I hit it with a pa—pot, it turned out just to be him. So I got him to pay up for scaring me. That covers all the food he ate, I guess.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky I didn’t just toss you in the stream and let the fish eat you!”
“Well, it’s not like he’s dangerous. Just annoying.”
“Like who?”
“Uh, no. No, sorry.”
“Hold on, hold on. We don’t need to beat up Pisces. Like I said, he only tried to rob me. And I already hit him with a pot. What’s this about beating him up?”
“Or—or you could not. Isn’t that what nice guardsmen do? You could just arrest him and skip the punching, right?”
“Well—he’s a jerk. But I mean, you’re a guardsman. Insults like that are ten a penny.”
“Oh. Oh. I forgot. And besides, you weren’t here yesterday.”
“Y-yeah.”
“I’m sure. I’m sure. And I’m not scared. Just—surprised.”
“Um. Isn’t that wrong?”
“Aren’t there rules? Like, rules against police—guardsmen hurting people once they’re caught? Like…like no beating someone once they’re on the ground?”
“But one you sign up for, right? I mean, sure, it’s a great job, but—it’s just a job, right?”
“Really? I thought you just…signed up.”
“Really?”
“Nice. So that’s your official badge?”
“You sure about that? Really sure, I mean?”
“You can do that? Like—sensing each other’s power levels? Really? How?”
“No!”
“Are you stupid? I don’t want anyone killing anyone! You can’t do it! I forbid it! It’s wrong! It’s illegal.”
“Yes, you can. You have no cause whatsoever to arrest Pisces.”
“I don’t care! No killing, do you hear me?”
“I withdraw my testimony.”
“Prove it.”
“Absolutely.”
“Out.”
“I withdraw it. All of it. I was never attacked yesterday. This mage-guy never visited the inn, and I never saw him until today. So there’s no reason for you to arrest him.”
“Prove. It. Can you? Is there a way to check his, uh, class?”
“You do that—and I’ll tell all the people who vouched for you that Senior Guardsman Relc arrested someone after a fight he started. You have no proof, no testimony, and I’m pretty sure if you arrest him, that’s illegal. There are laws, and you have to follow them. If this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you could get a permanent citation on your record.”
“Oh no. Absolutely not. You’re all wrong, Klbkch.”
“Out.”
“Then go. Now.”
“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, this is outside your jurisdiction! You said it yourself—you don’t patrol my inn! Therefore, it is my inn, and I deny your city’s authority here!”
“Males.”
“Men.”
“What?”
“Gutting? Hey, that’s—”
“Males. They eat and eat and eat. And then I have to clean up the dishes. Typical.”
“If I had a knife in my hand, I’d stab you.”
“Innocent? You? You’re nothing more than a thug with a magic wand. Remember how we met? You tried to scare me into giving you food. And now you want protection because you’re getting your just desserts? No. No, when I see Relc again, you’d better be long gone from here. And if you don’t leave now, I’ll kick you out myself.”
“Move and I will stab you.”
“Relc never said—”
“I—”
“Are you—what’s—I’m good. Good.”
“No, he’s an idiot. But he didn’t do anything wrong enough to die for. All he did was try to scare me.”
“Pantry? Pantry is empty. Food? Food is gone. And money—”
“You want something. What? To stay here? No. Nope. No way in hell.”
“What? No! No killing! Do you hear me?”
“Hey!”
“Money is shiny. But, uh, inedible. And it’s good to have money, but starvation is an issue.”
“No. Out.”
“Well—well too bad.”
“No fighting. Not here. And no killing!”
“You punched his brains out! That’s not enough to kill him over!”
“Aren’t there some more blue fruits around here? Here? No…here? Yep. Nice and wrinkled. Lovely.”
“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear you come in through the door.”
“And you’re telling me all this…why?”
“So, what? If I don’t decide to help you, will you hurt me? Bash my brains in? Or will you just rip my clothes off and try to rape me?”
“Even if you’re in danger, I’m in danger if I hide you. I’m not doing that. Run away. Just run away now.”
“Stop moving! Hey!”
“And I’m out of ingredients.”
“No.”
“I don’t care! You don’t kill people just because they practice stupid magic! And you don’t kill people just because you don’t like them! And you don’t kill people because killing people is wrong!”
“So I’m in trouble.”
“Good job, I guess. But they’re still going to find you. You’re a criminal, and you’ve got nowhere to hide.”
“Right, for how long? Days? Weeks? Months? And I get to feed you, make sure no one finds you, and clean up after you? Again: no. I’m barely getting enough food for myself as it is.”
“Good.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason, Pisces.”
“No. Go.”
“Rubbery.”
“Even instant ramen would be nice. Is that too much to ask?”
“It’s far. But I have to go. Maybe? Yes…no. No? Yes. I need food. And I need to feed my guests. It’s my duty as an innkeeper.”
“I’m in trouble. Yup, yup. It’s amazing these things lose so much taste after only a few days.”
“Plus, I need to feed my guests.”
“Am I an innkeeper? Is that what this world is doing to me?”
“Guess I’ve gotta go to the stream. Who knew washing your hands was so much work?”
“They lied to me.”
“And a sword. I need a sword. And a shield? And armor? And, uh, anti-Goblin spray? Oh, and books! Tons of books. Maps, history books…can I read any of that? Well, Relc and Klbkch speak English. So that’s weird too. And I need bandages, a sewing needle, someone to teach me how to sew…”
“Right. A lamp! And a sword.”
“Shoo!”
“Um. Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“I’ll just be going. Now.”
“Oh, no! I’m, um—sorry I didn’t help? Sorry you fell?”
“The…”
“I’m sorry!”
“Excuse me—um—what’s this building? I can’t read…”
“Uh—I—just looking, thanks!”
“What do I do if I get super-lost? Remember that street name. Squiggly line…got it. And if I can’t remember it or find my way back? Amsterdam, chess tournament. Start crying and ask where mom is…No, wait, I’m older now. Uh—uh—”
“Oh, I’m really sorry. What was that you were saying?”
“I’m Erin. Erin Solstice. And no, I’m not, uh, innkeeping here. I live outside the city. In an inn a ways away. I guess. I just came here, because I needed to go shopping. Badly.”
“Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much. About how I got here—I don’t know if it was an accident or me—maybe teleportation! But um. Right now I’m just trying to get by. So the market is two streets down and left and right…?”
“Who’d want to eat blue fruits all day? Raise your hand if that sounds like fun.”
“Unless I go to the city.”
“I’ll grow a huge beer belly and start hauling around kegs of ale. That’s what innkeepers do, right?”
“Well, that settles that. I’m off to the city.”
“Thirty minutes. No; probably an hour. Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“And I need to rob a bank.”
“…Just the lamp.”
“Great. They’re like cockroaches. Evil, giant, green cockroaches. With teeth. And sharp knives. And red eyes.”
“…Right. It’s just that I’m new here. And I’m Human. Nice to meet you. My name is Erin. I, uh, know another guy who works with you. Relc? And Klb…Klb…the insect guy? So yeah. They know me. I’m no threat. And, uh, I saw some Goblins running around a while back. They’re not here right now, but I felt you should know.”
“And I want food. Real food. Not fruit. I want bread! I want pasta! I want pizza and soda and salad and ice cream—actually, forget the ice cream. I need meat. Or fish that doesn’t bite back! I want sushi, cheeseburgers and fries, toast, waffles…cereal…”
“There.”
“They never mentioned innkeepers in the legend of King Arthur. Or did they?”
“But why does it have to be so far away from anything?”
“So, what do I need?”
“What’s essential?”
“Flat grass, flat grass, all I see is flat grass.”
“That’s a big wall.”
“Yes? No?”
“To go to the city or not, that is the question. Actually, there’s no question. I need to go to the city. I need to go…shopping.”
“Wow. That’s a big hill.”
“Um. Clothing. Right. And soap. And a toothbrush, if they have toothbrushes. And toothpaste…which they probably don’t have. But something. And I need food obviously, more soap, towels, laundry deter—more soap, and a comb.”
“Clothing. Food. Toothbrush. Toothpaste. And a lamp.”
“Horses eat grass, but I’ll pass, so I’ll go to the city fast. Or I’ll die of starvation! And once I’m there, I’ll eat ten pears and—hey, is that a Goblin?”
“…Hi.”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, have a nice day!”
“S-sorry. I just didn’t see—”
“Okay. Okay. I was lost before. I can do this.”
“Oops, sorry. Uh, where am I?”
“N—I mean, I’ve never been in one before.”
“No! I mean, I’m just looking around. Nice to meet…I’m just looking for a—a store!”
“That must be city hall or something. And the place with the wand—was that a magic shop…do they teach magic there? Do they sell wands? Wow. Wow. And I just need to find…a regular people shop.”
“Uh, is this a store?”
“Real mages. That is so cool.”
“Oh no. I’m, uh, an innkeeper. I guess. Or maybe a wanderer? Actually, I’m just new around here.”
“Um. A teleportation spell got me here? And I need food. Flour, oil, butter, salt…that kind of thing. And I need clothing. Lots of clothing. And toothpaste!”
“Huh?”
“Is—is there something else you want?”
“Right. Well. I’m sorry about that.”
“Registering? Quest? Oh no, I’m not here for…uh, anything. I just thought this might be a store, so I…”
“The Adventurer’s Guild?”
“Wow.”
“I’m also looking for a place to get some other supplies. I don’t suppose you know where—”
“N-no?”
“Right. Sorry. Sorry about that.”
“Um. Hi. Are you—are you a wolf-person?”
“Right. I’m very sorry about that. Um. Can I help you?”
“Oh. Yeah. Um, I’m really sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been sort of fending for myself, and I didn’t have a change of clothes so—”
“R-really? I can’t smell anything.”
“Kicked out of three shops. And two homes. And then the Adventurer’s Guild.”
“Oh, I’m looking for food. Lots of it.”
“I’m looking for some flour, salt, butter, oil, and sugar. Oh! And yeast. I’ll need yeast too. If you have it.”
“Ah. Ow.”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“Well, there are signs. I just can't read them.”
“I’m—I’ll just look around if that’s okay.”
“Uh. I can’t read that. Sorry.”
“No, no! I was just saying that—”
“Okay. I’ll buy it all.”
“But that’s what you think.”
“I didn’t have enough money.”
“I can’t read the language here.”
“Magic. Either that or they’re all bilingual. Or trilingual. Or something.”
“But I’d like some. Butter, that is.”
“Um. Those sausages. How much do they cost?”
“Fine.”
“Thanks for helping. With the Goblins.”
“Finally.”
“No, I’ll just wander around and—look. Thank you.”
“Sorry. Sorry.”
“Oh. Great.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“Sorry.”
“I need to buy fresher pillows. And blankets. Or laundry detergent. When I have the money for it.”
“And, uh, I’d like some oil too. Do you have another jar…?”
“Well, if I’ve got enough, I’d like to buy a few of those. And some onions.”
“Look, I was just asking about the price.”
“…Can I buy a bag?”
“So.”
“A couple gold coins. Some silver ones.”
“I can take the bag now.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“Hi. Is this a food shop?”
“Oh, okay.”
“Everything would be so much simpler if she could read. Was that too much to ask?”
“It’s fine.”
“Oh, um. I'm just looking.”
“Um. I’m looking for a few things, actually. Uh, do you have any butter?”
“Okay.”
“Are—are you sure that’s the price? I mean, it sounds like a lot—”
“But can we negotiate? I mean, how about two gold coins? What’s the price of the flour? If I pay you—”
“Ow. Ow!”
“Especially not if they’re Human.”
“I just thought it was the right price, I guess. I didn’t want to argue.”
“I’m sure.”
“Who the hell—oh. It’s you.”
“——!”
“I truly hate this world.”
“I don’t want to kill you.”
“If only it were dying.”
“I didn’t kill them.”
“I can’t do it.”
“I didn’t kill them, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Checkmate.”
“——————!”
“Checkmate.”
“Oh Father who art in Heaven…”
“——? ——. ————!”
“I’ll think. I’ll think for once about it.”
“It’s all just a game.”
“——————? ——?”
“Checkmate.”
“Knight to D4. Pawn to E3.”
“I don’t want to hurt—”
“————!”